the key
so... you all know if you read this that there is one person in this world that can actually make me cry, hands down, never fails, my mother. and i realized what it is.
i've lost a lot of friends this semester. i'll live i'm sure... i'm cycling ... but when the one person in the world that you know "loves you unconditionally" and will always "be there to support you" looks at you with dead seriousness and tells you that you're straight up ugly, you're a failure, you're a vulger monster, you're dumb (you choose the adjective--the one thing that you're most self conscious about-- and that you just don't want to face the truth. okay, the first few times you hear this... blow it off... people say things they don't mean when they're angry. but when it becomes a statement of good times and bad times, of anger and calm, of everyday... thats when it gets to you, at least, that's when it gets to me. my mother holds the key to this because as a mother her figure is to love me unconditionally when nobody else will or is around to.
elaine's gone.
that abandoned feeling... is getting worse and worse with this headache.
but as the abandoned feeling grows, i just want to be more reclusive. as much as i want to stay at my parents house for example, i'm in love with this house, the pool, my bedsheets, the tile, everything... its not working. a transition shouldn't take the entire 3 damn months of vacation. i know i'm psychotic. but as a psychologist, maybe rather than my mother pushing me to the point where i'll do something drastic, my mother could understand and back off when she needs to. no. she goes in harder. prods. and they don't want us to get along. some people are like that. and i think we'll get along better if we miss each other, if i'm not living here. if i move back to norman, it seems like a stupid decision when i have it so good here, but all i get is bitched at for driving to norman for school/work (at least with work i was getting paid!) i get bitched at for the 1 errand i didn't get to in a week rather than the 20 million that i completed. i'm just not built like elaine. i can't deal with this. who knows i haven't decided anything yet.
i've lost a lot of friends this semester. i'll live i'm sure... i'm cycling ... but when the one person in the world that you know "loves you unconditionally" and will always "be there to support you" looks at you with dead seriousness and tells you that you're straight up ugly, you're a failure, you're a vulger monster, you're dumb (you choose the adjective--the one thing that you're most self conscious about-- and that you just don't want to face the truth. okay, the first few times you hear this... blow it off... people say things they don't mean when they're angry. but when it becomes a statement of good times and bad times, of anger and calm, of everyday... thats when it gets to you, at least, that's when it gets to me. my mother holds the key to this because as a mother her figure is to love me unconditionally when nobody else will or is around to.
elaine's gone.
that abandoned feeling... is getting worse and worse with this headache.
but as the abandoned feeling grows, i just want to be more reclusive. as much as i want to stay at my parents house for example, i'm in love with this house, the pool, my bedsheets, the tile, everything... its not working. a transition shouldn't take the entire 3 damn months of vacation. i know i'm psychotic. but as a psychologist, maybe rather than my mother pushing me to the point where i'll do something drastic, my mother could understand and back off when she needs to. no. she goes in harder. prods. and they don't want us to get along. some people are like that. and i think we'll get along better if we miss each other, if i'm not living here. if i move back to norman, it seems like a stupid decision when i have it so good here, but all i get is bitched at for driving to norman for school/work (at least with work i was getting paid!) i get bitched at for the 1 errand i didn't get to in a week rather than the 20 million that i completed. i'm just not built like elaine. i can't deal with this. who knows i haven't decided anything yet.
posted by bitterhoney at 1:04 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home