strong cobwebs

maybe i'm not who i want to be... i'm working on that... maybe i'm doing something wrong... i'm trying to figure that out... maybe i've been overestimated, overdramatic, overemotional... i know my life isn't terrible by any standards... i have a family that loves me, i don't need anything, i'm getting the education i wanted, i'm lucky.

but anyone that knows me knows the amount of my life that revolves around friends. and it sorta feels like my little network that used to be overly strong is now like a shabby little cobweb. i mean, of course i have mizi, and i love her to death, but i feel like i rely too much on her... i can't do that... we all know i'm a recluse at heart, and if you don't know that, now you do. what i need that friend network for is not to make myself comfortable, i'm comfortable no matter what i do. but i need it in order to not become a recluse. and i know people will always leave. but i think i'm chasing them away. and i miss so many people that i've either chased away or have left or had to move away and graduate that it makes me want to just go into stay in my room state. its not that i'm not comfortable with me, but i think i'm beginning to understand that i don't know myself in relation to other people. i don't understan how i come off, or how they react. i think i'm going about this all wrong, but i feel like i don't have the energy to start over... i'd rather work with what i've got left and just try to preserve it the best i can. no point in recovery or futile attempts at time-travel.