The Streets are Going Soft

This post was really inspired this weekend during a quest to find something decent on the radio. I don't generally listen to the radio, and as such, i had no idea what had become "popular"...i enjoy my booty rap and hip hop though, and as such, i was ready to hear something good. so there we are, after what feels like years of radio station ADD trying to find THE song... i hear the excited shriek i'd been waiting for. Only what i was expecting to hear didn't come out of this pop icon rap guys mouth... he was singing about love and 'be my girlfriend' yada yada blah blah blah. i have to say i was a little upset. if i wanted to hear about love, i would have put on some celiene dion and called it a night... i wanted to hear what rap used to be about... rap was about MO' MONEY not being broke and not being able to buy their girl flowers... no no no... rap is about buying rocks and drinks for all your hos, bein in your gold plated hot tub, wearing a royal robe and crown, gettin your share of ass for the night from your choice of booty hos--a few times, sippin' on your gin and juice, pourin a little out for your dead homies, and passin out until the next day when you do it all over again.

shit... whats happened to the rapworld today... its all goin soft. please, if i wanna dance to something, i don't want it to remind me that i work hard, or that i'm broke, or that i want a boyfriend who will treat me right... i want it to transcend me to the world of booty-shakin, drug-takin, money-makin hos and bros that i will never know.

comfort and happiness

The dictionary defines comfort as "a state of ease and satisfaction of bodily wants, with freedom from pain and anxiety."
The dictionary defines happiness as "a state of well-being and contentment."

Growing up, guardians are those who put us in a positions to be as comfortable as possible, they put us in a position to learn to make ourselves happy. They must make decisions for us, as children tend to be so open as to listen to their hearts over all reason. Sometimes we hate out guardians for what they do to us, but often, later we realize that it was in our best interest, and we appreciate their actions. We resent not being able to spend the night at a friends house, for not getting the candy or food that we want, for not being able to stay up late talking on the phone...

Some might consider contentment and comfort to be synonymous. Maybe that's true or maybe that becomes true for an individual when they reach a critical point of numbness. We make decisions in dealing with people everyday. In order for these decisions to be sensible and solid decisions they must be approached by two methods simultaneously, by using your heart and your mind both. At times, the decision must be based not on what both your heart and mind want but what is best for both of them.

Therefore we reach a point in life, and often we dont realize when this point hits, that we must act as our own guardians. We have to protect ourselves from damage and put ourselves in the best position to be comfortable and in the best position to learn to make ourselves happy. This means having the strength to make decisions that may make us miserable at the time, but are the best for our interests in the longrun.

While happiness may never be reached, contentment and felicity may never be attained, in this situation, although numbness may consume our minds and bodies for a while, a state of well-being and comfort will be reached eventually. This comfort isn't the sort you feel in the arms of someone you love, but rather a comfort with yourself that you feel only when you learn to live with yourself and the numbness and/or situation that surrounds you.

acting as your own guardian sometimes comes as the hardest thing to do. Sometimes it means breaking your own heart so someone else doesn't do it first, sometimes it means knowing to break off a friend before they hurt you socially, sometimes it simply means not allowing yourself to indulge in food or behavior that you may want, but that is only damaging to yourself.

we don't always want to grow up, but sometimes we're forced to... we have to mature eventually... and this is done by having the strength to become the guardian of your own heart, mind, and self. The outward look of contentment is why we may feel that some people who "have it easy" seem totally mature, and others who seem cold and bitter are completely immature, but please, make a decision about these people using both your heart and mind. you'll find that maturity isn't defined by contentment, but rather the ability to become our own guardians and consequently the ability to live with the misery--turned to numbness--that comes from the informed decisions we must make for ourselves.

the curse of the mcat

mcat 1: mouth surgery a few days prior
mcat 2: my car didn't start, and i had to get a cab, i was late
mcat 3: my computer froze and wouldn't boot back up. i got rescheduled to take it on vacation.
mcat 4: my dog died. my baby died. my stella bella died.

thank you to my mom for not telling me until after my mcat on the last time, but i'm so tired of taking the MCAT and i'm tired of increasing horridness of every mcat day.

we never know whats going to happen. i didn't even say bye to my little girl because i was afraid she would get upset that i was leaving... because she always got upset when i would leave... i didn't think... i mean...

i can't always keep thinking i should have i should have... it wasn't anyones fault. she just hated being alone.

we spend too much time thinking our what ifs.

it sucks that she's gone... i don't really know what to do or think... i think not only am i devastated that my stella bella is gone... i think i'm finally realized that my mishka is gona as well... i shouldn't ever leave town.

:(

v-fest: take deux

i'm sore, oh so sore... here are the highlights:

*CSS get the award for most creative set. it was noon, and they had trees dancing on stage and there was a rainbow spandex suit over another spandex suit, all in all--awesome. they're great quote "this is the greatest day of our lives dancing with these trees onstage."
*regina specktor was only more than i hoped for. she was the opposite of amywinehouse, SO excited to be there and she had a cute little purple ruber snake.
*Panic! at the disco! and spoon were both really great sets that i didn't realize i was looking forward to.
*the yeah yeah yeahs held their position in my books. NOBODY rocks out like karen O. it just doesn't happen. i want to very badly, i think i may need more eyeliner and better tights.
*The crystal method was insanity. three words: sweat, heat, adreniline.
*Interpol put on a good show from the 2 songs i saw of it, but i was pretty much not paying attention and using the time to soak in the rain and relax after the crystal method
*Smashing Pumpkins was cool too see.. yea billy corgan! I like your shirt! i'm not gonna lie... when he said "the world is a vampire" i agreed and tried to show it despite my body rejecting itself by this point.
*311 put on a great show and you knew everyone in the crowd was having just a stupid good time. most amusing parts of this show: the dude running around in the back hitting everyone's butt and going straight up wild.

all in all the weekend was totally awesome, i couldn't have rocked harder or my body would have cracked into pieces. we ended the night going to eat at a place called paper moon with creepy dolls and toys glued all over the walls in the creepiest fashion i've ever seen. The place is 24/7 and i'm convinced it is so due to the fact that they are terrified these creatures will come to life if they close. picture it this way: the spiderbaby contraption from toy story along with all the other toys that creepy kid made everywhere all over the walls staring at you. good food. just creepy.

v-fest: take one

so here are some of the basics of day one:

*the fratellis rock my socks off
*sasha and digweed caused us all to maniac (a sort of dance) for a good hour or so... earning us some new friends and causing us all to lose at least 2 lbs of water as sweat and like 8000 calories
*amy winehouse was SO not interested in being there and as much as i love her voice and her music... she lost a little respect for her performance. don't get my wrong, vocally it was not a bad performance. she just didn't wanna be there... biggest disappointment of the day goes to her.
*sting sorta reminds me of kevin jones
*i really wanted to see modest mouse a little more but by the end of the night i practically passed out from lack of water and food and too much heat
*the beastie boys, gray hair or not, rock so many times over...
*the lead singer of incubus reminded me so much of pauly shore, that i had to stop watching the screen and just dance because i was convinced he was gonna turn around and say something like "you likes?!" after each song
*lets just say we got so dirty i would have been better off wearing mud for shoes.

oh baby, i'm so tired.. i'm waiting for the laundry to finish so we can go to sleep, wake up and do it all over again. OH YEAH!!!

it rocks.. i really don't think there is another word that better fits out.