cycling: it's all gotta go

its incredible how much things change in one year. a year ago, i was best friends with kate, i could see elie whenever i wanted to, because he was either at terrells or in norman during the summertime... i was preparing to go to jordan for the summer... my sister lived here, and worked downtown... downtown = BUFFALO HUNTING was more difficult, and very VERY exciting.

i just got a call from elie. i'd really like to go back to talking to him more often. from the imigrations note i left him until the day he left to back... to the other side... he was always one of the easiest people to talk to... most of our conversations were about absoluetely nothing, and lasted like... 8 hours. i'm not sure how that happened. it was like living seinfeld. i also think it had to do with an inflatable pig suit. (i was laughing hard enough that that last line took me a really long time to type)

so elie is a working man in his little routine... and this leads me into my mini-discussion. i think i'm ready for the cycling. obviously there are staples that i will not allow to change, like mizi and elaine etc... (duh)... but i'm ready for the change. the absolutely different routine. different people. different activities. different hair. different clothes. different music. everything. its that time of the year everyone. new me time. don't worry, i'll still be the cool-ist girl around. ;)

a wedding and fruit hats

i had my first wedding dream... i don't ever really remember dreaming about getting married before. but i did today. no idea who the guy was... and at first i was walking around looking for everyone and my sister told me they must be getting married and i asked who was, and she said i was... and i said i knew i was getting married, but wouldn't i have to be PRESENT to get married and i kept yelling that i was a vital part of the ceremony. then at the end of the dream. i'm standing there with blank-man and i'm watching my mom and dad and some other people walk off across this wooden porchlike walkway holding hands... and each couple is wearing like... matching vegetable or fruit hats... my mom and dad were wearing banana hats. i just remember thinking how cute it was and sighing that now i had someone to hold hands with and wear a matching fruit/vege hat. but before everyone left... i was hugging them and just crying like there was no tomorrow. it felt uberreal. i distinctly remember hugging my parents, mizi, trish, then elaine, and (a little sister??). and it was happy tears but they were so strong... like... i didn't wanna let go tears... elaine's graduations weeping tears... but like i said... not sad.

my mom and i were talking about weddings the other day. by the time she was my age, she had elaine. she was so young. i'm not ready for that, but i'd always wanted to get married early and have kids early. my mother wont stop pestering me... like i can make the man of my dreams suddenly appear... even my DAD wants me to have a boyfriend. mr. terrifying himself. and today i turn 20. 2 decades. shi-it.

i believe in fairies

i know that i've brought up my oh-so-famous bumper sticker probably a thousand times... but i have an example now... believe right? the believe-mobile's bumper sticker doesn't say anything but believe... yada yada yada not necessarily religious... yada yada ho... so... anyways... an extremely close family friend is in the hospital... has been for 5 weeks now. for five weeks he's been in terri shaivo condition... eyes open... no recognition... life support etc. and everyone stopped believing. everyone gave up and they were preparing themselves for the worst. now, this is not necessarily a bad thing to do... you don't want to be unprepared in any situation... BUT you can't stop believing. anyhow, everyone did. except my dad. my dad and i had a talk two night ago about the importance of hope. of believing. and how once you stop believing, of course nothing can change. it really does make an impact. well, he didn't stop. he believed in every way he knew how. and just as everyone else was ready to say their farewells... he woke up. life support became a backup. he recognized people. everyone--doctors, nurses, family, friends-- everyone knew it was a miracle. this doesn't mean everything is okay. of course, everything can change in a second, but the improvement thus far is really incredible.

i knew the miracle-- should you choose to call it that-- the occurance was because my dad believed when no one else did. he's(my dad is) smiling again.

so, the moral of the story: be prepared for every situation, but don't stop believing.

believing saved tinkerbell... it made benny hinn rich...and most importantly, it made my dad smile again.

my head hurts

what do you do when you realize you're psychotic... but you refuse to go to a psychologist because your mother is one and the "soothing" voice and questions just trigger the frustration and psychosis...
i wouldn't want to put anyone through living with me. what if i'm crazy at my children or husband... who the hell knows what i'll do... i don't want to be that mother or wife... I DON'T WANT TO BE THAT PERSON... not even now... what do i do???
its funny... it's like i'm on the outside... i know exactly whats going on, and what should be happening... but i can't do anything about it. its actually kind of scary... i'm crazy. insane. and completely serious.

source of a scream

how do you know real and faux? how do you know the glimmer of sincerity in someone's eyes from the shine of deceivement? how do you know love from fake displays?

i always used to think i could read people fairly well... and i've realized... no... i can't read anything really... i'm fairly capable of being severely fake... if i can do it do those around me... who's doing it to me? no... i don't really trust people... and thats turning into a severe extreme of non-trust. not really mistrust... just non-existant trust. i don't trust people to share the truth with me or to understand me. and if i can't trust people to do that... how real are these people to me? how fake are these people being to me... i just don't know anything anymore it seems.

the more i learn, the more i realize i don't know anything at all...

when you hear screaming in the distance... sometimes you have to look inside yourself to find the source..

reincarnation

so, i've moved home. and i'm happy to be here. sure, i'll have an hour and a half of driving time every day almost... but i'm happy to be here. i feel like i'm just getting rid of the last year of school (mostly; the bad parts) i'm moving on. and i'm just sorta... molting... i'm shedding my old skin and changing. although my mother and i had a fight about dieting... i am glad that i finally told her about kate... i finally told her everything. the smoking in the apartment that i hated... the grossness... everything, and i told her why i didn't tell her... about how i didn't want to have to deal with an issue at the end of the semester, and i just wanted the time to be over so i could move out. i'm glad we talked. elaine and i talk about more now, and i like that a lot... i want to be able to talk to my mother about things to a greater degree... i'm really glad trish is here though. it's my first summer here without my sis, and i don't know if i could take the quiet alone. i'm lucky to have her and mizi around.

i've decided to teach myself random subjects until school starts. i gotta do something... might as well learn.

i gotta leave tomorrow by 8... so i gotta get to bed.

it's the end of the world as we know it. and i feel fine.

numbness

i've apparently been numb for a while... but... i'm feeling fairly abandoned at the moment.

flashback to september 17

and God said..."Let there be exams"... and there were. and they were difficult. Then God said..."Let there be Carbon and thus Organic Chemistry"... and thus was brought about an entirely new meaning to creation and the definition of difficult.

i have an organic test tomorrow. *nervous laughter*

funny... the first time that was posted was at the beginning of fall semester 04, and this one is at the end of spring semester 05 ... and the feeling hasn't changed... at all.

damn the man.

and don't forget about good ole walt disney: "the man, the production company, and the amusement park!" --courtesy of miziana's brilliant creativity.

biting a bullet

amidst all the stress in my life right now, a few things always decide to stray to add to the insanity.

but i was thinking today. many people say, mess with my friends, you mess with me... to me, its an extreme case. there are a few people that are the most important thing in my life. they are how i get through all the stress i go through. they push my life forward and challenge me. these are people i truly love.

so, me, being the girl that thinks more than is possibly healthy... its sorta like a workout really... i was thinking and... i wondered... who would you take a bullet for? its a question that is asked, and an important one to think about. who would i take a bullet for?

without hesitation, my sister, mizi, those that are the friends mentioned above, the people that really ARE my life. without hesitation, i would give my life to them. on a more metaphoric level, if someone disrespects or attacks these people with mental or verbal bullets, i am just as ready to be "the posse". my theory is not mess with my friends mess with me... but rather, mess with any person of those i love, and you've messed with the wrong person entirely. i'll getcha and you wont even know it. i'll getcha mentally, and through such a roundabout way that you'll never know what hit you or why it happened. i'm like the boegyman. hiding under your bed and you don't even know it. and as soon as you fall asleep...

on a lighter note: those of you i love. i love you. iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou. i can't live without you. i've so got your back.

up and down

we all have our ups, we all have our downs.

our true friends are the ones who look down to see if we're there, and then use all that they have to lift us back up.

how do you know a true friend?
you see it in their smile.
you feel it in their hold.
you hear it in their voice.
you know it in their heart.

call me a true friend... i'd love the workout.

week's song: bright eyes - it's cool, we can still be friends

look! no socks!

My feet were warm the other day. WARM. like... not cold. for those of you who know me. this DOESN'T HAPPEN. i can have 3 layers of socks on and still be cold. but the other day... warm. no shoes, no socks, no cover. warm. for once, i think i was completely comfortable. comfortable to that point where you're laying there and you feel nothing, you just know you don't want to move because you don't know when you're going to feel that same comfort again.

The amount of stress i'm going through right now is making it really difficult to find time to sleep, really difficult to get to sleep if i find the time, and practically impossible to ever get comfortable.

but then again, there will always be comfort zones. and when you find one, take it in and let the blood run to your feet and hands for once.

just one of those little realizations i finally noticed.

my toes and fingers are cold now. i don't know if that is because my brain is sucking away all the blood or if once again, i'm just not completely comfortable.