here... try again.

whats weirder than cycling life?
realizing you've been cycled out.

what makes that worse?
not really having any idea why.

this has been another occurance that recurs actually quite often with me... which leads me to believe i'm doing something wrong. or maybe i make wrong friend choices... or oh, who knows what i'm doing.

sometimes i just want to erase it all, erase everything. pick up and leave. start somewhere else new. where no one knows me, or my family, or anything about me. nothing. no expectations. i get set my own standard. i get to start new with friends, though i know this is hard. its like being handed life and god saying, here...try again.

thats what laney had to do in balty. She had a few connections to start off with... but she did well with the new life bit.

and back to balty she blew. my big sis left today. i know i'll miss her. i already do. its hard with her living so far away, sure, we get along for a greater percentage of the time. but i don't mind fighting with her. i get to make fun of it later. shes a great big sister. and i was able to sit back quite often this weekend and just be happy that i was raised the way i was, and i was able to be thankful that elaine and i are the only people that think elaine and i are funny most of the time, but DAMN are we fun(ny).

i dreamt about Jad last night. it was one of those really realistic dreams, as soon as i saw him i attacked him and got the best hug ever. i don't know what would make me dream of Jad right now, other than that is it "convention time of the year", and i haven't seen him for years. but i miss him. i miss a lot of things.

i'm listening to Elliot Smith. and you should be.