watching the IV drops

i guess hospitals are a place most people find uncomfortable. Sitting in the waiting room, the families and friends seem squeamish, not only because of whatever procedure they are waiting to be done to whomever--but because of their environment. and that is understandable. hospitals are cold, there are sick people everywhere, IV's, needles, waiting rooms. everyone's waiting... waiting to get better or waiting to see if they get worse... waiting to see if they're gonna go home... waiting to see who their next nurse may be... waiting waiting waiting.

its like one building that encompasses so many of people's worst fears: small spaces... sick people... needles... blood... death... freak accidents... everything scary in the world i guess.

i'm not uncomfortable being in the hospital. the scenes and environments don't bother me... where time seems to pass slower for every one else, somehow it passes faster for me. the only thing that bothers me about being in a hospital is that i can't do more to help those in pain around me. i think i've finally validated my decisions in life. i could do lots of things and be happy. i could be a teacher, i could be a research scientist, or a UN official, a CDC leader, a middle eastern peace non profit organization head... but this weekend has shown me what i already knew in clearer light. my calling is to the hospital, to the place of other people's worse fears... my calling is to calm them, comfort them, and everything in the capacity of my existence to ease their illnesses, fears, discomfort...

this isn't an uncomfortable place. it just isn't easy to face our fears. my fear comes into play in that... my worst fear is that i haven't done all i could, i couldn't help. this is the place of my worst fear, and also the only place i can face it, overcome it, and/or vanquish it. i guess its just where i should be... even if it takes me quite a while to get there.

so thats the only bad part about being here really... just that i can't do more to help.