nightmares

i tried to go to sleep at 12 tonight, its not working. i fell right asleep, that wasn't any part of the problem. i woke up at 2:27 after having had really odd vivid nightmares. you have to understand, nightmares are really rare for me. even when i was little, as soon as i was asleep i was good. i mean, sure i've had some, but they aren't usually this vivid or miltiple in one night.

recurring parts of the dreams:
i faint, and people are comging to help me and i know they can't do anything, but i don't try to stop them.
2. cars, the lsst part dealt with a really weird and bad car crash, i'm driving my car for a lot of the dreams...
3. people who i don't know who are gray. i don't think that they were dead, but they were definitely unable to coherantly talk and they were gray.

i know that this doesn't sound scary as is... but i don't want to write out my entire dream... my head is an odd and scary place to be right now, and i needed someone to talk to. the blog had to do.

dream

I had a dream you cared.

mullet?

one of the most frequent topics in question this year that i have come across, and i know i've asked before on this blog... mullets. why? WHY? and who is telling them that this looks good?

well... i've found an answer. Günther. thats right Günther. Günther of Günther and the Sunshine Girls. MTVasia/europe sex icon. yeah. business in the front, party in the back.
check out the ding dong song HERE.
disclaimer: the beats are great, but some of the lyrics are just ridiculous/funny and some of the visuals are disturbing.

and to sassify you while that loads... here's some eyecandy:

the hotness:

safety in life

being safe in life has nothing to do with security. it's all about insecurity. if you're secure, you're proabably not safe. you're probably compromising. I think safety in life is being able to comfortable ask why? to any situation or person. if you can't answer why... then you're in a place you shouldn't be. one of the most important parts of living is questioning your surroundings. that is what freedom and life is all about. in true democracy we should feel comfortable questioning our government and not being harassed or judged for doing so. in a truly free life, you should be able to ask question anything and not feel bad about it or be harassed for doing so. it should be encouraged even.

if we don't ask why, we can't learn. if we can't learn, then why are we alive?

i find odd comfort and security in the unknown, in insecurities (and lord knows i have a lot).

peoplewatching

Often I find myself forgetting I'm there. I'm just sitting on a bench or leaning against a rail...
peoplewatching. And thinking about myself and them, and our connection, though it may be faint and seemingly insignificant.

Think of the number of people who that judged you throughout your life, or hell, even just today. The millions of people a year, hundreds or thousands of people per day, that looked at you from hair to toenails and made a decision about you, whether blantantly or subconsciously. In a tiny fraction of a second, each of these people have formulated their own story about you. Your life. The decisions you've made throughout you relief. Your family. Everything. They are deciding if you are happy, depressed, livid, or complacent. Of course, all they see is the masqued representation you have decided to put forth. An image which could be realistic, surreal, optimistic, or a blatant lie.

Our own self-image itself is merely a mirror of our judgments on others. We dress and act in ways that have affected us in a manner which we deemed pleasing or appropriate. A teacher once said... "An interesting person changes how they dress each day-- I say-- an accepting person does.

speaking of last year...

check out my flikr:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/ironyandwine/

its got all the pics from jordan that i was always too damn lazy to put up.

just one year ago...

one year ago...
click on the picture... check out my hair.
and max (the dog).
i love max.
i miss my last summer.

ode to my sweatpants

mizi and i have a mutual problem. sweatpants.
we can't help ourselves.
i own the most comfortable pants in the world. these pants are the inspiration of my post tonight. That is correct, my pair of pants recently became my muse.

you know what a good comfortable pair of pants are? a good, perfect-temperature-all-the-time, cute, perfect-fit, cozy, feel-good, warm-fuzzy, (brown)? those sweatpants are happiness. delight. comfort.
they are happiness because they are comfort. i always happen to be wearing my sweatpants (not nec. the perfect ones, but sweatpants in general) during my happiest times. why is this? b/c those are the times i'm completely comfortable, i'm with people i love, and am obviously comfortable and informal around, i'm the perfect temperature inside and out, i'm cuddley, i'm just comfortable with my surroundings, and therefore happy.

you know that feeling when you wake up, and you can't feel your body, everything is just warm, and you're just perfectly comfortable, and you don't want to move?
i love that feeling.

wont you be my sweatpants?

here... try again.

whats weirder than cycling life?
realizing you've been cycled out.

what makes that worse?
not really having any idea why.

this has been another occurance that recurs actually quite often with me... which leads me to believe i'm doing something wrong. or maybe i make wrong friend choices... or oh, who knows what i'm doing.

sometimes i just want to erase it all, erase everything. pick up and leave. start somewhere else new. where no one knows me, or my family, or anything about me. nothing. no expectations. i get set my own standard. i get to start new with friends, though i know this is hard. its like being handed life and god saying, here...try again.

thats what laney had to do in balty. She had a few connections to start off with... but she did well with the new life bit.

and back to balty she blew. my big sis left today. i know i'll miss her. i already do. its hard with her living so far away, sure, we get along for a greater percentage of the time. but i don't mind fighting with her. i get to make fun of it later. shes a great big sister. and i was able to sit back quite often this weekend and just be happy that i was raised the way i was, and i was able to be thankful that elaine and i are the only people that think elaine and i are funny most of the time, but DAMN are we fun(ny).

i dreamt about Jad last night. it was one of those really realistic dreams, as soon as i saw him i attacked him and got the best hug ever. i don't know what would make me dream of Jad right now, other than that is it "convention time of the year", and i haven't seen him for years. but i miss him. i miss a lot of things.

i'm listening to Elliot Smith. and you should be.

turkel and my mini-lesson

~and i shall call him Tercel (pronounced turkel)~

[mood|just here]
[music|The Dreamers;Tous Les Garçins Et Les Filles]

trish and i went walking tonight, we walked further than i've ever really walked around the lake... i just never walk to that part of the lake... and it wasn't far beyond where i usually am... but it was beautiful, i really didn't want to stop walking... just one of those spots you forget you're in oklahoma. trees all around, everythings green, wildlife (sorta... frogs, fish, birds, bunnies, birds, etc) one of those places you just wanna lay in the middle of the grass and stay there all night.

we found a tiny turtle. unethical shmunmethical. he could have been run over by a reckless speed-walker. we named him turkel, and put him in a container with pebbles and water "to recreate what he's used to". i love him.

turkel the turtle. he's tiny. and a picture was involved in the making of this post.

something interesting i've realized... partially from observing my mother, partially from rewatching shrek 2, not really about the turtle, but i suppose it applies.

if you love someone enough, you hold out and do everything to can to help them.
if you love someone enough, you have to be able to let them go.

now, the more difficult part is determining which route is the more appropriate to take.

as for me... even if i care enough to let you go, what do i do if i don't want to?

a surreal monday-night downtown

surreal is the right word.

on my way into downtown i passed the bus station on walker. i was going the speedlimit, but as i looked by, everything seemed like stillframe images, slowly passing by. A muslim lady (what me and all my arab cousins would call a "ninja" b/c she was completely covered except for her eyes) was sitting, covered in white at the bus stop. a man, one of the 5 oklahoma city downtown professional bums to be precise walked in front of her, and gave her this accusing stare that seemed to me incredible. Here was this bum-guy, who is judged by all of society, spit-upon by onlookers with the words "get a job", and he is looking at this muslim lady as if she is lower than him and as if she were the cause of his troubles, he was judging her. that was just a weird slow-motion picture, as i was looking in making my observations on both of them from my car.

so i continued down the street, made my left on couch dr. and there i was: the civic center. the steps and courtyard in the front were scattered with aging rock-n-rollers. 107.7 KRXY was blasting tunes that everyone was singing along to. the mullets were as aflow as champagne on new years... and there i was in the middle of all of it, taking in all these people that were remembering their first george thorogood concert 30 years ago.
mental pictures:
1. the 60 year old outside holding up a giant sign saying "free america or drug free america, can't be both" on one side and "stop the gangs, legalize the drugs" on the other
2. the guitarist reaching over and picking up some underwear thrown on the stage as if it were a skunk and throwing it to the back of the stage carefully.
3. countless grilled-tan 50-somethings in cowboy hats and tight-tight-tight jeans dancing around the stairs and isles doing a jig like nothing i've ever witnessed in my life.
4. every woman over 40 that thought she was hot, was being followed directly by her best friend, that obviously knew that she herself was not. (the "hot" woman usually wearing non-fitting strappy shirts letting something or another hang out with tight jeans dyed and torn in all the wrong places, burned out hair, and makeup you couldn't see through, the "not" woman, was usually 2 feet shorter, often midget-size even, rotund, and wearing nothing that matched, but happy and feeling cool b/c she was with the "hot" one)

these people may not know how to dress in 2005, and may be a little odd... but shit do they choose good music. George Thorogood and the Destroyers, now THEY know how to rock. 30 years later and its still incredible. still bad-to-the-bone.
maybe an osteoporotic bone in some of the onlookers cases... but still crazy-bad-to-the-bone.

great experience.

existential et ceteras

everything and everyone comes into and leaves our lives for a purpose.
every argument, every thought process, every event, every coincidence, every regret.
the purpose is maybe to better understand ourselves.

the purpose is definately to learn to our maximum capacity.

the other day, someone said to me... is it bad that i don't believe in anything? and what he should believe. i of course responded yes,a dn that i couldn't tell him what to believe. he went on to explain the flippant nature of his thoughts. he intervhanged from believing everything had a place and everything is worthless. and he asked me, whats the point of believing if nothing is important. whats the point of interacting if it all amounts to nothing... and if it all amounts to nothing whats the point of life?

to him i replied. you interact, you question, you argue, you discuss, you observe, you live in order to understand your surroundings, to make the environment most appropriate for learning. you learn to better understand yourself. you better understand yourself in order to have your beliefs, not necessarily religious, but they can be. a belief is anything inside of you, that is in tune with your person completely. in order to found these beliefs, you have to better understand yourself, however, you are only an extention of your environment, and therefore you must understand your environment, which you can only do by learning about it through situations, through arguements, through discussions, observations. by understanding your thought process and how they work, and reaching into the thought proceses of others and understanding how those work. think about it, everything about us is designed with a greater purpose of obtaining information about the world around us, our eyes, our ears, our tastes, touch, smell, brain, everything.

by obtaining all this information we can better understand purposes and existential et ceteras.

the key

so... you all know if you read this that there is one person in this world that can actually make me cry, hands down, never fails, my mother. and i realized what it is.

i've lost a lot of friends this semester. i'll live i'm sure... i'm cycling ... but when the one person in the world that you know "loves you unconditionally" and will always "be there to support you" looks at you with dead seriousness and tells you that you're straight up ugly, you're a failure, you're a vulger monster, you're dumb (you choose the adjective--the one thing that you're most self conscious about-- and that you just don't want to face the truth. okay, the first few times you hear this... blow it off... people say things they don't mean when they're angry. but when it becomes a statement of good times and bad times, of anger and calm, of everyday... thats when it gets to you, at least, that's when it gets to me. my mother holds the key to this because as a mother her figure is to love me unconditionally when nobody else will or is around to.
elaine's gone.

that abandoned feeling... is getting worse and worse with this headache.

but as the abandoned feeling grows, i just want to be more reclusive. as much as i want to stay at my parents house for example, i'm in love with this house, the pool, my bedsheets, the tile, everything... its not working. a transition shouldn't take the entire 3 damn months of vacation. i know i'm psychotic. but as a psychologist, maybe rather than my mother pushing me to the point where i'll do something drastic, my mother could understand and back off when she needs to. no. she goes in harder. prods. and they don't want us to get along. some people are like that. and i think we'll get along better if we miss each other, if i'm not living here. if i move back to norman, it seems like a stupid decision when i have it so good here, but all i get is bitched at for driving to norman for school/work (at least with work i was getting paid!) i get bitched at for the 1 errand i didn't get to in a week rather than the 20 million that i completed. i'm just not built like elaine. i can't deal with this. who knows i haven't decided anything yet.

learning from loss

how often is it that we learn from something we obtain? more often i think the situation is that we learn from what we lose. when i'm dealing with an acquaintance, i will give them respect and i'll trust them--to a degree, i'm not sure i really trust anyone at all-- but i'll give them respect. the moment they do something to jeopardize that respect or trust, its gone. if i see a great deal of quality in one of these acquaintances or friends, then i will be willing to give them chances again and again, but after a while... i don't really care to tolerate people thinking they can treat me however they want, so when the respect is lost no matter how good of friends we continue to be, the full respect is rarely gained back.

so that's it. you learn from what you lose. you don't really appreciate a job and its benefits until it's gone... you don't appreciate those you love fully until you fear their loss... i dont necessarily mean death...even if its just a move away. elaine and i started getting along the best when she moved out of the house and left for a summer before college. its just the way things work. and for me. you learn about people and situations when they lose my respect. oh. and i remember my lessons usually. i get that from my dad. we hold grudges. we cut people off. its not the thing to do. but we do it.

i always was daddy's girl. and i was always a nice girl. i can be the best friend you've every had. but don't try to walk all over me.

in the words of deniro: "i have to be able to trust you with my life, can i trust you?"