throw out the leftovers

at what point do you give up friends for beliefs? or should it be instantaneous in any situation? those you are closest to should have the same ideals as you, correct? is that not one of the main connections between people? but then you have to consider differences as beauty, as the stuff that makes us special... unique... and the acceptance and tolerance of other people, especially friends is a foundation for friendship, is it not?

so at what point do you end a friendship, no matter how strong, based on deviation from values you hold dear and true? and if you do this, will there really be anyone left to be a friend?

difficult thought...

giant baby steps

While at work today, i began thinking about the different people who have influenced me-- people i trust and/or that i would want to recommend me to the medical board for medical school. i believe i will choose 4 as references, although, there is not as far as i could see today, a place for references on the page, i'm pretty sure i need them. anyhow, i haven't decided but the following is a list of influential people that i am considering:

High School:

Melissa Lehmann
although the people i talk to think that using a high school teacher as a reference is silly, this is a teacher that is honestly the reason i went into microbiology and decided to become a docter, without her support and influence, i really would be doing advertising, politics, or some other thing. She was my first anatomy teacher and would allow me extra time to come in and focus on dissections, etc. She really had a passion for teaching and for anatomy, and she really cared about her students. she really made a huge impact on my decision, so i feel it would be appropriate to have her referral.


Jim Waddelow
i will most likely not be using waddelow because the field of music is a bit far off from medical sciences and high school is a reference i am trying to avoid in general. I would consider him for the fact that he is a teacher that knows me very well and could vouch for dedication, leadership, yada yada yada...


College:
the problem with college references is that most of my important classes for medical school are huge, hurting my chances for a teacher that knows me well enough to write a good recommendation.

Dr. Tracy
i will most likely use Dr. Tracy. I think she's really brilliant and i loved her class. I think the class i took with her is appropriate (History of Modern Medicine) and as it was a discussion class, i think she got a nice feel for how i work and how much i appreciate and find interest in medicine.

Dr. Al-Hawary
I had Dr. Al-Hawary for 2 full years of school... He was my Arabic professor, my arabic lit professor and my middle eastern studies advisor. I think we have enough of a personal relationship that he could easily write me a nice recommendation.


Other:

Paul Skierkowski (p-ski)
this is one of the pharmacist i work with. He has also been a professor and has a PhD. I think paul is probably a great writer, and has worked with me long enough to know my strengths, he realized i'm not an idiot, and i think he would really write me a great recommendation.

Charla Bohnert
this is my boss/head pharmacist. Charla knows my competance and could vouch for my work ethic and dedication. i think it would be healthy to have my boss write me a recommend, but i'm not sure.

Saba Bahouth
Family friend that is a professor at the university of oklahoma, Phd. He's known me since i was little and could do me justice.

Miziana Abyad
i'm not sure whether or not they would appreciate a peer recommendation, but if they are interested in anything like that, then mizi would be the one for it. she knows me completely and has seen me work over the years from the AP tests in high school through the MCAT studying last week.


this list is still growing, and is really only on this blog for my personal benefit, however, if you care enough to read it, power to you.

its so weird that i'm applying to medical school right now, putting in my courses, the schools i want to apply to, all the info... just made it so serious. it's really kinda terrifying and so final.

i have to write an essay soon. so i'm going to bed now so i can store up my charm for that.

running for my life

i'm in this rut.

my heart is racing.
i get no sleep.
i study.
sex and the city is my dinner partner.
i'm all anxiety.

its almost over.

then there is about 8 weeks when i don't breathe... and next, the rollercoaster starts all over again.

i'm really tired of this, but there is nothing else i can do right? its sorta like i'm running from some serial killer... i'm running for my life... and i'm so exhausted of running, but i know that if i stop running... i'll be caught and die.. so i only have one choice right? keep running.

cedars falling

when i was younger, i had a little white cassette tape, and although i couldn't read the writing on it, i knew the tape and i listened to it over and over. The tape consisted of a group of children, singing songs about life, some were cute about be a "little angel and a little star" and some were devastating, asking for their childhood back, which was stripped away by war. when i asked my mother the group name, she told me "atfal." that seems utterly appropriate, as its not a specific group of children, but all children, any children. all children want to dance around singing about being a star one day, all children want to enjoy life with their friends, and any child would be devastated to have all that taken away. I wish to god that i could find that tape, or collection of songs now, but hours of searching have been fruitless.

the devastation that is war going on in the middle east right now is not okay. its not justified. Of course i worry about my family and the rockets being dropped on their hometown of nazareth as well as haifa, tiberias, and all the other citites in israel... but at the same time, i think israel's "retaliation" is... well... its bullshit. not only had they already planned this very attack for 5 years, but why in god's name are you destroying the infrastructure of an entire country because of a front of 2 soldiers dying. that doesn't happen, revealing Israel's preconceived plans. this is a video i hope anyone who reads this will watch. George Galloway is arguing with a skynews television reporter, and his arguments are those which are rarely broadcast. this is a british program, but the frustration he goes through and the struggle to get his opinions across is one we face everyday here in america (especially oklahoma) sure, i'm biased as well, but at the same time not really. i don't agree with war in general. how can i be biased? my own family has been close to attack from the hezbollah rockets... but i don't support one member of the israeli military force.

he makes some excellent arguments, stating, that this is ISRAEL infact invading LEBANON and not vice versa, and beyond that, please think beyond 4 weeks ago when trying to figure out what all this war is about. please realize that although many people don't support hezbollah, they do support their causes... even if every member of the hezbollah party were killed by israel in the next 2 weeks, nothing would be accomplished. you can't kill the sparkle of hope in the eyes of a palestinian that they will have their land back. you can't kill that determination. you couldn't do it with the jewish people after world war 2, they achieved their goals, and wont give it up, why would another people, of the same blood and region even, give up their goals, and their home?

no. if hezbollah is crushed in the next few weeks, nothing will come of it. because the resistance isn't in hezbollah, it isn't in any extremist group or isolated country. it is in the hearts of the arab people, and has spread into the hearts of the just people of the world. the people who loathe and oppose hate. the people who have seen the atrocities committed against the arab people, the palestinian people, these peaceful, civilian people.

if you want to learn more about the actual history beyond these people, try some of the following books:

we belong to the land (Chacour)
A concise history of the palestinian-israeli conflict (Bickerton)
Operation Peace for Galilee: the Israeli-PLO War in Lebanon (Gabriel)

or if you care more for my own research and opinions, i can lend you the books and/or papers i have written.

throw away that key!

i'm pushing myself. its hard, but who said it would be easy? i thought organic chemistry was going to be the worst part... yeah, turns out i was wrong, physics wins. i don't understand and it is taking all efforts to not pick the book up and throw it across the room... its so frustrating when i can do something a thousand times and still not understand it. totally logical right? so why can't i do it!?

i've officially finished 2002 chemistry problems in the last week, and i thought THAT made me restless. i can't wait to get to biology. that just makes sense to me. this stuff... well lets just say... i'm hoping for a physical sciences miracle... which according to newton, just isn't going to happen.

i need to be locked in a room with these books. anyone have a spare box with a lock or five on the outside and a key that they are willing to throw away?

logic v rationale

log·ic
n.

1. The study of the principles of reasoning, especially of the structure of propositions as distinguished from their content and of method and validity in deductive reasoning.
2. 1. A system of reasoning: Aristotle's logic.
   2. A mode of reasoning: By that logic, we should sell the company tomorrow.
   3. The formal, guiding principles of a discipline, school, or science.
3. Valid reasoning: Your paper lacks the logic to prove your thesis.
4. The relationship between elements and between an element and the whole in a set of objects, individuals, principles, or events: There's a certain logic to the motion of rush-hour traffic.

i've decided its absolutely irrational to say someone is illogical. how can any one person be the decisive factor is saying what is and isn't the proper deducement of a conclusion? perhaps in physical and mathematical sciences, a more absolute path to a more absolute answer is possible. but when it comes to a person's thoughts and emotions, no label of "logical or illogical" can be used. i can accept irrational, because the word irrational denotes more of a bias/opinion. but illogical... there is no way in psychological terms to objectively deem a thought process logical or not. example...we'll say person A is over-analytical and paranoid. person B is a more straight to the point sort of person. person B may think person A is completely illogical in their train of thought, and may laugh at their... ridiculosity, if you will... but if you put yourself in person A's shoes, and go through each step, the conclusion may seem perfectly reasonable. in the opposite situation, person A may consider person B's deducements to be lacking and overlooking very important factors in the train-of-thought-equation.
all in all... i've decided to completely disregard the common misuse of the term illogical, unless applied to a situation completely ruled by physical or biological sciences.

i was listening to "why can't a woman be more like a man" from "my fair lady" and it brought on this spew of thoughts...

so how does that make you feel?

how does that make you feel:

:: god, it hurts.

~rewind~

how does that make you feel:

::frustrated; how is it that our universe is all encompassing but still expanding into NOTHING... and how is it that black holes lead into nothing but are throwing something back out into our not-so-universe??

~rewind~

how does that make you feel:

::terribly frightened; how can i be expected to remember all these greek letters when each one means five different things??

~rewind~

how does that make you feel:

::sad and alone. a little hopeless, and that everything is totally futile.

~rewind~

how does that make you feel:

::totally overwhelmed and empty all at the same time.

~rewind~

how does that make you feel:

::warm and content, able to peacefully sleep and never to want to lose a minute.

so where does that put you now?

::totally lost.