cornered

i dreamt last night... i feel like i don't dream as often anymore, at least i don't remember them... so i told kate about my dream last night, at least one of them. which really didn't seem to make any sense last night, but she acted like i was a moron when i told it to her because according to kate...it was perfectly clear what the dream meant.

in one part i was kneeling in front of a door, and i leaned back and i felt a dog, then i just felt its teeth... and it started attacking me, but i could fight it off very well... you know like when you just feel weak... so i'm being attacked by a cute dog and then i jumped onto a waterbed where he couldn't reach me, but the water bed turned into an ocean as soon as i was on it, and there was a whirlpool like hole in it... so anywhere i turned i was trying to get away... then i started wandering around saying over and over "la haowl wa la q'awa billa allah" (there is no change and no strength but through God.)

so i suppose it means i'm feeling cornered by certain issues bothering me... and they're tearing me up. and everywhere i turn there are just other problems to run away from, so i really just need to get out and ask for help... obviously i'm looking for it if i'm saying that phrase over and over... but maybe i'm not looking for help from people, maybe just from myself and from God...so yeah yeah, telling people, sure, will get it off my chest... but what happens when you know if you tell someone they will try to help you, and you don't want help. you know what is wrong, you don't have to figure it out... you just don't want to change it...what do you do then?

i don't really want your opinion. just something to think about.

a most disturbing event

the following are actual dialog from a conversation i had with a real person last night. i wasn't actually sure these people exist, but they do.

bold = ignorant guy
regular = me
italics = other person

1) "does the koran not actually say for them to come over and kill americans?"
"no... it doesn't"
"well then, you're wrong and you don't know. have you ever read the koran?"
"yeah actually, i have, and i know that it's against killing"
"no, you don't know."

2)"allah and that other short fat dude... yeah buddah... they worship them and they're all the same"
"BUDDAH! are you serious??? thats a completely different religion...that isn't even IN iraq"
"whatever! they're all the same. how many people died in the twin towers?"
"about 2500" (he scrawls this number down)
"and how many muslims are there in the world"
"over a billion! its the biggest religion in the world."
"and they're all al-quaeda"
"NO! al-quaeda is a small extremist faction"
"but most of them are al-quaeda"
"no! are you kidding?! thats a tiny tiny faction!"
"well they're the government in iraq."
"THERE WAS NO CONNECTION BETWEEN SADAM HOUSSEIN AND OSAMA BIN LADEN!"
"they're all the same."

3) "what do you know anyways??? you're wrong and you need to study this. i know. i just got out of the penitentiary. TODAY. there were muslims there. i know them all."
"what do i know about it? i'm majoring in arabic and middle eastern studdies. you just got out of the penitentiary? i just got out of a muslim country for 2 months. what the hell are you talking about??"
"you don't know anything, hunny."

4) "for every american that dies, at least 3 arabs should die."
"you do realize that the people that the war is with right now aren't the people that flew a plane into the towers"
"they're all the same... they're all towelheads."
"oh now thats just offensive. i'm arab, what makes your life worth more than mine??"
"it's not, but someone's gotta pay."
"although i don't agree with any innocent lives being lost, don't you think the right people should pay"
"they're all the same!"
"you are so racist! wow."
"no i'm not, how can i be, i'm mexican."

5)"we can have this discussion right now because bush is fighting terrorists right now"
"no, we can have this discussion because in 1785 the amendments to the constitution included a freedom of speech right."

6)"if we were there right now, you wouldn't be able to talk to me this way, because i'm a man, and over there they beat women for talking like this."
"WHAT? i'm arab, i'm from there... they don't beat women for fun. domestic violence exists everywhere and is just as prevalent in america."
"you just don't know."
"i wrote a 10-page paper about this 5 days ago."
"you need to do research, because you're wrong."

7)"america made two mistakes, one was when ***gers were brought over here and the second was when they were freed *crazy laughter*"
(everyone's jaw drops) "are you fucking serious? did you just say that? i... i... oh my god. how did you survive jail?"
"***gers know not to mess with white people."
(everyone's jaw has now hit the floor)

8) "Kerry is a pussy. you don't mess with america, or you get your ass kicked."
"why is america better?"
"HAHAHA are you serious? because we're america."
"thats the same mentality that will make america fall"
(gasps around the room)
"america can't fall because we'll kick anyone's ass that messes with us."

9) "i can't argue with you, because you are being offensive and generalizing and you don't have any facts, and you are jsut completely ignorant."
"me? you're the ignorant one, hunny, learn your facts, then argue with me. YOU'RE JUST WRONG! I KNOW I JUST CAME FROM THE PENITENTIARY!"

10) "are you registered to vote?"
"no"
"are you even allowed to vote?
"no"
"thank God. because i have never met a more ignorant person in my life."

11) "so what do you do?"
"i'm gonna be a lawyer"
"i'm a chemist"
"oh did you graduate???"
"no, heh heh heh."
"i'm sure you cook up a hell of a lot"
"make a lot of money too."
"wow."

12) "i have ladels."

1-11 are from the most ignorant man i've ever come into contact with, 12 is from crosley who didn't really know what to do with confrontation, and wasn't trying to be funny, however, after me and kate started laughing, he ran away quickly.

so how is this refreshing? well, the entire room besides this one guy was against him and was against the war and against bush. everyone saw the ignorance in him. everyone at ihop loves me now. but it was refreshing to see both republicans and democrats both seeing the ridiculousness of this war and being against bush and the ignorance in the government and in this guy.

this guy embodied everything the world hates about america. i loathe ignorance.

all in all, i'll just say, i didn't study much of the arabic in front of me... and i went home at 5 am.

S.O.S.

i have always encouraged people to vote, no matter what their party affiliation may be; however, i have at the same time said that this vote should be informed.

right now, i'm almost desperate, and maybe that is because i live in conservative oklahoma.

things to consider before voting:

1) What moral issues are you most concerned about? now, think about whether this issue is even controlled by the central government or the state.

2) On these moral issues, think, are these beliefs that are religious-based? living in america, the right to religion and freedom to express these beliefs is what is beautiful about our country. but think. according to the constitution and the idea of separation of church and state, are the views of your candidate oppressing any individual's american's rights?

3) Are you hopeful for the future, or are you afraid?

4) You personally are being represented to 6 Billion people around the world. How would you act toward them? What qualities are important to show and who would you want to personally represent you?

and most importantly...
5) Are you and your country and the world better off than you were four years ago?


this election is more important than most others, because its a war-election.
i personally can't understand why anyone would vote for offensive, unnecessary, war. My personal opinion is that I am afraid, i'm afraid of ignorance in this country, i'm afraid that if bush is re-elected, we won't be ok. some people say, "whats the worse that could happen, it can't rally get worse, only better..." no no no. it can get worse, it can get much worse. and i'm afraid to see the result.

please know your shit.vote

sqeekin' on by

so... in zoo class today, we were studying viruses and HIV... and i'm sitting in my seat thinking, this is really quite fascinating, and i was very please with myself for getting into microbiology and immunology. so... i'm watching, and out of nowhere instead of saying, this is so cool, i bust out with, "I am so COOL." you would think this would be considered a faux paus... BUT i realized, i am cool. hehe. and everyone around me was just like. dude, i'm cool, why haven't i ever had the balls to say that. i explained myself, but then decided i have the ability to find the humor in this and not get all embarrassed.

if you can find the humor in life. it makes life a lot easier. and those who can't... well, you're life sucks and you suck at life. good job, loser.

also. i decided that i just squeek through life. even if i get my stuff done, it is still just squeeking by. not gradewise i don't mean i'm passing with a d. for example. i started writing my paper done for anthropology last week at 6:00 am, obtaining the books and researching it barely the day before, and from 4-6 am that morning. i turned it in 3:10 when the class started at 3:00, got it to the professor and got an A+ on it. i got it, made it seem like i had done days and days of research and wrote a great paper, but still... just squeeking on by.

but once, a professor told me. someone who works hard over a long period of time and succeeds is a great person, but someone who doesn't have to put as much effort into it, and gets it done, and still does a great job, is an amazing person. i live by that.

i am so cool.

truth behind the cookie

my fortune cookie on friday said: "the smart thing to do is to expect the unexpected"

...i never saw it coming.
...any of it.

uno, dos, tres

numero uno. freedom dude. keep it free. the more free you are, in all you do, the less regrets you will have. and thats very important.

numero dos. gossip is funny. b/c its only gossip b/c its all juicy and you can't really tell anyone, but you do. its almost unhandle-able when you are given an amazing bit and you CAN tell everyone, even encouraged to. i just don't know what to do, and all of a sudden, there is no one around to tell.

numero tres. if you aren't feeling it. you aren't feeling it. its not your bag. choose a different bag. and if it is your bag... grab it from that old lady, it's yours anyways. grab it and run.

end.

keepin' it real

people are never who them seem to be, or what they portray themselves as. then there are the people who are real. you can see it in their eyes, in their smile, in their actions. they have a love for people and it seeps through their skin. these people touch lives, for me. even if i never see these people again, they leave an impression that lasts forever. Carmen came over today. living with her this summer... at first i was worried, but i knew she would be better than living with anyone else. i was so wrong. i couldn't have had a better roomie. i love carmen. she is one of the people i CAN be around 24 hours a day without getting sick of her... she is real, and i miss her being around.

i've always hated fake people. sure there are social situations where i'm expected to be fake, but i try to keep it as real as i can without my mom getting angry with me. fake people. they make me livid. why? why can't you just be yourself? just say and act how you feel. if people hate you for it, at least its real. you don't have a love from people that is nothing but plastic.

elaine said one time that i lived in wonderland. and although not in the context she meant it, i think i do. so do most of the people around me. everyone has problems, but be thankful for what you have and enjoy your life. because if you are just upset, you're probably missing something wonderful right in front of you. and you'll regret it later. so just get over it and look around...dance in the rain...enjoy all nighters...take time out and cuddle up with hot chocolate and your friends... be real.

odd occurances

i got 99 problems but a bitch aint one.

i got a 95 on my Organic Chemistry Exam. i'm beginning to think my college career as i know it is a fluke. makes no sense. who in the world wings it through a 30 point question on resonance structures of acids and bases and guesses on half the rest of a test and gets an A. seriously guys. seriously. Dr. Soloshonok; props, dude. you kick ass. i lucked out.

in other occurances... ou-tx ticket sales sucked. uh... with our seats we should have made about 600-800 dollars; however... we ended up with 350. what happened between there? i dunno. jerks. whatever. its still more than i started with.

unlike my sister... i don't know what i want. i don't have a clue. not even a clue. remember my motto. fuckin' luck. oh yeah... its still burnin strong. i don't know how anything happens except by extreme chaos coming together and intersecting right at my life.

damn, i need a coffee.

bathroom reader

sittin' on the bathroom stall, thats where all productive information is found on a college campus... but really, i can't help myself from reading the newspapers pinned by each potty in the stalls. i can't do it. i have to read them, even if its the business or sports section. so today, my read was about the new york times #6 best seller: He's Just Not Into You.

its a harsh reality for anyone. but it a realization that needs to happen. He's just not into you. don't feel hurt if he doesn't call... don't get depressed or overanalyze anything. the answer is simple. he's just not into you. its not a big deal. there is no obligation on his part to call you or keep in touch. he doesn't have to say he misses you and he's thinking about you. it just doesn't have to happen. and thats the way it is. so get over it.

this also ties into my anthropology class. today, we discussed marriage and mate selection. you have your field of possibility, which is pretty much everyone. then you have your field of eligibility... then you have your field of preference. now... as narrowed down as this ends up, in the end you have to be in someone elses field of possibility, eligibility and preference too. it has to be mutual. so...

he's just not into you. and its ok.

so, sometimes, when you are wondering why fireworks aren't going off... why he/she doesn't come around... whats missing? nothing. there is nothing wrong. (s)he's just not into you.

revalations II

i've heard it a hundred times, but it hit last night as i couldn't fall asleep in my nice queen bed in the city.

the only thing in this world i have control over is me, and i can't change anything around me except myself.

so... diabolical plans are swirling around my mess of a brain. unhealthy or not. we'll see how it goes.

also. my sister's palmreader said she is going to have 2 boys, my palm says i'm going to have 3 boys. my question... where are the girls in our family???? i plan on having children until i have a little girl. booyah.