what are you fighting for?

its a perfectly legitimate question. what are you fighting for? everyone's fighting for something right? so what is it that i'm fighting for? and are there any causes left to fight for?

i wonder sometimes what it is that i'm fighting for... not my purpose in life, everyone always wants to know what the meaning of life is... its to fight for something right? to make your mark... your imprint. to leave that impression of a smile in someones eyes... there are plenty of causes to join onto... great ones even: students for action in darfur... amnesty international... a civil rights movement... making the environment that much healthier... cures for epidemic and chronic diseases and cancer... friends of ibillin peace camp... there are thousands... these are all great, and they can infact help you on your fight...maybe you're seeking love... or acceptance... or revenge... or safety... but the question is... what is it that you're fighting for?

what is it that ignites my own fight?
i don't know. best answer i've been able to come up with. hope. i'm fighting for hope. hope for me... or you... for the children and adults battling disease and cancer... for the hungry children in 3rd world countries... for knowledge... or for reconciliation...
right now. thats it. thats all i've got. i've come up with hope.
maybe that's my fight. maybe there's something bigger out there. i don't know. but i know that its all not worth anything unless you're fighting for something.

so what is it that you're afraid of? and what is it that you're fighting for?
just some food for thought.

song of now: 'west indian girl -- what are you afraid of?'

wish upon a star

sometimes i just want to disappear for a little bit... you know... not get anyone looking for me... no one saying hi to me on campus or elsewhere... no one calling me... nothing... just disappear for a bit. completely invisible. i just want that every now and then. i would kinda like that now.

i just want to feel completely comfortable somewhere, and i can't seem to get that anywhere... so i just want to be nowhere...

i have a ton of work waiting behind me... peeking over and tapping my shoulder and with a little caugh saying... 'hey, 'member me? come play.' and i say... 'its not your time yet. go keep yourself occupied for a bit, ok?'

there's a dead rose in the living room with shrivelled up petals everywhere.

song of the week: instrumental medley by michael penn on the Anniversary Party Soundtrack.

necesidad de un milagro

every now and then, i get overwhelmed. and i think i'm superwoman, and i can do it... but every now and then i get that realization of reality....

~flashback~
in middle school, i used to ride the bus home. if i happened to forget my key and elaine wasn't home, it was necessary for me to break into the house. well, sometimes if all my other options failed, my parents bathroom windo would be unlocked. the window is at least 5 feet above the ground... and probably 2 feet by 2 feet. so there i was. hanging upside down with my legs out of a window 5 feet or so up... and my head a few feet above a toilet... at this point exactly reality set in... the reality of, i don't live in a movie and i could actually fall and really hurt myself and no one would even know for a very long time. needless to say, somehow i got through alive... but that realization comes back every now and then.
~end flashback~

so... my realization... there is no way in hell i would have been able to finish what i needed to this week. luckily, karma smiled at me... and my paper got pushed back to monday. this doesn't mean i get to relax... it means i don't have to compromise work.

so... necesité un milagro y Dios sonrió y se rió entre dientes en mi dilación.

wanted: european

so... as of today i'm a real bum for next year. i have no house/condo/apartment lined up and no roommate... i really just want a roommate i don't know, and i want a foreign girl who knows how to have fun. a european... or brazillian... or eastern euro. someone who knows how to have fun and has culture and style and eats good food and is HOT... yeah... maybe this is asking way too much. but i'm looking... i don't know if it would be good for me to live alone... maybe it would be great... i just don't know.

in other news i'm stressed all the way to my fingernails... i have so much due and its all piled in at the end of the semester. i want to shoot myself, but i think i can hopefully pull it off. if i can't... elaine... sell my computer and you can have your computer chair back and whatever of my books you want. mizi... you can have my mirror and lamp... the cello case gets buried with me. the burberry goes to trish.

life is giving me a headache.

can't you?

wide-eyed
expressionless
standing in a shadow
hands down
trembling

can't you see me?

curled up
motionless
cold in the night
eyes exhausted
giving up

can't you hear me?

standing alone
voiceless
in a crowd
heart in throat
falling

can't you love me?

the pretty bum

i'm bumming it up. no one really gets why... me either i suppose. but we have confirmed that i'm "the pretty bum" in that... i shower... and change clothes. i like that title.

i haven't been home in forever. often times this would stress a person out. not me. i'm finally relaxed. sometimes you just have to take matters into your own hands. you gotta weed out the stresses... and being at my apartment is a stress for me right now. i had a lot of studying to do as well, and i get distracted in my room... here, i have no distraction, just study time. it's healthy really. so don't bitch at me about bumming it up. i'm not doing it because i have to. i'm doing it because i'm avoiding being where i don't want to be. when i go to the apartment, i'm immeadiately stressed. i cringe and tense up for as long as i am there. i become irritable... more than usual even. i don't feel like handling it. we choose our battles. and i would rather battle the drunken people at 4 am at the union. i get to hang with mizi too... we've been together a ton... crazy about that girl... real friends? they pick you up from a sleepy stupor of studying all night and take you home and make you breakfast.

music pick of the week: beck - guerro

the sun has gone and forgotten me

"why does this rain pour down i'm gonna drown in a sea of deep confusion" (pink martini - hang on little tomato)

lets start this weekend off with walking down that area between the union and the south oval on campus towards the stadium garage. after a night of studying... it's been raining, so everything is a little darker and a little shiny. everywhere i look though, i go into memory-mode... and who do i see? elie. walking down to meet me in his dumb red hoodie with his headphones on... leaned over laughing his ass off... just walking around at night talking about absolutely nothing. i missed it. friday, i got to talk to him... i saw eddy and he was like... hell, lets call him. i got all emotional.
second time that night.

first time i almost started crying? trisha. when she showed up friday before we left for the party... i just missed her. i missed elaine. i missed the way everything used to be before everything was all messed up. i was so happy she was there and we were all okay. i'm always more inclined to cry when i'm happy than when i'm sad. i didn't cry either time, but i was close both times.

saturday and sunday were really nice except for being miserable in bed with some sort of odd fever-flu-cold. mizi was there with a cold towel to break my fever on saturday. i love my friends.

i'm not sure why, this weekend was really comfortable for me. you know. when you get in a place and time and temp that just feels like you are wearing your absolute favorite t-shirt and pants and your just in your comfy bed or in the sunshine stretched out, just perfectly comfortable. thats the way i feel about this weekend. (aside from the being ill part, that felt like hell.)

other than that, i feel like i can't breath and i'm going to drown.

a terribly sad occurance

telephone conversation:

elaine: hey, do you know who died?
mary: uh, the pope
elaine: no. worse.
mary: worse? someone bigger than the pope?
elaine: well, he probably had a bigger impact on your life than the pope did...
mary: WHO??
elaine: mitch hedberg.
mary: *gasp* oh. my. god.
elaine: yeah, the pope never had you laughing so hard you fell off your bed, now did he?
mary: *still gasping* no. no, he didn't.