namaste

namaste is a hindu expression which has many meanings in context... here are a few of them:

• The Spirit in me meets the same Spirit in you.
• I greet that place where you and I are one.
• I salute the Light of life in you.
• I receive the free spirit in you.
• I recognize that within each of us is a place where peace dwells, and when we are in that place, we are One.
• My energy salutes your energy.
• The life in me sees and honors the life in you.
• May the life within you be strong.
• The light within me sees and honors the light within you.

we're so sheltered in america... there are wars going on in other countries every day, but we don't see it, we don't feel it... at least not on a daily basis... perhaps its on the news, but we learned to tune that out years ago when our fathers had it on all night long...

12 years ago, on april 19, 2005-- i was a little fourth grader on the way to a building very near to the alfred p. murrah building.... i'm pretty sure i have the full story of that day elsewhere on this blog... and when the bus i was on jumped, and we were informed there was a bomb, not one of our little fourth grade minds could fathom what actually happened. Here we are again... mid-april... and we can't fathom what has happened, in another small college town, very similar to my own norman... the quiet kid in class that no one ever would have suspected ended the lives of 33 people he didn't have anything to do with... Beautiful, smart, senior-itis infected, or fresh-to-college wided-eyed kids. We never realize it could happen to us-- until it does... and then we just can't understand it...


i know this may sound a little wierd, but its something that has sorta stuck with me in my head. in eighth grade, we read this poem about a mushroom that was quietly looked over every day, until one day he got a whole mushroom army together and conquered the world. the moral of the poem was something along the lines of don't disregard the quiet ones, they'll take over the world... or that they are plotting... or they're terrifying... anyhow... scary quiet mushroom army... we used to make fun of the poem saying things like "oh...so and so is being quiet in class... they may be plotting to take over the world... beware!" yeah, we were dorks... anyhow... that poem sorta came into my mind again when i heard about Cho Seung-Hui. Quiet kid, dark writing, but no darker than anything the video games all the kids plays has instilled. then all of a sudden, he cracks, and kills himself, proving nothing, because all we know is he was on a blood-mission... there was no point... if he was sick of being overlooked, he would have done better doing a tap dance in front of the buildings, then he would have been alive for everyone to recognize him.

its scary... its scary to think of how we interact with people and whether we disregard them or whatever... how that really affects them in the longrun... and what those desperate people are capable of doing.

virginia tech... i've never been there, i know some people who have gone there, i've seen the faces of those murdered, and although i've been in the surprising situation as well, where too many people die for no reason at all, its still unfathomable to me.

students at virginia tech-- i hope you can go on from classroom to classroom in peace... i hope you will keep the memories of your wonderful friends alive... and i hope you will see that we are all against this vicious and ugly murder... and i hope you will begin to speak out against murder and war in all senses and all over the war. its never okay and its never going to be understood.

so... may the life within you be strong.

namaste.

falling far out of sight

insecurities can be overwhelming. they can destroy connections, they can destroy relationships, they can destroy people. truly know the people you associate with, otherwise misinterpretation can ruin you both. i have a tendancy to watch people. i have an obsession to communicate. i have more insecurities than anyone will ever know about. and the times that this becomes obvious are when you are making yourself something you are not-- when you put yourself out there where you shouldn't be, and you know you shouldn't be there and you are hurt and insecure, but you stay, and you think there is something wrong with you. then all of a sudden you are standing at a bar and you look back at your table, and you notice your toes aren't cold anymore, your arms aren't crossed, the people looking back at you love you for who you are, for what you look like, for what you believe. they love you more for your faults, your insanity, for you, the love they exude makes you warm, makes you belong. you are all of a sudden completely comfortable and you look in the mirror behind that table and for the first time in what seems like an eternity, you don't hate what you see staring back at you, maybe you even like it.

what i love about the hilo, and i tell everyone this, is that there is no judgement there. the quiet kid in the corner isn't creepy, the guy with the crazy hair dancing to whatever song is playing on the jukebox is just satisfied with life and letting himself free, the table of people laughing are inviting and interacting with anyone who passes by or doesn't. its like one big comfort zone whether you've never been there or you are a regular. i wish i could take the atmosphere i feel when i'm there elsewhere with me.

maybe the girl who didn't say hello was worried you were busy and she didn't want to interrupt you, maybe she was scared you wouldn't return her hello, maybe she didn't want to make you uncomfortable, maybe she tried and you just missed her subtle motions, maybe she was hurt, maybe she thinks she doesn't belong, maybe she's just misunderstood and maybe if you said hi to her, you'd make her night.

i'm tired of everything that surrounds me... maybe it would have been better for me to leave this year... get away from everything, but i've already made the decision to stay, and i can't change that... so... here i am. i'm losing my mind... i'm losing you... i'm losing myself...

"i want to leave today... the sky is big and my life is small" -vast