out in left field

this is one of those serious blogs... that isn't a rant about anything political... or anything unusual... this one is about me... and i'm disabling comments on it because i tire of the you oughta's and the pep talks... not that i get a lot of comments, but i know people read this, and i want to not give you the opportunity.

I don't believe in the word bored. i just don't. I think it's a conversation filler, and i think people without any creativity or knowledge use it because they can't think of anything to do, but there is always something to do, because there is always something to learn, even if you're just sitting there thinking or people-watching, whatever. there's something to do. recently, the dirty word crossed my mind... i thought i was bored, but i realized what i said, and found plenty to occupy myself with. i realized that i'm not bored at all, but i wasn't satisfied. i'm lonely.

i've forgotten how to make friends. Its not that making friends is really all that hard for me, but i'm not looking for superficial laugh and fun friends, those are necessary, don't get me wrong, but they aren't what i need right now. I've noticed that i'm never really in my element. I place myself in environments and adapt to them, and may seem perfectly happy, but deep down, they never were my element. I've had very few friends that i can just sit and talk to for hours on end and never be at a loss for topic. politics, social issues, random stuff, music, serious discussion, whatever, i could talk and loose track of all time and just be completely enveloped in the moment. I've been looking for people like that for a long time. and they aren't easy to find. people that will not necessarily argue with but will challenge everything i say. people that i'm totally comfortable doing nothing with. i don't know where to find these people, or how to befriend them, and i'm obviously doing a bad job if i haven't found one in so long or held on to any... but i'm lonely for it.

and i've heard it all.... blah blah... you have to get out there on your own... yes it's hard to make friends... yada yada. i'm in college. this is where you are supposed to make your friends. this is supposed to be some sort of mecca for intellect (yeah right)

so. no, for all of you curious, nothing is the matter with me. I'm just lonely. I'll be fine. and i am fine. i'm working on it.