my head hurts
what do you do when you realize you're psychotic... but you refuse to go to a psychologist because your mother is one and the "soothing" voice and questions just trigger the frustration and psychosis...
i wouldn't want to put anyone through living with me. what if i'm crazy at my children or husband... who the hell knows what i'll do... i don't want to be that mother or wife... I DON'T WANT TO BE THAT PERSON... not even now... what do i do???
its funny... it's like i'm on the outside... i know exactly whats going on, and what should be happening... but i can't do anything about it. its actually kind of scary... i'm crazy. insane. and completely serious.
i wouldn't want to put anyone through living with me. what if i'm crazy at my children or husband... who the hell knows what i'll do... i don't want to be that mother or wife... I DON'T WANT TO BE THAT PERSON... not even now... what do i do???
its funny... it's like i'm on the outside... i know exactly whats going on, and what should be happening... but i can't do anything about it. its actually kind of scary... i'm crazy. insane. and completely serious.
posted by bitterhoney at 12:24 AM
2 Comments:
Ha ha... i know exactly how you feel. The real killer, though, is knowing that you should probably go see a therapist while at the same time also realizing that they wouldn't tell you anything you don't already know, or that you'd end up spending the time helping them deal with how twisted you are. Right now I'm reading the new book "The Sociopath Next Door" by Martha Stout. As she works herself into hysterics over how dangerous sociopaths are, I can't help but laugh because in some ways her descriptions of sociopathic attitudes fit my own exactly. Here's a good quote from the introduction.
"The argument can easily be made that "sociopathy" and "antisocial personality disorder" and "psychopathy" are misnomers, reflecting an unstable mix of ideas, and that the absence of conscience does not really make sense as a psychiatric category in the first place. In this regard, it is crucial to note that all of the other psychiatric diagnoses (including narcissism) involve some amount of personal distress or misery for the individuals who suffer from them. Sociopathy stands alone as a "disease" that causes no dis-ease for the person who has it, no subjective discomfort. Sociopaths are often quite satisfied with themselves and with their lives, and perhaps for this very reason there is no effective "treatment." Typically, sociopaths enter therapy only when they have been court-referred, or when there is some secondary gain to be had from being a patient. Wanting to get better is seldom the true issue. All of this begs the question of whether the absence of conscience is a psychiatric disorder or a legal designation- or something else altogether." (pg 12-13)
I don't know if her talk of sociopaths applies to your or my situations, but her book is insightful for those of us whose world exists outside the comfort-zone of our peers.
My next post was going to be on this very subject so I hope you don't mind if I just lift your post and my response wholesale. Also, al-kitab will be the book for Arabic in the fall, right now I'm in colloquial Egyptian Arabic, an intensive summer all conversation and no reading or writing course. I'm doing an Arabic minor also so cheers.
No, actually, the real killer is that if you do end up going to a therapist, he/she is probably not going to look up off the notepad. Give you the random "A-ha"s and "Mhmm"s, prescribe you pills that will put you in an emotionally-vegetative state, pat you on the back, collect your few hundred dollars, and give you a swift kick in the ass as you exit the room.
Now im not saying your mom does that, cause there are good therapists out there that actually listen to peoples problems and try to identify and reason them, try to better the person without the pseudo cure of pills. But then again, youre not going to your moms for therapy cause thats just fuckin weird.
Personally, i dont think you need therapy, i think youre still young and you just dont really understand whats ahead of you, or rather, whats within you (you might know whats inside you, and what you need to do to change the negative things about you, but the process to doing that is where youre lost). And at times you find yourself unable to identify or relate with those around you, making you feel like somethings innately wrong with you. I beg to differ, we've hung out plenty for me to know that you dont need therapy, and you sure as hell are not psychotic. A tad bit crazy, but not psychotic. Nothing wrong with being a little crazy. Adds flare. A transvestite without make-up, is just a man. A person without that little edge of craziness, is just too fucking normal.
And plus, i think that when you do get married and especially when you have children, it opens your heart and mind in a new perspective. Your maternal instincts kick in, and triggers you to put your children before yourself.
Eh - what do i know...
Just dont trouble yourself over it.
Your friend, your brother, your homie, your ace, whatever you will,
Elie
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