watching the IV drops

i guess hospitals are a place most people find uncomfortable. Sitting in the waiting room, the families and friends seem squeamish, not only because of whatever procedure they are waiting to be done to whomever--but because of their environment. and that is understandable. hospitals are cold, there are sick people everywhere, IV's, needles, waiting rooms. everyone's waiting... waiting to get better or waiting to see if they get worse... waiting to see if they're gonna go home... waiting to see who their next nurse may be... waiting waiting waiting.

its like one building that encompasses so many of people's worst fears: small spaces... sick people... needles... blood... death... freak accidents... everything scary in the world i guess.

i'm not uncomfortable being in the hospital. the scenes and environments don't bother me... where time seems to pass slower for every one else, somehow it passes faster for me. the only thing that bothers me about being in a hospital is that i can't do more to help those in pain around me. i think i've finally validated my decisions in life. i could do lots of things and be happy. i could be a teacher, i could be a research scientist, or a UN official, a CDC leader, a middle eastern peace non profit organization head... but this weekend has shown me what i already knew in clearer light. my calling is to the hospital, to the place of other people's worse fears... my calling is to calm them, comfort them, and everything in the capacity of my existence to ease their illnesses, fears, discomfort...

this isn't an uncomfortable place. it just isn't easy to face our fears. my fear comes into play in that... my worst fear is that i haven't done all i could, i couldn't help. this is the place of my worst fear, and also the only place i can face it, overcome it, and/or vanquish it. i guess its just where i should be... even if it takes me quite a while to get there.

so thats the only bad part about being here really... just that i can't do more to help.

4 years after needing new

exactly 4 years ago this week, i started this blog, and its gone just about everywhere since then...through elections and politics, strange dreams, poems, oh...everything. whats funny is i happened to be in the same place i was 4 years ago. my first post only said monotony: i need new. and i started the blog to sorta somehow push myself to "new"... only... this time... i needed new and as a result got a new car, quit my job, moved to the city, threw out a ton of my belongings and clothes, and started at the health science center in public health. if you told me this 4 years ago, i would have said you were an idiot.

4 years... and i was still looking for the next new thing. its funny to see how its changed. i was always determined to make sure this wasn't too diary-esque... i'm never quite sure why i say some of the things i say... i'll never understand why it is that as a kid we wrote about what we ate for dinners in our diaries... like THAT was going to be interesting to read later.

in everything i write, i may not have written about my feelings, and i may not remember writing anything at all... but whats interesting about this blog is that as soon as i read an excerpt--i know exactly what my mood was and what happened that day. its like a secret diary that no one knows about 'cept me.

mrs. s. palin... you haven't escaped my blog. you're on the agenda, i'm just tired, and you'd take the rest of my needed energy away from me, hockey mom. so until next time....

happy anniversary.

political toasters and the TIME

i'm in love with obama. i am.

it took me a while to decide this actually. When we were first looking into who might be the candidates last year, i wasn't at all sure about him, i didn't know nearly enough about him, and i just wasn't really convinced. so i started doing my research, which aside from reading up on him and watching him etc, including my latest summer reading of "the audacity of hope"

he convinced me. he wins.

if you've talked to me about how i feel about him, you've probably already heard this analogy. politics are sticky. in fact, i'm fairly sure the work politic comes from the latin for "sticky". not really... it actually came from the greek for city/citizen... anyways... its sticky. and you never know whats a front and what needs to be said and what CAN be done and what needs to be done and what is possible to accomplish... but by the time you start peeling off all the layers... you're probably exhausted only a few layers in. Its something we've come to accept and understand in studying our politicians. try to see through some of the cracks in the smoke being blown at us... thats about all we can do. so anyhow... here's my analogy. when you receive a gift from someone, the cordial and appropriate thing to do is express gratitude and extreme approval. "oh i really needed this toaster! its perfect! i shall put it in my toaster garden and it will just match amazingly oh my gosh how could you know?! its.. its.. perfect!" but... when you really DO love the gift, and you really DO believe it's perfect, what do you do? you sound exactly the same as when you weren't being quite as candid--if not even more fake. that line is fine. so fine in fact that we use it on a regular basis so as not to offend aunt marianne who got you a barney clock for your 15th birthday-- and aunt marianne will never know the difference. now... away from toasters, and back to poliltics. if politics is the response of courtesy and fake-itude then barack, while he may appear to look the same, is the genuine response.

go read his book. you can hear it in his voice, read it in his book. he really is that 1 in a million guy that really intends to do everything he sets out to do. he really is the guy that we are all depending on. he's the guy that when we say "someone should do something about that"... he's doing something about it. i had such a strange flood of emotion for his cause while reading my book during the democratic convention... that i just had to get it off my chest.

in other news, don't think i didn't give mccain a chance. i used to like him... i remember saying a few years ago what a better candidate he would have been than w. but i encourage you to all go read the TIME interview with him in the "republican" issue. he literally said nothing at all, just took the interviewer in circles and refused to answer anything at all. rather than take that opportunity to show his strengths, he showed ME that he's just like the other smoke-blowers. trying to send us in circles and sound like he's saying something when he's saying nothing at all (although in the interview he didn't even try THAT very hard. he just said nothing"

let me give you a small recap of part of the interview. seriously. it blew my mind, and this is straight from the times.

What do you want voters to know coming out of the Republican Convention — about you, about your candidacy?
I'm prepared to be President of the United States, and I'll put my country first.

There's a theme that recurs in your books and your speeches, both about putting country first but also about honor. I wonder if you could define honor for us?
Read it in my books.

I've read your books.
No, I'm not going to define it.

But honor in politics?
I defined it in five books. Read my books.

[Your] campaign today is more disciplined, more traditional, more aggressive. From your point of view, why the change?
I will do as much as we possibly can do to provide as much access to the press as possible.

But beyond the press, sir, just in terms of ...
I think we're running a fine campaign, and this is where we are.

Do you miss the old way of doing it?
I don't know what you're talking about.

Really? Come on, Senator.
I'll provide as much access as possible ...

In 2000, after the primaries, you went back to South Carolina to talk about what you felt was a mistake you had made on the Confederate flag. Is there anything so far about this campaign that you wish you could take back or you might revisit when it's over?
[Does not answer.]

Do I know you? [Says with a laugh.]
[Long pause.] I'm very happy with the way our campaign has been conducted, and I am very pleased and humbled to have the nomination of the Republican Party.

You do acknowledge there was a change in the campaign, in the way you had run the campaign?
[Shakes his head.]

You don't acknowledge that? O.K., when your aides came to you and you decided, having been attacked by Barack Obama, to run some of those ads, was there a debate?
The campaign responded as planned.

if anyone saw the cho-show recently... M. Cho has a beauty pageant and her assistants final question was "what was the last thing you needed to apologize for?" she consequently responds with a pre-determined answer about bringing home the troops and ending the war in iraq. thats sorta what mccain reminds me of in that piece.

seriously. i'll lose what little faith i have left in humanity if mccain is in the oval office next year.