falling far out of sight

insecurities can be overwhelming. they can destroy connections, they can destroy relationships, they can destroy people. truly know the people you associate with, otherwise misinterpretation can ruin you both. i have a tendancy to watch people. i have an obsession to communicate. i have more insecurities than anyone will ever know about. and the times that this becomes obvious are when you are making yourself something you are not-- when you put yourself out there where you shouldn't be, and you know you shouldn't be there and you are hurt and insecure, but you stay, and you think there is something wrong with you. then all of a sudden you are standing at a bar and you look back at your table, and you notice your toes aren't cold anymore, your arms aren't crossed, the people looking back at you love you for who you are, for what you look like, for what you believe. they love you more for your faults, your insanity, for you, the love they exude makes you warm, makes you belong. you are all of a sudden completely comfortable and you look in the mirror behind that table and for the first time in what seems like an eternity, you don't hate what you see staring back at you, maybe you even like it.

what i love about the hilo, and i tell everyone this, is that there is no judgement there. the quiet kid in the corner isn't creepy, the guy with the crazy hair dancing to whatever song is playing on the jukebox is just satisfied with life and letting himself free, the table of people laughing are inviting and interacting with anyone who passes by or doesn't. its like one big comfort zone whether you've never been there or you are a regular. i wish i could take the atmosphere i feel when i'm there elsewhere with me.

maybe the girl who didn't say hello was worried you were busy and she didn't want to interrupt you, maybe she was scared you wouldn't return her hello, maybe she didn't want to make you uncomfortable, maybe she tried and you just missed her subtle motions, maybe she was hurt, maybe she thinks she doesn't belong, maybe she's just misunderstood and maybe if you said hi to her, you'd make her night.

i'm tired of everything that surrounds me... maybe it would have been better for me to leave this year... get away from everything, but i've already made the decision to stay, and i can't change that... so... here i am. i'm losing my mind... i'm losing you... i'm losing myself...

"i want to leave today... the sky is big and my life is small" -vast