Irony and Wine

EuroTrip 2011 Not-So-Kick-Off

2011-06-10T17:18:00.002-05:00

well, 30 to 30 has sorta kicked off... for those of you who don't know that's 30 days of celebration until Elaine is 30 years old. I arrived in Baltimore on Tuesday with no luggage and departed Thursday after a 3 hour wait in the airplane for the whole 18 minute flight to Philadelphia. Once in Philadelphia i was panicking, because we arrived at... 9:49... and my flight to London departed at...9:50... no worried. i didn't miss it. it was cancelled due to airline maintenance. so after standing in one customer service line for about 20 minutes i got sent to a terminal on the other side of the airport. So me and my new on-her-way-back-to-dublin counterpart began making our way to terminal A. while walking through the airport she turns to me and says:

you know this never happens to James Bond. AND no matter what country he goes to they speak english...

so of course i busted out laughing across the terminal and we bonded... which was important becase we were about to spend the next 3 hours in the next service line together. we all bonded, the two girls visiting dublin before their seminar in france started, the woman going to meet her husband on an 8 day tour of ireland, the james bond dublin grandma who i loved, the man from manchester behind us... there was cookie sharing, spot holding for drink and potty breaks, we were a family. after hours of waiting and hoping and hopping and hunger...it was my turn and miraculously the lady didn't care at all... she hadn't even been around dealing with the 200+ other grumpy customers! the earliest flight that could get me into heathrow would get me in at 10 am saturday, 24 hours exactly after i was supposed to be there. mind you all... i only had about 72 hours in London to being with! that didn't get me down thought... but aside from not being too helpful with a flight... my lovely helpful agent let me know that oh there weren't any comp hotels left so i could just sit and wait for 24 hours until my next flight at 9:50 p.m. I let her know that that wouldn't be happening if there wasn't a 24 hour bar across from her podium and proceeded to find my own hotel room. I didn't find one. adam did though! he sent it to me and off i was. I have a great entourage of helpful people that care in oklahoma - my mom was researching flights and adam found me a GREAT hotel room for the price US airways even wanted to pay! aside from the unkind agent, i was in good spirits. I had no reason not to be, i mean, sure i was missing a third of my london trip but the guy behind me was missing his chance to see his best friend get married in liverpool - i was missing a hair cut... and i couldn't let that get me down. thats rude and this was an adventure! after pacing around for a while longer, i made it to the cabs and got to my hotel that i prayed was decent. it rocked. it was just a motel but it was one of two of the cleanest comfiest motel hotels i've ever been in. i snuggled up in my king size bed with 6 pillows and slept far longer than i should have. waking up i decided it was time to discover how sunny philadelphia really is... it was overcast. BUT THAT didn't matter! it was such a cute place! I got all around by train and walking around and when i was finally overwhelmed by guilt for how stinky i was going to be for my overseas flight neighbor and i couldn't walk with my bag anymore... i decided it was finally time to get back to the airport. so... london... here i come (i hope)

one last thing:

dear U.S. Airways. I wont fly with you again... except for that free ticket i'm going to make sure you give me to compensate me for missing my first time in london and a champagne tour around the city. jerks. oh, and you're paying for my taxi, room, and food for today too. because you were mean. i understand mishaps. but you were mean. and i don't like mean when i've been the chipper-est person in your line over a 4 hour wait.

love, mary.

hey gazette

2011-03-03T22:19:00.003-06:00

someone tell me why ward 2 wasn't highlighted in the gazette the way ALL 3 OTHER wards were. I had people coming into my precinct and leave looking for more information about the candidate because they realized they didn't know anything about the 6 candidates running. c'mon GAZETTE - we turn to you - why didn't you publish a wards information that is a huge part of okc? you're writing about it now because oh-ho look who's gone to a run-off.

which brings me to my next issue. i work in an active precinct - and we only had 13% of the precinct come out and vote. For a school election, ok. but this is the city council. This is the person speaking out for YOU and for what YOU want. so please. if you live in ward 2. on april 5, please go out and vote. (oh... and i don't mind saying my preference WOULD BE for Ed Shadid...but most importantly, please just get out and vote.) ;)

MLK in the Middle East today

2011-01-17T23:35:00.002-06:00

As I drink my evening ceylon tea, I decided to reflect on Martin Luther King Day.

A few different people within the pages i read and on facebook posted this today in honor of MLK day:

‎"I see Israel as one of the great outposts of democracy in the world, and a marvelous example of what can be done, how desert land can be transformed into an oasis of brotherhood and democracy. Peace for Israel means security and that security must be a reality." - Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Now, while you should know I respect MLK and find his death nothing but atrocious, I have serious problems with posting this as your honoring quote. here's why.

1) Israel isn't a "desert land" the only part of it that is a desert - the negev - is STILL a desert. Note, it is also noted as the Land of MILK AND HONEY. that didn't happen after 1948. but thats besides the point.

2) MLK died in 1968, 1 year after occupation of Palestine by Israel was complete. Palestine was misadvertised as a land without a people for a people without a land - oh but wait - there were people there!

3) MLK was anti-war, anti-hate, anti-discrimination. I don't think the security he meant entailed checkpoints to get anywhere and depriving villages and children of food because they've been called a threat. I don't think his security meant bulldozing homes to plant trees, taking away people's homes and livelihood and then calling them terrorists for fighting for equality. I don't think his security included one of the most brutal, cruel, and evil torture agenda's in the world. I just don't think that was what he meant - and if he did... how can I believe in his dream at all?

I wonder how he would have felt if he saw the segregation in Israel today. Israel is a very real representation of what Martin Luther King, Jr. was against in the south. No, arab's aren't enslaved, but they are imprisoned in their own country as secondary and tertiary citizens - restricted in their movement and in their way of life. I wonder what MLK would say if he saw the 42 years that have passed since his death and if he would still call Israel an "oasis of brotherhood and democracy". Or maybe we should base it more on the more famous lines Dr. King is known for:

"I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal."

I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character"

According to these, I highly doubt Martin Luther King, Jr. is sitting in those clouds above us looking down and smiling at Israel. I doubt he's proud of their "security" and thinking they're an oasis of democracy and brotherhood. Rather, he's probably crying. hopefully he is anyways because I have a dream too - and its similar to what we all recognize MLK to represent. Its about equality and peace and love and milk and honey.

Oklahoma State Questions: A More Complete Rant

2010-11-03T13:04:00.003-05:00

STATE QUESTION NO. 744 INITIATIVE PETITION NO. 391
The measure repeals a Section of the State Constitution. The repealed section required the Legislature annually to spend $42.00 for each common school student. Common schools offer pre-kindergarten through twelfth grade.
The measure also adds a new Article to the Constitution. It sets a minimum average amount the State must annually spend on common schools. It requires the State to spend annually, no less than the average amount spent on each student by the surrounding states. Those surrounding states are Missouri, Texas, Kansas, Arkansas, Colorado and New Mexico. When the average amount spent by surrounding states declines, Oklahoma must spend the amount it spent the year before.
The measure deals with money spent on day-to-day operations of the schools and school districts. This includes spending on instructions, support services and non-instruction services. The measure does not deal with money spent to pay debt, on buildings or on other capital needs.
The measure requires that increased spending begin in the first fiscal year after its passage. It requires that the surrounding state average be met in the third fiscal year after passage.
The measure does not raise taxes, nor does it provide new funding for the new spending requirements.
WAS THE PROPOSAL APPROVED? NO
I know that for this one they have to take money from somewhere to put it into schools, but in my opinion, thats where we need it most - kids need educational opportunities and Oklahoma is a low ranking state with regards to education. With this proposal they can't decrease the amount spent on children, only be higher or at average with the states around us. So I pretty strongly agreed with the proposal. The main argument I heard with regards to this question was “where are they gonna get the money from”… well… if we have an extra 5% surplus revenue that we’re putting into a ‘lock-box’ or ‘rainy day fund’ to be used for an unknown source then I think we could put that 5% into education instead. Hey—here’s another idea, limit the number of emergency room visits for people on Medicaid, and if you have multiple ER visits that are absolutely necessary, well then, instate an approval process. Oh wait. Oklahoma hates improving the state of healthcare.

STATE QUESTION NO. 746 LEGISLATIVE REFERENDUM NO. 347
This measure amends statutes relating to voting requirements. It requires that each person appearing to vote present a document proving their identity. The document must meet the following requirements. It must have the name and photograph of the voter. It must have been issued by the federal, state or tribal government.
It must have an expiration date that is after the date of the election. No expiration date would be required on certain identity cards issued to persons 65 years of age or older.
In lieu of such a document, voters could present voter identification cards issued by the County Election Board.
A person who cannot or does not present the required identification may sign a sworn statement and cast a provisional ballot. Swearing to a false statement would be a felony.
These proof of identity requirements also apply to in-person absentee voting. If adopted by the people, the measure would become effective July 1, 2011.
WAS THE PROPOSAL APPROVED? YES
This proposal would make it such that if, say, you went to go vote for an election and you happen to not renew your driver's license, and you just can’t find your voters card, you couldn't vote. ‘Wait, yes you can! You can vote PROVISIONALLY!” Well, I’m glad you brought that up, do any of you know how the full provisional voting process works? Lets just say, they rarely count, and if they do, its in a recount. Also… lets just think about this, the average age of people working for the election board is like… great-grandparent right? I am probably the youngest precinct worker in Oklahoma. They all LOVE working with me because I keep things moving. I can read quickly, hear well, move fast and I get things done. Now, lets fast-forward to the next election where the little old lady in the Judge Roll (The one that checks names) now has to ask you for your name 3 times, then scrutinize the book looking for your name, and now we’re going to strain her poor little eyes farther and make her check IDs. Lines should be shorter than ever, wouldn’t you say! That IS the part that takes the longest in the process and that IS the reason lines are so long. I know because I always work Judge and as a result whichever precinct I’m at has pretty much no lines all day long.

STATE QUESTION NO. 751 LEGISLATIVE REFERENDUM NO. 351
This measure amends the State Constitution. It adds a new Article to the Constitution. That Article deals with the State’s official actions. It dictates the language to be used in taking official State action. It requires that official State actions be in English. Native American languages could also be used. When Federal law requires, other languages could also be used.
These language requirements apply to the State’s “official actions.” The term “official actions” is not defined. The Legislature could pass laws determining the application of the language requirements. The Legislature would also pass laws implementing and enforcing the language requirements.
No lawsuit based on State law could be brought on the basis of a State agency’s failure to use a language other than English. Nor could such a lawsuit be brought against political subdivisions of the State.
WAS THE PROPOSAL APPROVED? YES
No language other than English? But the rest of the world allllll has to know English as well as their language... Official Actions is not even defined, so a foreigner that doesn't speak English very well wouldn't get a fair shake? I mean, hello Holy Roman Empire… I hope anyone that voted on this leaves the country and gets arrested but never gets to understand why because they refuse to use English to tell you.

STATE QUESTION NO. 754 LEGISLATIVE REFERENDUM NO. 354
This measure adds a new section to the Oklahoma Constitution. It adds Section 55A to Article 5. The Legislature designates amounts of money to be used for certain functions. These designations are called appropriations. The measure deals with the appropriation process.
The measure limits how the Constitution could control that process. Under the measure the Constitution could not require the Legislature to fund state functions based on:
1. Predetermined constitutional formulas,
2. How much other states spend on a function,
3. How much any entity spends on a function.
Under the measure these limits on the Constitution’s power to control appropriations would apply even if: 1. A later constitutional amendment changed the Constitution, or
2. A constitutional amendment to the contrary was passed at the same time as this measure.
Thus, under the measure, once adopted, the measure could not be effectively amended. Nor could it be repealed.
WAS THE PROPOSAL APPROVED? YES
I’m going to ignore the fact that this was created in case 744 passed so that it could counter it… instead I’m only going to focus on one line. “Thus, under the measure, once adopted, the measure could not be effectively amended. Nor could it be repealed. "No take backs" shouldn't be allowed in politics. That isn’t democracy, that’s the beginning of dictatorship.

STATE QUESTION NO. 755 LEGISLATIVE REFERENDUM NO. 355
This measure amends the State Constitution. It changes a section that deals with the courts of this state. It would amend Article 7, Section 1. It makes courts rely on federal and state law when deciding cases. It forbids courts from considering or using international law. It forbids courts from considering or using Sharia Law.
International law is also known as the law of nations. It deals with the conduct of international organizations and independent nations, such as countries, states and tribes. It deals with their relationship with each other. It also deals with some of their relationships with persons.
The law of nations is formed by the general assent of civilized nations. Sources of international law also include international agreements, as well as treaties.
Sharia Law is Islamic law. It is based on two principal sources, the Koran and the teaching of Mohammed.
WAS THE PROPOSAL BE APPROVED? YES
no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no. If i were in another country I would sure hope they would at least consider International law.... its INTERNATIONAL LAW for a reason--its the basics of human decency--but not in oklahoma?? I would like to point out that the important part of this question is “forbids courts from considering or using international law” the “sharia law” part and the further qualifier of “the Koran and teachings of Mohammed” is really just put in there to rile people up to vote on this one. This has nothing to do with “muslim law” as I’ve heard so many people refer to it as. We aren’t making America the United States of Islam, we aren’t putting Muslims above the law whereas federal law doesn’t apply to them, we’re merely taking into consideration international laws when they apply to a specific situation—and that’s fair.

STATE QUESTION NO. 756 LEGISLATIVE REFERENDUM NO. 356
This measure adds a new section of law to the State Constitution. It adds Section 37 to Article 2. It defines “health care system.” It prohibits making a person participate in a health care system. It prohibits making an employer participate in a health care system. It prohibits making a health care provider provide treatment in a health care system. It allows persons and employees to pay for treatment directly. It allows a health care provider to accept payment for treatment directly. It allows the purchase of health care insurance in private health care systems. It allows the sale of health insurance in private health care systems.
The measure’s effect is limited. It would not affect any law or rule in effect as of January 1, 2010.
Nor could the measure affect or negate all federal laws or rules. The United States Constitution has a Supremacy Clause. That clause makes federal law the supreme law of the land. Under that clause Congress
has the power to preempt state law. When Congress intends to preempt state law, federal law controls. When Congress intends it, constitutionally enacted federal law would preempt some or all of the proposed measure.
WAS THE PROPOSAL APPROVED? YES
As a person involved in healthcare I think everyone definitely needs to be required to have insurance. Otherwise you get the people that say "i'll pay if something ever happens to me" and then when something happens, they can't pay and it has to be taken out of special government or private organization grants--which is nice if you are between jobs and don't have insurance and its a freak occurrence but there are too many people that take advantage of this. The things that they are proposing sound sneaky because private healthcare would be offered on top of public healthcare under the national health plan anyhow. And why do we think we need to secede from the union? Why do we think if the rest of the nation gets a public healthcare plan we should “opt out” at all… what then is the point of the federal government if we’re just going to opt out of every thing we don’t like? I’m gonna opt out of the giving your license on voting day question… because I don’t like it. Beat that Oklahoma.

STATE QUESTION NO. 757 LEGISLATIVE REFERENDUM NO. 357
This measure amends the State Constitution. It amends Section 23 of Article 10. It increases the amount of surplus revenue which goes into a special fund. That fund is the Constitutional Reserve Fund. The amount would go from 10% to 15% of the funds certified as going to the General Revenue fund for the preceding fiscal year.
WAS THE PROPOSAL APPROVED? YES
where are they not going to put money in order to save it? what are they saving it for? i think putting that money into health, education, city improvement, etc, is more important than keeping it in some dumb lock box.

And then there is Mary Fallin. That is a section I don’t think I’ll be touching on this post. *shudder*

I have a feeling Obama’s job just got a helluva lot harder, and you know what, while it was slow, THE ECONOMY WAS PROGRESSING. In all of the depressions that the US has gone through, not one time have they gotten out of a deep depression in 18 months. I’m so upset with the stupidity and blindness of the vote during this past election that I’ve lost more faith than when G.W. was reelected. It feels utterly hopeless.

its in the title

2010-09-21T10:20:00.002-05:00

So while at the saturday performance of cabaret, a few people left after the opening scene...which upsets me. WHY, you may ask? because you're going to a play called Cabaret. If you weren't expecting to see that there may be some risqué material, then you're really pretty dumb. IT'S CALLED CABARET. I suggest to anyone who is easily offended or just superconservative and easily uncomfortable--just do research before you attend anything that has to do with the arts, because its not right to leave like that after the first song - cabaret is a piece that deals with so many different topics and dumbing it down just shows your own ignorance, not moral high ground.

Now, realize, i'm not suggesting you are ignorant if you can't tolerate Cabaret or things against your moral base, however, if there is a chance you will be offended and cannot tolerate that, then just do your research and know a gist of what you are going to see and--don't go. If you want to support the arts or someone in the company, you can still contribute to the theater company and your eyes will never be any the more bothered.

Dino the Sinclair Dinosaur

2010-08-22T18:43:00.003-05:00

Its interesting how we realize how much joy a little thing bring once its totally disrupted-like dino the sinclair gas station's dinosaur statue. I loved that dinosaur. i honestly filled gas there only a few times, but he made me happy to drive by--and apparently i'm not the only one as its been all over the news. We all see the dinosaur when we go down main street, and it never quite made sense to me why that would be their mascot, but that made the little green statue all the more appealing to me. He survives game days, drunk drivers, high schoolers walking right by him daily, tornado-esque winds, hail, and more... and some jerk decapitates him. He's endangered, jerk.

why would you ever want to cut off an adorable dinosaur's head? i mean... there are so many other things that could be defaced so easily, and make more of some sort of point, but you chose the sinclair dinosaur. Not that i'm for defacing property-not by any means, but if you do, at least have a banksy-esque point to prove and. I mean... decapitating dino is still quite a statement but the statement is more along the lines of "i hate people's happiness" its not like the dinosaur was BP's mascot and you were angry with the company--no--you're just a mean person that probably hates laughter, champagne, and puppies too--aside from adorable brontosaurus statues.

What to do when all the water is gone?

2010-06-18T15:12:00.005-05:00

http://unusuallife.com/wp-content/uploads2006/2008/03/abandoned-swimming-pool.jpg

With global warming and environmental conservation on the rise, I'm drawn to the most precious commodity earth has: water. People all over the world suffer from a lack of sanitary water to drink and bathe in, and water treatment plants-even if they COULD provide all the water needed-are expensive to maintain. So my focus turns to the reality of the matter: we can't go on forever the way we live now, and I thought I might share with you a few suggestions of what to do with your pool when water becomes so scarce, we can no longer afford to enjoy our favorite summer activity of lounging in a cool private backyard pool.

1. Turn it into art. paint the whole thing and make it backyard art...or make one of those really cool 3d paintings in it to give the illusion that the pool isn't there... but make sure you warn your guests before they try to walk on it.

2. Become a sponsor of skateboarders with nowhere to go. What better use?? but make sure your first aid kit is handy

3. Make it into an obstacle course-bridges, ropes, climbing walls... the whole bit--fun for the whole family!

4. Turn it into your compost pile holder. This, however, isn't incredibly efficient because it would be hard to turn in order to avoid the stinky smell, but if you are going to throw trash in the pool, it might as well be compost trash that you can use to beautify the rest of your yard.

5. Turn it into the actual garden instead of just the compost. (This means you can't throw your trash in the pool). It will already be different levels without you having to change anything at all!

6. Fill the empty pool with sand and make a volleyball court. (Your ball wont get away as often this way, will it?)

7. Cover the top of the pool and turn it into a disaster/storm/nuclear war shelter. (You never can be too prepared.)

Yes, you may now rest easy with the burning question of whatever will you do with your empty swimming pool off your mind.

all the king's horses and all the king's men...

2010-06-06T12:46:00.002-05:00

yes. i still love shattered glass and i suppose there is a following of those of us who do. I can't understand, however, the masochism our brains not only allow us to put ourselves through but actually make it more intense and worse.

Once we have scrutinized over every detail and possibility (and being a gemini, lord knows it takes me a long time to make a decision anyways) and we have allowed our throat to be the battle ground between head and heart, once all that is over and we've made our decision...why is it so hard to stick by? so hard not to run back. Even with appreciation of shattered glass, one can realize that enough of those shards in you--and you will die--you have to be careful, so why would anyone want to go back?

While every manipulation, every fight, every tear hurt immensely. Somehow our masochistic tendencies allow us to relive the good memories--which hurts a lot more than the tears ever did. Maybe being addicted to the pain is our way of knowing we're still alive and we still can feel. Maybe we've convinced ourselves that the intensity of the pain is the reciprocal of the scale letting us know that the worse the pain, the stronger the love? Maybe we're too afraid of becoming numb and not being able to give the fullness of the emotions we once had to another person. none of that seems to make any sense when stated out loud. I'm just trying to make sense of a myriad of colors that i don't understand.

revisitation

2010-06-06T00:17:00.003-05:00

every now and again i go through old posts and read about...what life was 2-3-4-5-6 years ago... its amusing. i decided i'd redo a survey i did on December 11, 2005.

27 different sorta questions
These are supposedly "27 Questions No One Would Ever Think To Ask" Answer them, then repost the bulletin.

1. When you look at yourself in the mirror, what's the first thing you think?
i need to fix my makeup and hair

2. How much cash do you have on you??
none at all, i'm in bed. In my wallet though... i have 27 dollars and some change.

3. What's a word that rhymes with "TEST"?
quest

4. Favorite planet?
pluto because it isnt one anymore, but it my head it always will be-i can't imagine my solar system without it.

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone??
laura ann

6. What is your main ring tone on your phone??
its the "whistle song" featured in Kill Bill

7. What shirt are you wearing?
my black tank top with a red peace sign and a dove on it.

8. Do you "label" yourself?
yes. with a warning sign.

9. Name the brand of your shoes you're currently wearing?
i'm barefoot.

10. Bright or Dark Room??
dark. light gives me headaches--dark is always calm and inviting.

11. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you?
it was me... she's aight.

13. What were you doing at midnight last night??
toasting life with a delicious glass of champagne

14. What did your last text message you received on your cell say??
Hey its Lindsey Callaway. this is my new number.

16. What's a saying that you say a lot?
"shut the front door"

17. Who told you they loved you last?
my mama

18. Last furry thing you touched?
ivy lynn grace

19. How many drugs have you done in the past three days?
ibuprofen? does alcohol count?

20. How many rolls of film do you need to get developed?
6 or so

21. Favorite age you have been so far?
25... oh wait. that is now.

22. Your worst enemy?
hormones

23. What is your current desktop picture?
its a picture of ivy being pretty

24. What was the last thing you said to someone?
its 200 degrees celsius in this house.

25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to change a major regret?
i'll take the money... you learn from your regrets.

26. Do you like someone?
i like you.

27. The last song you listened to?
girl talk - here's the thing

... its totally stuck in my head.

cupcake vs. sheetcake

2010-05-19T16:21:00.002-05:00

The sheetcake vision of a girl group: not whole without every member, should a member of the group stray, the cake no longer makes sense and that piece of cake, while delicious, has ruined the beauty of the cake.

The cupcake vision of a girl group: a cupcake makes perfect sense on its own and perfect sense together. When put with other cupcakes, a really fun picture can form, and should one cupcake be removed, the other cupcakes can be rearranged to still be a fun picture and makes sense no matter if one of the cupcakes strays or gets eaten or whatever. Each part makes sense as an individual delectable treat or as a whole cake.

When confronted with the idea of... "the only time a sheetcake personality is okay is when you're in a relationship", i answer, even in a relationship, girls, you can still be a cupcake cake, you don't have to be a sheetcake--because perhaps the other girls in your group are cupcakes, and you don't want to have your sheetcake ruined just because they may stray. you're delicious and beautiful with or without the group...the group just makes it more fun and prettier! Its a complement, not a necessity.

my own sock monster

2010-04-29T10:24:00.002-05:00

Ivy, the cracken, has attacked my socks in such a way that i no longer make any attempt to try to find "matching socks", but rather, i just pick two socks that are approximately the same length. On this particular morning, i was excited because i picked two socks that were not only the same length, but they were actually the same sock (only in different colors). and as i tried to put the second sock on my foot, i realized there was something kinda funny about that sock... OH... it was a puppet. i had turned my sock into a puppet. i have become my own sock monster. between me and miss ivy... no sock is safe, and my feet will always be cold.

30 things i love

2010-02-28T14:32:00.000-06:00

1. Art and statues of the human form in the fetal position
2. Depressing music
3. Books without words
4. Waking up with the sun in your face in total peace
5. Ivy laying on my feet while I do dishes
6. Stumbling upon a jazz singer singing her heart out
7. The smell of burning wood
8. Catching a fish
9. Cutting onions until you cry
10. Boots
11. Long bubble baths
12. Sharing a bottle of champagne to begin a night
13. Trying hole-in-the-wall restaurants
14. The adrenaline rush that comes with studying all night or being put on an impossible project/work day
15. Random emails that say nothing at all
16. Cooking when I’m stressed out
17. Learning to read other languages when I cant understand what I’m reading
18. The sound watches make when you wind them
19. Lighting matches
20. Face masques that you peel off
21. Rearranging furniture
22. Driving fast and dancing with other cars on the highway, especially on longer trips
23. Surprises
24. Lightly rainy days in the middle of the summer
25. Any kind of word-game
26. Letting other people choose dinner courses at restaurants
27. Listening to languages I don’t understand
28. Watching the smoke patterns that come from incense as it burns down
29. Perching myself on brick walls or couch arms or anything like
30. The way my feet tingle when I get in the shower because they’re always so cold and the water is so warm

aubrie on her wedding night

2010-02-27T20:40:00.002-06:00

there is another wedding shower tradition i learned that i couldn't give my complete attention to but i did the most i could with frantic writing between making aubrie's bow bouquet. I figured she would be eternally embarrassed if i brought it out there too so i decided to save it for you and forward it to anyone that might appreciate it.

so... the responses the bride gives while opening her gifts MAY JUST be a preview to what she'll say on your wedding night. and here's what we have:

Hey! You’re trying to trick me!

those are cool!

I know I’m going to unroll one and they’re just going to fall on the ground.

Hang on-I can’t leave the bow on-I’ll get in trouble.

That’s one thing I KNOW I can use.

Oh…a comedy of errors.

a full set! which is good because i constantly drop them.

AWESOMMMMEEE.

People don’t like pink chicken?

Awww……

*awkward giggling*

Is it a puppy?

Its really pretty too!

Gotta lift with my legs not my back!

And artfully wrapped!

Ten times before I get to keep it!

You’re wearing me out here…

Its so perfect for me!

It’s the gift that keeps on giving!

I didn’t know that was hiding back there!

So luxurious!

Spice rack!

I was NOT expecting THAT!

congratulations aubrie, i hope you found that amusing.

is real food the road to happiness?

2010-02-18T11:06:00.003-06:00

i'd forgotten my roots. growing up as "atif's daughter" eating in the best restaurants and trying exotic and different dishes--appreciating food in quantity (of love and portion) from my teita and in quality of delicate tastes from my dad's art. i'd let all that go, and i realized this when someone asked... whats really good food to get around here. and i didn't know any more. most of what came to mind were chains...and while decent--they weren't that fantastic.

most people, when they think of eating your way out of sadness think of a table filled with cheetos, doritos, gallons of ice cream and fudge, cookies, take-out, mcdonalds, and anything else processed and unknown to your biology as something that should be taken in. the truth is, if you want to eat your way through sadness... you have to find the real foods. foods that bring life out. that smell of chili and chocolate in "woman on top" that would drift through the streets. unadulterated, raw flavor, and beautiful.

elaine and i ate at a place called noodles in vegas--while no one expects much from a place called noodles... this was the one place where i ordered pork off the waitresses recommendation (where even elaine turned to me right after and reminded me "you don't like pork--you SURE?") and my eyes glittered when i had my first bite. and elaine turned into a 7 year old when she tasted the chicken in her noodle soup that tasted JUST like my mother's chicken did when she would pick it off and elaine and i would sit like birds waiting for her to give us little hot pieces. not pieces of meat covered in fat, or so much sauce you can't taste the flavor of the meat.

so i'm back on a mission, to find all those places that may not look like much (or they might look fantastic from the outside) that truly take pride in each dish they create - and love food. i want to eat at places where the chef LIKES going to work every day to create what he can. let me know of any places i need to be visiting... and if you'd like to come along... JUST TELL ME! but beware...unless the circumstances are dire and the food is too perfect to give up. i wont eat after dark. i find that even the dishes that are worse for you aren't as bad if you eat them earlier rather than later. so splurge a bit and make yourself happy!

Russia II

2009-12-14T23:50:00.002-06:00

this place is a magical city of irony for me...

my favorite things that happened today:

Tchaikovsky just started randomly playing from somewhere (very v for vendetta like) while i was admiring pushkin's statue/monument... it really just happened like that

kate and i walked about an hour in the snow to go eat gelati. ironic misunderstanding if i've ever heard one

kate literally turned to me and said "the man on my left. the light has taken so long already that he's finishing his potato."

upon completion of telling kate that i forgot my toothbrush in germany or somewhere along the way and used my finger on monday morning to brush my teeth... as i passed a pole i noticed... there was a toothbrush stuck to the rim of it. a random vision has never gone better for one of my stories

Russia I

2009-12-13T12:44:00.002-06:00

i've never traveled during christmas time before... its so lit up and pretty... i'm thinking i definitely want to move to Europe when or before america's economy fall completely. but it probably wont be Russia--it'll probably be Geneva but that is because of the World Health Organization and nothing against Russia. although i have only been here a few hours, I can tell you from now this will not be my last trip here... its really a beautiful city.

the airport in STPb reminded me of ben gurion a bit--before they made ben gurion all fancy anyways. I don't mind the cold at all--somehow i apparently brought it with me as today is apparently the first day its been very cold.

I guess i don't have too much to say considering its only been about 5 hours, but i will say this... there was a person dressed in a bear suit on the street and its the first time i could ever say... that person is lucky to be dressed as a bear... he's probably the only person that is just the right temperature... i'm surprised you don't see many more people just walking around in animal costumes.

grrr...tiger

2009-12-03T09:05:00.002-06:00

you know what... tiger woods has been in the spotlight since before he was 20... in 1995. thats 14 years ago. even from that early age, we didn't see him out partying and getting crazy with britney... He's been Mr. Perfect: perfect ex-model wife, perfect kids, perfect swing, perfect smile and perfect reputation. We've all been sitting and waiting for him to slip...and he does and the world goes CRAZY. I'm not condoning cheating in any way, shape, or form... all i'm saying is you don't know what he has and hasn't done and you really don't have anything to do with his business. Would you want a major mistake of yours all over the newspapers and every computer across america with people not just knowing but EATING IT UP?? its just not right. let the guy deal with his business on his own. he was bound to make mistakes--don't eat it up. its mean. just leave the guy to deal with his own business and if you're interested in what he's up to--focus on his golf score.

survival and a book suggestion

2009-10-18T19:08:00.003-05:00

I try to stay away from fiction for the most part because i get sucked into it and i try to read as much to learn as well for entertainment and above that I really try to read my textbooks because i'm supposed to do that.
i am not by any means saying you can't learn from fiction--you definitely can--i meant i try to stay away from purely entertainment fiction.
ANYWAYS. I recommend you read Footprints of God by Greg Iles. while fiction, there is definitely something to be learned here. I had a hard time picking it up (because of school-guilt) but as soon as i did, i had a hard time putting it down and i finished it last night. its a philosophical quick read that will get your mind going. If you've read it, i'd love to hear what you thought, and if you haven't... read it and then tell me if you could wrap your mind around those concepts and then tell me what you thought.

On top of the artificial intelligence subject matter--the book (and watching cast away...) got me thinking on how incredibly connected our world is by technology and how reliant we really are on that technology. If some disaster were to befall our world, how many of us could really survive out in the middle of a forest or island. How many of us have what it takes, could do without the internet, supercenters and perfectly prepared food? how many of us can make a fire out of soggy wood? tie knots strong enough to land a 50 pound fish, or anything else you might need a knot that strong for... how many of us can filter water or know what plants are poisonous and which are safe? these questions go on a while... even if (i.e. 2000 crisis) someone were to "stock up" on batteries, etc... how long would that really last, and how much better off would that person be once they were gone? how would you deal with injury? i have dedicated this last summer to learning some techniques that would be necessary in any situation--not on purpose at first, but i'm leaning more towards that now. I am sure that something big is going to change in our world soon, and unless i get killed instantly by some nuclear bomb... i plan on surviving. It might actually be peaceful and rewarding to go live out in the middle of nowhere and use my own skills to survive.

i'm not some crazy end-o-the-world nut... nor am i anti-modern-commodities... i am very close to my feather-bed AND my blackberry. i AM considering going on survival trips... short ones... where i can obviously get back to society... just to learn, test, and work on my skills. they're important to have. i don't ever want to be a helpless person nor do i want to be someone that gives up. I want to be someone that knows they can rely on themselves, and that others can rely on--in any situation.

self-help help letter

2009-08-19T11:32:00.003-05:00

my anxiety has been more than out of control lately, so i decided, as most of us neurotic people do, to go back to one of my favorite places for help. the self-help section at borders, picked up a book that is supposed to be one of the top 8 self-help books of all time and i started reading it...

the irony jumps in here... wait for it... the book has been making my anxiety WAY worse... just reading about anxiety has been tensing me up and giving me that knot in my stomach. does that even make any SENSE?

and the tests... KNOWING i'm like at the 99th percentile of abnormal above anxious people... really doesn't help with anything.

signed-
hoping this book becomes more helpful REALLY soon

when the hypothetical happens

2009-04-29T11:20:00.004-05:00

friday afternoon. i was preparing for 2 things. the first being trish's wedding, the rehearsal dinner of which was going on that evening and with me being in the bridal party i was going to feel bad not being able to make the dinner. anyhow, an escape to tulsa as fast as possible was in order. and the second thing was a presentation on a hypothetical avian flu epidemic in which it transfers into being sustained person-to-person transmission and about 100 people are initially exposed to it in tulsa, oklahoma. The presentation was for a class on public health preparedness and practices dealing mainly with threats of rapid infection spread or bioterrorism.

Prior to this class period i did NOT have much informtion on swine flu. During the middle of the class, my professor got called out of class due to necessity of being on a conference call dealing with the rising situation. considering his background, obviously this makes a lot of sense. He came back into the class and discussed the situation with us. The entire thing was terribly ironic considering the presentation project assignment that we were working on at the exact present time. our hypothetical situation seemed pretty ironic considering the exact event was going on now with swine flu. on friday the count was 2 confirmed cases in texas, 6 in california, and about 100 exposed people in mexico. We began to do research as a class effort and figure out what we could. only i couldn't stay around to see when i could find out because i had a wedding to get to. i tried to catch a CDC statement on NPR on the way to tulsa but all i could do at this point was to watch it unfold.

Sunday afternoon. I had not had internet access in a few days due to being away for a gorgeous wedding. (Congrats Trishy) As soon as i get back and begin my research I see the situation has escalated immensely. After being in the middle of it friday and studying in class exactly what COULD happen and then watching the first steps happening within just a few days, of course i began freaking out. I have seen where this situation can go, i've studied it continually and aside from that was taking a class BASED on this situation. (and watching toooooo many outbreak movies)

The point of this is that this flu is an immeadiate threat and should be taken seriously. the arguement of "the regular flu kills people every year" is null and void in my opinion. people survived the plague too... stupidity kills people too. the flu kills people by changing to a case of pneumonia and combining with other factors in one's body and environment. this flu does NOT have a vaccine and is resistant to two of the 4 antivirals we have. if it continues to evolve, it could be as bad as past epidemics where millions die or it could just scare the hell out of us all, which is what it should do. If borders start closing and supplies can't get in we'll be in an exponential amount of trouble. please understand the severity of how fast it is spreading. Understand that as soon as there is one case in a state, many are to follow. it IS that contagious but once a person contracts the virus he has no idea for at least a day and every person he has come into contact with in that day are now exposed.

A virus is an amazing thing. I'm dedicating a portion of my life to respecting and understanding them. They are defined as not living things, but they are able to adapt and change with their environments far better than we as humans are. In my opinion viruses are natures way of keeping populations in check--we've already far surpassed the population of the planet that we should have and this only will account for further spreading. please just be careful. don't take a threat like this lightly. Its already in many countries. I'll never understand how people will duct-tape windows for the year 2000 but will laugh at an infection spreading over the land.

so long tiko!

2009-04-13T16:49:00.002-05:00

there's a stepping stone... my OU email address is finally being deleted. i guess that means i have to fully move on to my big-girl email address and with that comes the impending other big-girl responsibilities. its been my internet identity for so long that not going to exchange.ou.edu is just going to be strange.... not sure how i'm going to handle this one...

but we all have to grow up

we all have to move on--past the dorm days and 3 am campus walks...
past that first weekend when we all moved in not knowing what to expect and not knowing what hit us when it did... but getting to start off with bags and bags of free things from manipulative vendors... (we got the last laugh)
past making all those new friends... losing all those new friends to other states and cliques... finding new friends again... finally finding our little niche.
we all have to move on past the idea that we'll never really have to be responsible for more than an all-nighter before a huge test... or a forever long lab... or some 20 page paper that we pulled out of thin air...
past that constant checking of an email to see if your teacher replied to your begging for mercy...
past coming up with clever IM's until stupid hours of the night with the cute boy you met in class...
past the wading in the south oval fountains, jumping out of car-trunks and scaring the new kids taking campus tours...
we all have to move on past that time when we're just beginning to grow up and are expected to realize the entirity of our future...

we all have to grow up past these things but we don't have to forget them... sorta strange that an email address has so much history linked with it...

RIP tiko@ou.edu

imposter

2009-02-14T14:44:00.004-06:00

social situations often put me into a position where i feel like a complete imposter. i find this interesting because while i know i have a right to my position, at the same time i feel like i cannot necessarily prove this right to anyone else within a brief encounter.

point 1.
medical school.
i sometimes see medical students walking around the hospitals or i meet one out and about in the world and when the topic of school and career, etc arises... i have the tendency to become increasingly sheepish and unsure of my knowledge or my path. i know i did well in school and i'm sure of my knowledge and where i want to go, but for some psychological reason, i cannot feel that this person can possibly believe my lack of evidence for planning on going to medical school in 2010, for example.

its irrational and insecure... but its just the way it is. i demand evidence from those around me for the thoughts, theories, and desires they lay out to me... so i feel less than adequate when people can't even believe me enough to ask for the evidence, but just to throw it to the side.

(post edit: there was more to this post, but it never got written and has been since forgotten, however, i wanted to keep the integrity of the blog and publish my thoughts, albeit years later, from the correct time and date)

chopped bug hair

2009-02-04T22:22:00.002-06:00

i had a dream last night where a light colored scarab flew into my hair and stuck there. i had a coworker cut out the chunk of hair that it was entangled into. later in my dream i cut off the rest of my hair... and i just kept attacking my hair with scissors until it was all uneven and an awful mullet. yes thats right... an awful mullet.

in other nightmares--only the ones that happen during waking hours....

i would like to say... less than 1 month in... and obama is sincerely apologizing for his mistake of nominating people with IRS issues. c'mon... really... everyone is making a huge deal out of this but he's actually even coming out and saying that he's sorry when it really wasn't his personal fault if he didn't know about their issues... for those of you who don't know... he actually has a board to research and make sure everything is kosher with his nominees. i'm pretty sure bush said he really didn't make any mistakes even at the end of his 8 years. i just don't understand. there were 8 years of administration that sent the economy to the gutter and people are STILL whining about the new plans to bring it back to clinton levels--or at least livable levels. people are still whining about obama and his policies and ideas... the same people that are whining... this is for you: you HAD 8 YEARS... IT DIDN'T WORK. GIVE IT A DAMN REST AND GO ON VACATION SOMEWHERE FOR A FEW YEARS.

this was my favorite. psych. i had a coworker come in today and say "so i know what democrats don't mind high taxes.... they don't pay them anyways....". he continued to laugh hysterically before going into everything that is wrong and ridiculous about democrats. i've heard his rants so many times before... about how the country is going to hell now that obama won... how healthcare is over and how we need to go buy as many guns as possible because everything about them is about to be illegal. give it a break, man--i really don't like you.

just had to get that off my chest.

i wear my skin

2008-12-15T22:21:00.002-06:00

we all go through some point where we look around and pick up little things from those we admire... some catch phrase... a hairstyle... a type of music... whatever the list goes on... and thats ok... they DO say after all mimicry is the most sincere form of flattery...

at some point it clicks though... piece by piece we stop looking to the outside for who we want to be and rather, we start looking inside. instead of admiring the image displayed to us by others, we start showing our own art. personally, at some point i noticed i was more comfortable with my hair being black and constantly changing... my style... while still quirky and not agreed on by many... has become my own comfort zone. we grow into our own skin.... into our own niche... maybe we aren't the ones on stage dancing... maybe we're just sitting in the background watching... but in the end... we find where we're supposed to be-- and life is a lot easier to live once we get there.

i have to hang out with myself 24 hours/day... if i'm socially awkward when hanging out with myself, how could i be anything otherwise with anyone else or in any other situation?

the point is... it's not wrong to try different things on until you find one that fits... but its a lot easier to find just the right fit and style when you can make it yourself...

thoughts

2008-10-22T17:38:00.003-05:00

Just because we don't understand something... it doesn't mean we should fear it.

If we embrace it rather, we can learn more from these things we fear than any book, class, or experience.

Historically, cultures and communities have put down that which we do not understand--have called it evil, have condemned anyone who would associate with whatever it may be. I've always been one to stand up for those things. i've always stood up for "mystic" sciences if you will... always been one to stand up for someone who is just a bit different... i don't care what your sexuality is or what your beliefs are. I'm not going to be afraid of you just because i don't understand you-- rather i'd prefer to get to you know you a little better. In the end it makes me more content and you more comfortable with me.

I met an interesting couple yesterday-- and they reminded me not to be afraid of things that i don't know. To look within the power of myself and of the connection between me and others to find the strength that lies within. its a pretty incredible strength, but only if you are willing to give all you've got to fight for what you believe

fog, smog, and a smokey porch

2008-10-15T00:46:00.004-05:00

how could you NOT love this weather. its morning weather that didn't go away. middle of the afternoon and i still couldn't see building tops... thats the way it should be... maybe all the time... maybe just through fall... i love it.

you know... when the air around just feels like its just barely icier than you might be... and its just blowing at you... and it looks like dusk whether its 2 pm or 3 am... that, friends, is perfect.

one of my favorite things about oklahoma is that we do get to experience all 4 seasons completely while some place have only one season all year and others have 2--cold and warmer... we get all of them, almost to an extreme--and if today wasn't the stereotypical october day... well... don't argue, it was. it was stereotypical and lovely and lazy and foggy and wonderful.

maybe especially so because i was able to sit on our huge old white porch and watch it.

maybe the weather did it to me, but this quote stuck out from 6fu this week...

"having someone in your life that makes you hate yourself less--that must be nice"

invisible importance

2008-10-02T01:08:00.004-05:00

who isn't lonely in some way? even being surrounded by people doesn't really make you any less alone. but how do you get over IT? and i don't mean being lonely. i mean--how do you get over that thing... that thing that showed up in your life out of nowhere and changed it forever. you didn't mean for it to show up or to change you... you probably didn't even know it was happening at the time. and that's what we miss and we're missing and lonely from.

that's what is so messed up about the whole thing... you didn't know it was even there... then it's gone and it was the most important thing that had happened to you... and how do you get over that? by the time i probably do come around, i'll probably miss the next important appearance because i was too busy unable to to get over being befuddled by the last one.

that's sorta irritating.

watching the IV drops

2008-09-19T02:23:00.004-05:00

i guess hospitals are a place most people find uncomfortable. Sitting in the waiting room, the families and friends seem squeamish, not only because of whatever procedure they are waiting to be done to whomever--but because of their environment. and that is understandable. hospitals are cold, there are sick people everywhere, IV's, needles, waiting rooms. everyone's waiting... waiting to get better or waiting to see if they get worse... waiting to see if they're gonna go home... waiting to see who their next nurse may be... waiting waiting waiting.

its like one building that encompasses so many of people's worst fears: small spaces... sick people... needles... blood... death... freak accidents... everything scary in the world i guess.

i'm not uncomfortable being in the hospital. the scenes and environments don't bother me... where time seems to pass slower for every one else, somehow it passes faster for me. the only thing that bothers me about being in a hospital is that i can't do more to help those in pain around me. i think i've finally validated my decisions in life. i could do lots of things and be happy. i could be a teacher, i could be a research scientist, or a UN official, a CDC leader, a middle eastern peace non profit organization head... but this weekend has shown me what i already knew in clearer light. my calling is to the hospital, to the place of other people's worse fears... my calling is to calm them, comfort them, and everything in the capacity of my existence to ease their illnesses, fears, discomfort...

this isn't an uncomfortable place. it just isn't easy to face our fears. my fear comes into play in that... my worst fear is that i haven't done all i could, i couldn't help. this is the place of my worst fear, and also the only place i can face it, overcome it, and/or vanquish it. i guess its just where i should be... even if it takes me quite a while to get there.

so thats the only bad part about being here really... just that i can't do more to help.

4 years after needing new

2008-09-19T02:23:00.002-05:00

exactly 4 years ago this week, i started this blog, and its gone just about everywhere since then...through elections and politics, strange dreams, poems, oh...everything. whats funny is i happened to be in the same place i was 4 years ago. my first post only said monotony: i need new. and i started the blog to sorta somehow push myself to "new"... only... this time... i needed new and as a result got a new car, quit my job, moved to the city, threw out a ton of my belongings and clothes, and started at the health science center in public health. if you told me this 4 years ago, i would have said you were an idiot.

4 years... and i was still looking for the next new thing. its funny to see how its changed. i was always determined to make sure this wasn't too diary-esque... i'm never quite sure why i say some of the things i say... i'll never understand why it is that as a kid we wrote about what we ate for dinners in our diaries... like THAT was going to be interesting to read later.

in everything i write, i may not have written about my feelings, and i may not remember writing anything at all... but whats interesting about this blog is that as soon as i read an excerpt--i know exactly what my mood was and what happened that day. its like a secret diary that no one knows about 'cept me.

mrs. s. palin... you haven't escaped my blog. you're on the agenda, i'm just tired, and you'd take the rest of my needed energy away from me, hockey mom. so until next time....

happy anniversary.

political toasters and the TIME

2008-09-01T00:10:00.002-05:00

i'm in love with obama. i am.

it took me a while to decide this actually. When we were first looking into who might be the candidates last year, i wasn't at all sure about him, i didn't know nearly enough about him, and i just wasn't really convinced. so i started doing my research, which aside from reading up on him and watching him etc, including my latest summer reading of "the audacity of hope"

he convinced me. he wins.

if you've talked to me about how i feel about him, you've probably already heard this analogy. politics are sticky. in fact, i'm fairly sure the work politic comes from the latin for "sticky". not really... it actually came from the greek for city/citizen... anyways... its sticky. and you never know whats a front and what needs to be said and what CAN be done and what needs to be done and what is possible to accomplish... but by the time you start peeling off all the layers... you're probably exhausted only a few layers in. Its something we've come to accept and understand in studying our politicians. try to see through some of the cracks in the smoke being blown at us... thats about all we can do. so anyhow... here's my analogy. when you receive a gift from someone, the cordial and appropriate thing to do is express gratitude and extreme approval. "oh i really needed this toaster! its perfect! i shall put it in my toaster garden and it will just match amazingly oh my gosh how could you know?! its.. its.. perfect!" but... when you really DO love the gift, and you really DO believe it's perfect, what do you do? you sound exactly the same as when you weren't being quite as candid--if not even more fake. that line is fine. so fine in fact that we use it on a regular basis so as not to offend aunt marianne who got you a barney clock for your 15th birthday-- and aunt marianne will never know the difference. now... away from toasters, and back to poliltics. if politics is the response of courtesy and fake-itude then barack, while he may appear to look the same, is the genuine response.

go read his book. you can hear it in his voice, read it in his book. he really is that 1 in a million guy that really intends to do everything he sets out to do. he really is the guy that we are all depending on. he's the guy that when we say "someone should do something about that"... he's doing something about it. i had such a strange flood of emotion for his cause while reading my book during the democratic convention... that i just had to get it off my chest.

in other news, don't think i didn't give mccain a chance. i used to like him... i remember saying a few years ago what a better candidate he would have been than w. but i encourage you to all go read the TIME interview with him in the "republican" issue. he literally said nothing at all, just took the interviewer in circles and refused to answer anything at all. rather than take that opportunity to show his strengths, he showed ME that he's just like the other smoke-blowers. trying to send us in circles and sound like he's saying something when he's saying nothing at all (although in the interview he didn't even try THAT very hard. he just said nothing"

let me give you a small recap of part of the interview. seriously. it blew my mind, and this is straight from the times.

What do you want voters to know coming out of the Republican Convention — about you, about your candidacy?
I'm prepared to be President of the United States, and I'll put my country first.

There's a theme that recurs in your books and your speeches, both about putting country first but also about honor. I wonder if you could define honor for us?
Read it in my books.

I've read your books.
No, I'm not going to define it.

But honor in politics?
I defined it in five books. Read my books.

[Your] campaign today is more disciplined, more traditional, more aggressive. From your point of view, why the change?
I will do as much as we possibly can do to provide as much access to the press as possible.

But beyond the press, sir, just in terms of ...
I think we're running a fine campaign, and this is where we are.

Do you miss the old way of doing it?
I don't know what you're talking about.

Really? Come on, Senator.
I'll provide as much access as possible ...

In 2000, after the primaries, you went back to South Carolina to talk about what you felt was a mistake you had made on the Confederate flag. Is there anything so far about this campaign that you wish you could take back or you might revisit when it's over?
[Does not answer.]

Do I know you? [Says with a laugh.]
[Long pause.] I'm very happy with the way our campaign has been conducted, and I am very pleased and humbled to have the nomination of the Republican Party.

You do acknowledge there was a change in the campaign, in the way you had run the campaign?
[Shakes his head.]

You don't acknowledge that? O.K., when your aides came to you and you decided, having been attacked by Barack Obama, to run some of those ads, was there a debate?
The campaign responded as planned.

if anyone saw the cho-show recently... M. Cho has a beauty pageant and her assistants final question was "what was the last thing you needed to apologize for?" she consequently responds with a pre-determined answer about bringing home the troops and ending the war in iraq. thats sorta what mccain reminds me of in that piece.

seriously. i'll lose what little faith i have left in humanity if mccain is in the oval office next year.

9 dumpsters; 4 cars.

2008-08-17T20:28:00.003-05:00

so i went to take out the clutter from my kitchen, i.e. my recycling. norman has finally instated a curbside recycling program, but for those of us living in condominium complexes and apartments... its not quite so easy... so i deal with a little more clutter then take my clutter out across town (they took down my old recycling site about a year ago)... it always feels really nice to do. either because i'm exceptionally angry and shattering glass into a dumpster and makes me feel better or because i've done my itty bitty little part and got off my lazy ass to do it. today it felt more routine, i wasn't relieving my nerves or trying to make myself feel like a better person... i was just taking my recycling because it needed to be done. the nice part was the 4 other cars doing the same thing. i don't know that i've ever seen even one other car there much less been crowded for room. it was especially nice, and put a smile on my face, even amidst the crappy conversation i was having before doing it. so save your cans and bottles, and don't be acting like we don't all have a surplus of those... it seriously needs like 1 extra trashcan, bag, or recycle bin and 1/2 a second more thinking time before you throw something away. who knows... maybe with more recycling on our side, prices of things will go down with cheaper raw materials. :)

just an idea... if helping out the environment doesn't get you... and neither does possibly helping the economy... at least you don't have to take your garbage out as often and you can take out your anger on inanimate objects.

in no specific order...

2008-08-14T11:51:00.004-05:00

top 5 favorite movie soundtracks:

1. Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?

2. The Anniversary Party

3. The Dreamers

4. The Royal Tenenbaums

5. Amelie

taking a hint

2008-08-09T20:22:00.002-05:00

hints. signs. guardian angels. whatever you wanna call them, and wherever you want to believe they come from... i've decided not only would i like a few more, but i'd like them to be a LITTLE more clear. like... maybe a postcard addressed to me from God saying exactly what i need to do. or maybe some leaves spell it out, or airplane banner... anything... i'm tired of subtle signs.

Was i supposed to take the mcat computer SHUTTING DOWN ON ME last year as a sign to stop taking it, and that i should be doing something else? how about a perfect interview and still not getting in?

No. I didn't get into medical school again... last year, i got it. i knew i shouldn't have started last year... but this year??? really?? does this mean i need to try harder? or i'm supposed to go somewhere else? or i'm supposed to do something different all together? i am so lost with so many options, and i'm dying over here without a fairy godmother... and no more subtle signs. my brain is burned out and i'm obviously not getting them.

warning to my fairLY godperson. i'm going into the public health program for the fall as a special student. you have approximately 2 months to send me that postcard.

do i look fat supporting this policy?

2008-07-28T22:48:00.006-05:00

Everyone has a caricature to which any comedian can react and present for comedic relief. This is obvious amongst friends, in a work environment, anywhere. Seeing comedy in ourselves helps the days go by and makes life and its seriousness a little lighter--it makes already pleasant situations unforgettable--It helps us relate to the world around us. This is most obvious in the case of politicians. We bring them into our own realm through their caricature--we make them human rather than untouchable. SNL has done this since its creation. We've had adulterers, big-eared candidates, fast talkers, slow talkers, southerners, and "special kids"... these are all extraneous facts about our politicians--well... except for the "special kid"... i'm pretty sure W is the exception to every rule though. Every other caricature presented is "extra" it doesn't really have to do with anything they believe in or represent, only extra features we identify with and can laugh about. The fact that a senator is old as death or that someone has big ears or a healthy appetite or an active libido... these things don't really matter in the greater scheme of things... they don't matter in international affairs or domestic policy...(maybe the special kid does... but may i reiterate... exception)... they don't change gas prices or taxes...

so here's my question... why is it when i turn to msnbc.com or cnn.com for my news, the headliner involves a small bandage on the temple of john mccain, because he went to the dermatologist and got a spot removed. This isn't important. save that news for US weekly and for the comedians... focus on what needs to be focused on!!! this is a huge election year... yet we're focusing on the fact that mccain wore a baseball cap and that obama went to the gym. you're kidding right???

then on some program or another, they were discussing a similar topic. it was brought up that people don't really care about health policy or international policy. People care about michelle obama's toned arms and cindy mccain's outfits. WHAT!? those people need to be reading US weekly... not watching msnbc. we should be caring about the policy... the fact that so many people don't that media is actually focusing on the caricature of these politicians--the amusement facrtor of them--to draw in numbers rather than the core of the politicians themselves... says a lot about where we are headed i guess. But then, we're already paying for that kind of thinking... i'll have no social security and gas will be like 4000 dollars a tank by my middle age crisis.

Europe has lasted through countless wars... the euro is already more valuable than the dollar. and they still talk politics over there, not just what jacque chirac is wearing. And its not that chirac's caricature or Margaret Thatcher's caricature wasn't amusing or unspoken of... its just that though. amusement, a side conversation for fun rather than what opinion is based on... just some things to think about.

the trick to diagnosing

2008-07-13T11:17:00.003-05:00

so if you deny a problem... clearly... you have one... yet... if you admit to a problem... good for you... you have a problem. so wait... what exactly do you look for to see if someone DOES NOT have a problem?

Great trick if your intentions are to diagnose someone, but what if your job is actually to see whether or not a person has a problem?

if a child gets distracted once, does that mean they have add?\

if a person gets irritable and snaps once, does that mean they have a rage problem?

if a person arranges their tic-tacs in the container once out of boredom, does that make them OCD?

c'mon seriously... we're going to need to use a little bit more judgment than this. generalizations are driving me crazy. stop trying to diagnose the world and how about we do whats human. let us understand that people make mistakes, both big and small, let us understand people for being different rather than "weird because its not like me... or its not WASP enough), let us realize that people get colds and don't necessarily need antibiotic to get over it (just an immune system).

in my personal opinion, diagnoses must be based on repeated uncontrollable patterns acted out by the subject. and i'm pretty positive i can apply this to any diagnosis.

just some things i've been thinking about.

the reciprocation

2008-07-05T21:41:00.002-05:00

I'm always learning... always trying to make myself a better person... lord knows i have a hard time with discussion, and i love being right... far more often than i am right... i know i'm hard on myself, and making mistakes is not something i really enjoy doing much less admitting that i've done...

i've taken the time to observe a little more closely and analyze how i work when i make a mistake... the truth is... i pretty much shut down... i tune out the entire world and my brain begins to run on about 37 tracks trying to figure out exactly everything that needs to be done to alleviate the situation. This includes scheming, exactly what needs to be done next, what must be done after that, the consequences, how i need to deal with every part... its all prioritized and my brain becomes a complete cloud to the outside world. for any of you who have actually seen this take place... i imagine it looks something like a glaze going over my eyes, my forehead will squinch, and i'll either start moving very fast or i'll stop moving all together... none of it really makes any sense... its just how i deal with things. ANYTHING... i dealt with bad test grades like this... text messages that you just KNOW are leading to something bad coming up... mistakes i make oh pretty much anywhere... in ANY case... its how i work.

now, don't get me wrong... honesty is the most important thing to me, i value it above all else... however, i just know that in most cases i can get myself out of just about any situation.

when i realize i can't get myself out of a situation and i just have to face my mistakes... i can't correct them or fix them later... its not easy an easy task for me to do. i'm just that stubborn, but here i am saying what most of you already know about me. BUT, you may know that when i apologize... its sincere, and its probably eating me alive on the inside.

i've always thought the working myself up to humble myself down far enough to admit that i'm wrong was the hard part... it turns out that + my 37 paths of figuring things out is what i focused on and what i dread in the back of my mind is what happens if once i have humbled myself down and past what i thought was the hard part... it doesn't matter and there's nothing that can be done... now i've vulnerable-ized myself and all for naught? what if the apology isn't accepted anywways? i guess underneath it all, i believe that when you really mean an apology, the other person HAS to accept it... truth is... that isn't the way it is... the other person never has to accept anything no matter how sincere and remorseful you are.

just something i'm thinking about...

its the end of the world as we know it

2008-07-01T22:20:00.006-05:00

i recommend everyone go out and spend the 15 dollars (or 10, once you get that borders 30% off coupon that they put out every week) and go buy Joseph Lawrence's "apocalypse 2012"

it blew my mind.

especially the part about the dimension of time.

even if you think its all garbage, it can still just open your mind to ideas, and then you ALSO get to be one of the people that knows what other people believe making yourself smarter, the world a better place, and if you still think the whole thing is still bullocks, you have a stronger foundation for arguing with anyone that believes in 2012.

i'm not going to go into any details of the book because they are far too many and too in-depth to really go into them here. read it. and call me.

elaine and her coworkers were discussing whether or not it is responsible and/or fair to have children once you are informed that the world is ending in 4 years, or at the very least drastically changing...

well? honestly... i don't know...

i feel like, after much pondering on the matter, the appropriate thing to do would be, in my opinion, to wait until you see what happens in 2012 and a bit beyond... if things happen and settle down and the environment is affable to childrearing... well then... no problem... it seems selfish and mean and a little bit... i dunno... making-things-harder-on-yourself-for-no-reason. I mean sure there is the experience of childbirth if you really are so desperate to have that experience... and don't get me wrong, i'm not against children... i love them, i want them... but the actual birthing thing isn't really all that awesome-sounding to me... and if there is a world of pain--why oh why would you want to expose a child you were so excited about having to that? don't you think part of being a responsible parent involves making sure the world you're bringing the child into is stable and safe? this is my decision. i will not be having children until well after 2012... i don't care if i get married tomorrow... its not gonna happen. that's my responsible parenting decision.

just thought it was more official if i blogged it and explained a bit of the background as to how i made the decision and why i felt it was necessary. feel free to make your own declaration of parenthood or lack of parenthood-- whichever you deem appropriate for yourself and society.
(but i really think you should read the book before you make any formal declaration)

truth of torture

2008-06-17T16:37:00.002-05:00

i don't hate people... i don't judge people... but you, miss... here's what i want to happen to you... not the killing kind of pain... no no no... that far too easy... but rather...

1. i want you to have mosquito bites every night such that it becomes hard to sleep or function throughout the day

2. i want your food to come out cold when you order it at restaurants

3. i want your remote to be forever our of batteries

4. i want your heel to break on your favorite shoes when you are at some nice restaurant far from home.

5. i hope your grocery bags break.

6. i hope bleach gets all over your favorite shirt.

7. i hope as soon as you get home with your bread, and you've been craving a certain sandwich... you find out its moldy.

8. i hope the crossword is torn out of your newspaper when you sit down to do it.

9. i hope you are able to get every bit of your back popped except the one crick that's been driving you crazy.

10. i hope you have a terrible haircut

11. i hope you run out of shampoo, but you don't realize it until after you're already in the shower and all soapy

12. i hope you go get a pedicure and get a fungus from the utensils because they weren't properly sterilized

13. i hope allergies drive your sinuses crazy

14. i hope you constantly don't have cell phone reception

15. i hope you get pink eye

16. i hope you accidentally leave your car windows down and it rains like crazy

17. i hope you can't find a toothpick when you desperately need one

18. i hope you get a terrible rash

19. i hope you cut yourself shaving. everytime. the small irritating little cuts...

20. i hope you forget where you put anything you're trying to find

21. i hope you get paper-cuts on every file you put away

22. i hope when you get into your car, the sun is so hot that you burn your hands and legs on the seatbelt, seat, steering wheel...

23. i hope your soda is flat

24. i hope you have an allergy to your new fabric softner

25. i hope traffic lights last a ridiculous time before turning green

26. i hope you get stuck in line in the grocery store behind the old lady with 100s of small items

27. i hope you stub your toe as soon as you wake up in the morning

28. i hope your alarm doesn't go off in the morning

29. i hope your favorite cd gets all sorts of scratched

30. i hope no cabs stop for you when you need one

thats all for now.

i really don't like you ma'am-- don't discriminate against people.

blacklisted

2008-06-17T08:41:00.003-05:00

when i go through airports... i don't really have a problem... i look white white white and totally american... the rest of my family gets "randomly" checked all the time... well, leaving tel aviv on saturday night, that wasn't the case... i've really only been bothered once before and that was on the border from jordan to israel... this time... they were really trying to get to us... then i get back and i'm trying to apply to this medical school in tel aviv... well... the lady i talked to really didn't want me to apply from the beginning and i could tell... in the end i wasn't even able to apply... and i feel truly discriminated against... when things like this happen... it makes me SO much more nationalistic. people are such assholes. I decided to wear a hatta for the first time last night... i had bought it while in jerusalem, and i decided it was time. honestly. it was empowering. For the first time, even though people probably just thought i was going with the "Rachel ray fashion trend" i could put on the outside who i was on the inside.

As palestinians, we spend a lot of our lives trying to blend in... by being israeli, american, anything to take eyes off of palestinian and the possibly association with hamas and terrorism that people LOVE to attach to the nationality. well, i AM palestinian. My dad was actually born before Israel was a state, which by the way does NOT make him old at all--he was born in english-occupied palestine. I never had to worry about blending in--i don't really stand out. so... i'm doing my own little experiment with wearing my hatta around.

jerks.

my life is tabouli salad

2008-06-09T16:57:00.003-05:00

Tel-Aviv Sackler School of medicine
Bahamas (carribbean US school of medicine really)
OUmed center try 3 if waitlisting doesn't work out
Loma Linda next year after moving to San Diego
Independent Phlebotomy program

so... yeah... i love tablouli... but not so much when its not what i'm living on but rather what my life IS.

road signs?

2008-06-03T09:20:00.001-05:00

Yeah… there are all sorts of crossroads in life… blah blah blah… and there are all sorts of warning signs like for all the construction in Oklahoma… decision ahead 2 miles… decision ahead 1 mile… decision ahead 1000 yards… decision ahead 500 yards… DECIDE NOW… so you have all that time to think about it… so what happens when you are driving down the highway and you know you are going to take the 6c exit, because that is the exit you planned on taking and you are supposed to take and you will be taking… (I mean… how else would you get to the destination that you are supposed to be at in 30 minutes??), and you find out that that exit is closed for construction… you have to decide right then how to get where you want to go. You have 30 minutes to be there. DECIDE NOW.

I’m no good at that… when I’m driving I never mind driving in circles, it gives me more time to think and enjoy the view, and if I forget, I can always risk a little and cross 4 lanes of traffic to exit left… but the decide right now… really, I’m terrible with it. And here I am, I have my life ahead of me, once again, I have no idea where I’ll be in 2 or 3 months, and I’m here in Israel having to decide NOW. Maybe a phlebotomy program? Do I move? Do I stay? Do I keep with CVS? Apply again? Law school?

Where ARE my tarot cards when I need them???

I’m a Gemini, I’m not wired to make decisions, I’m wired to be indecisive, but have a lot of fun doing it. I’m wired to learn about everything, not to have my life decided within 5 minutes of everything going terribly wrong.

Somebody send me a new road sign… preferably one that says “hey mary, do this” and neon light would also be helpful. Thank you.

hiding a 19 year old

2008-05-08T03:33:00.004-05:00

a year has passed since my own graduation...i remember oh-so-clearly passing everyone partying on campus corner on my way to ihop to CONTINUE working on a 15 page paper i still had due... up all night all the way up to commencement... quite appropriate for me really... and now i'm watching it again. It's weird to think of everything that has changed since then. who knew, right?

here's an amusing little tid-bit... so daniel and i were reminiscing a few (weeks?) ago about xanga... remember xanga, guys?... yeah... so once i finished reading my old posts there, i naturally started back onto this blog... one entry i found especially amusing, rants about taking chances, about... putting yourself on the line, because we only live once and its better to have a broken heart than to wonder and "what-if?". When i read this, i turned to daniel, and told him i would rebut my own argument, hope no one followed this advice, and beg them not to sue me had the advice been followed... why would you listen to a naive 19 year old anyways??? well... the end of that article, as those of you know that clicked on the above link, i wished i could follow my own advice... i did follow my own advice at the time... which resulted in about 3 years of wishing i had NOT. now here i am again...wondering...maybe i was right in the first place?

that was a really roundabout way of saying... are our gut instinct what we should be listening to? Is it better to have listened to the naive 19 year old novo-wisdom or the advice that comes after a few heartaches, a few drinks, and some serious callusing. I'm not actually planning on answering that question... i don't know the answer... i don't believe in regrets, so my choices in life are to either go ahead and ever more hesitatingly put myself out on that line and take risks and deal with the consequences... or to stay inside and not have any experiences to have a chance of consequence with.

i want to go sky-diving.
i like taking chances.
consequences always gave me a bit of a rush.
as i continue to callus and grow... cynically laughing at my past naivete... i think there is still some of that 19 year old left inside...
so lets go sky-diving... sometime.

ode to mary and daniel

2008-05-08T03:30:00.004-05:00

the best faux-husband in the world... i remember when we fought for the liberation of cottonwood ridge and building 3, and celebrated with a fiesta...

holymiamiland

2008-04-08T22:47:00.002-05:00

tuesday, april 1st. consequently april fool's day. i get a call in the morning informing me that i will be traveling to miami friday afternoon at 1. Had it been a joke... it would have been a cruel and ultimately TERRIBLE joke... but it wasn't... and it resulted in one of my favorite weekends... ever. seriously. It was going on vacation with a group of 20(?) where none of us really knew each other all that well, but we DID know that we had strong common links and we would all get along. What resulted was taking over a hotel with bizer, jokes, and loud talking; a group of people with the silliest tanlines (burnlines?) possible from a beach day, and unforgettable new friendships. a few blogs ago, i mentioned the group from the las vegas convention and how refreshing it was to meet people who understand exactly where i'm coming from as an arab american...scratch that... as a nasri arab american... let me reiterate this fact. its a little confusing being fully american and fully from nazareth, and i say nazareth because its a little different than associating solely as an arab... we all have parents with the same experiences, we all had similar growing up stories, family quirks, and values... they were the friends that you can't WAIT to take home to your mama and baba. i can't wait for all of you who are going to be in part 3 of our reunions in nazareth and then part 4 in chicago.

honestly... i have no words to describe how much i love you all and enjoyed you all. i finally felt like i 100% belonged in a group of arabs. and that is SO new and refreshing.

enough with sentimentalities... i almost peed my pants for half the weekend laughing.

its a digital world and i'm a PC girl

2008-03-20T19:56:00.004-05:00

so, mizi had an appointment at THE GENIUS BAR at the apple store at 6:00 pm. she was to be there NO LATER THAN 5:55 pm. Nicole and I went with her... i hate going to the apple store...and i'm pretty sure by the end of the visit, they hated me there too...

i don't understand why those of us who have chosen sony, PC, or any other product over apple must be scoffed at and discriminated again for our choices. honestly... i would never carry an iPhone, iThis or iThat. I LOVE sim cards. and buttons. i can text and drive at the same time. i love that my speaker on my sony ericsson is way better than that on an iPhone... no, i don't watch youtube on my phone... but that is ACTUALLY what i have a computer for.... a PC actually. and my PC's have stood by my side for years and i love them and i have no need or want to use a damn mac... my mp3 player has never been an iPod... for the 1 month i had an iPod it was fine...until it dropped once and then overheated to the point where it almost caught fire in my car... i'll stick with my old tiny mp3 player that fits so nicely in my pocket...

so WHY OH WHY OH WHY do i get scoffed at!? we really don't judge mac users, we don't raise our noses to them, we don't wear our gear around like we're walking billboards...i actually admire their use of design... and i find their commercials aesthetically pleasing... i just don't really want an apple tattoo...

here is the part where i beg you all to be open minded... use your powerbooks... your iPods and iPhones... wear your gear... but don't look down on my equipment... my phone does everything yours can and i bet yours can't teach you to play guitar... mine can. and its sexy. very sexy phone that has dropped a million times and never broken.

i'm proudly a PC girl... and not enough people stand up and say that.

so stop discriminating... snobs.
booyah.

running

2008-03-03T18:21:00.002-06:00

ever feel like you're running and running and all of a sudden you stop, and you have no idea where you're going or what you're going to do if and when you get there?

yeah... make sure you at least have a good soundtrack for that run...makes it a lot easier.

here's my right-now list. check it out... they're all on thesixtyone on my blogger playlist... all except A-punk, which is substituted with another vampire weekend song...but don't take my word for it... check it out HERE (thanks lamar)

STEFY - chelsea
beta.beta - hello hello, over and out
chromeo - bonafide lovin' (teenager's remix)
girl talk - bounce that
infected mushroom - becoming insane
sia - electric bird
yael naim - toxic
universal hall pass - sally's song
international pony - gothic girl
vampire weekend - A-punk
the donna's - don't wait up for me

a quotable leap-month

2008-03-03T17:33:00.002-06:00

you know... living in america, i forget sometimes how nice it is to hang out with people who have parents from the same hometown as my parents... we were unsure of how the reunion of nazareth was going to go, but from it, i was able to meet an unforgettable group of people who share a common background and parental experience with me... it was a great weekend... which ranged from breaking the ice at the very appropriate and ironic ali baba's... hanging out at paris hilton's birthday bash at pure, where i wanted to dance and not ogle her... rouletting...and oh so much more... hopefully i'll meet up with them again soon (miami anyone?)... and here are some of the amusing quotes that emerged from the weekend:

"just call everyone mike... elias just doesn't work here"

"hey lets be that table...*obnoxious clapping ensues*" (elaine and i proceeded to bust out into the typical nazareth clap-styles that each different guy somehow learns"

"if you could, just tell him the brother of his father's cousin's husband is looking for him."

"by the end of the night, as people continue to drink, the math in the song gets interesting... its kinda like elaine's math is all the time..."

"in two years, let us once again meet and bring the holy city back to the city of sin!"

other amusing quotes from febuary:

"in a world of color, you, my dear, are a sea of gray"
-me in regards to a very unpleasant girl at the pharmacy.

"no don't look like a hoodrat at all... you look like a poet."
-miziana in regards to my outfit

"your style is the influence of the radical muslim movement on society. do you deny that your ridiculous wardrobe is a bin laden conspiracy??"
-my mother, comments like these make me love her so much more.

"sometimes...you're so crazy you outcrazy yourself."
-daniel

"...i don't know how to turn bread off of fire..."
-me... i'm glad daniel listens to me, because i have no idea what i'm saying sometimes

warning

2008-03-03T17:16:00.003-06:00

ever have the feeling you're running somewhere... and you're running and running and running... and all of a sudden, you stop... and you have no idea where you are going or what your going to do when you get there?

daniel warned me.

spiderweb

2008-02-26T01:07:00.003-06:00

when we were younger, i remember one saturday we all decided to make a giant maze-web thing in a front yard. The yard was huge to us and so was the web... we spent time weaving these ropey things through different branches and making sure it would be difficult to get out of.

it took up our whole afternoon and we loved it.

so why do we still like doing that? why do we spin this complex webs around our lives... ensuring that entrance and exit will not be easy... everything becomes a giant mess entangled in every other bit... our webs are caught in other peoples webs, and they in turn just become a giant mad mess. we invite people to come play in our webs... knowing it will only make it more complicated for us to move around or understand our own homey web...

maybe as long as we continue to spin our webs as intricately and problematically as we grew up doing, we ourselves ensure that life will stay interesting... you'll catch people, children, bugs, problems, more problems...

who knew at the time that we were just training for our jumbled futures?

i love broken glass

2008-02-11T22:47:00.000-06:00

broken glass is to me always more interesting than the vase from which it came. the colors and edges are always eye-catching and enticing. the whole vase only entices me to pick it up and throw it and listen to its crash as it becomes a million interesting pieces.

i want a new puppy. stella was suicidal. she left when i did. but she and i were perfect together, i wish i could have told her to stay, because we made a good team, her with her broken glass and me with mine.

i don't like boys that have their glass in tact... it makes me either want to pick it up and smash it or walk away... i much prefer to listen to the tingling of shards on shards and feel the jagged edges of a puzzle that is impossible to put together... and if somehow it gets put together... i generally run away from it. those things belong in a museum for the uninteresting, not on my bookshelf.

what is my fascination with the absurd, the broken, shattered? i dunno, i suppose i see a depth there that is nonexistent in the perfectly put together--it doesn't get boring or old... every time you look, the light diffracts differently. the colors are different, the pieces put together differently and show a different story, the pieces are different in themselves...

not that they are harsh or cold, because i find the museum piece far more unwelcoming than broken glass.

febuary summer sunday

2008-02-03T23:53:00.000-06:00

you know those days when you're in love with the world and it just doesn't matter what goes wrong, it can't get you down? that was my sunday... it felt like one of those transitory days between seasons where its warm but not at all hot, just comfortable...anything that was irritating or went terribly wrong... just made me laugh... its just one of those days that fit right.

We all live fast and forget to throw our hair back and dance and take in the moment. to feel the wind, not miss it or be irritated by it. To not rush to meet expectations or to do anything remarkable. rather, the best day in the world for me sounds terribly boring if i were to write down how it went down... but it was perfect. Its important for us to appreciate simple emotions: comfort, fun, parky.

yeah... i said parky and i meant it... if today wasn't a day to go to the park, or at least go outside and play... then... well... it just was.

behind closed shades

2008-01-22T17:49:00.000-06:00

i'm sure i've blogged about this before, but i find it important and appearing once again, so i'll mention it. The state of my apartment, i find, reflects perfectly my mental state. When the place is a mess and in a flux, my own mind and life seems to be a mess as well. similarly, every now and again, it needs a remodel... some new organization... a good dusting... and perhaps some nails or window shades need to be replaced here and there... new apartment... new me? or are we always the same no matter how much remodeling and work we do behind our shades?

on another note... heath ledger? really?
i practically couldn't ring the next guy out for his prescription when i was told that he OD-ed.

sixty-one-ing

2007-12-30T13:03:00.000-06:00

so here is my christmas gift to you-- the gift of neverending music for those of you who are passionate about music. go check it out. you can download music, make playlists, or just listen to the music... bump artists you like and help them get the exposure they deserve!

www.thesixtyone.com

beware. its terribly addictive.

In Memory of My Feelings (O'hara)

2007-12-09T12:35:00.000-06:00

Daniel posted this poem, and I find it appropriate for me at this point, as such, I am reposting.

In Memory of My Feelings
frank o'hara

My quietness has a man in it, he is transparent
and he carries me quietly, like a gondola, through the streets.
He has several likenesses, like stars and years, like numerals.

My quietness has a number of naked selves,
so many pistols I have borrowed to protect myselves
from creatures who too readily recognize my weapons
and have murder in their heart!
though in winter
they are warm as roses, in the desert
taste of chilled anisette.
At times, withdrawn,
I rise into the cool skies
and gaze on at the imponderable world with the simple identification
of my colleagues, the mountains. Manfred climbs to my nape,
speaks, but I do not hear him,
I'm too blue.
An elephant takes up his trumpet,
money flutters from the windows of cries, silk stretching its mirror
across shoulder blades. A gun is "fired."
One of me rushes
to window #13 and one of me raises his whip and one of me
flutters up from the center of the track amidst the pink flamingoes,
and underneath their hooves as they round the last turn my lips
are scarred and brown, brushed by tails, masked in dirt's lust,
definition, open mouths gasping for the cries of the bettors for the lungs
of earth.
So many of my transparencies could not resist the race!
Terror in earth, dried mushrooms, pink feathers, tickets,
a flaking moon drifting across the muddied teeth,
the imperceptible moan of covered breathing,
love of the serpent!
I am underneath its leaves as the hunter crackles and pants
and bursts, as the barrage balloon drifts behind a cloud
and animal death whips out its flashlight,
whistling
and slipping the glove off the trigger hand. The serpent's eyes
redden at sight of those thorny fingernails, he is so smooth!
My transparent selves
flail about like vipers in a pail, writhing and hissing
without panic, with a certain justice of response
and presently the aquiline serpent comes to resemble the Medusa.

live and let die

2007-11-29T00:38:00.000-06:00

there are two things that we all share. the first: a past. it is impossible to escape, there are inevitable nights, events, tests, and people that are behind us. These need not be regrets, only our pasts. I have always been a strong believer in the necessity to learn from every bit of life surrounding us, but what about that which is not surrounding us. From an early age we begin to hear that we learn from our mistakes, we learn from our successes, we learn from every action. As we all nod our heads in agreement, we have to begin to think... sure... we learn from them... but are we really taking it to heart? Some of us live in the past, others forget the past almost as immediately as it is gone. Neither of these methods are healthy by any standard. The best thing that we can do is recognize our past... validate it, if you will. The past happened, and we can't change that, we can recognize it, accept it, and try to learn from it.

this brings be to the second of the two things we all share: a future. yeah, yeah, it sounds corny, but its true. While the past is behind us, the future is always ahead. It is the one thing we are in control of. we can manipulate it to be whatever it is that we want it to be. Without sounding too much like a motivational speaker, i ask you to take this to heart.

I am guilty of mistakes, i refuse to let them be regrets, but mistakes i will confess to. I am guilty of cycles in my past-- falling into the same pithole a thousand times even though I may be more than very aware of its presence. But i can't do anything about my past. I have good memories pureed with memories i only dream of forgetting. The truth is, i need to take my own advice and realize that it is called the past for a reason. its over and done with. While dwelling on the 30 seconds that made us happiest previously, we may be missing the 30 seconds we're in... and maybe that is the true best 30 seconds of your life. We have to focus on what we can bring to be. When we learn to drive, we are taught to always look at least a few seconds ahead. We are taught not to ignore the mirror surrounding us, but to use them to glance into what is behind us, and to use them to better understand our immediate surroundings.

I will always respect the past and make my best attempts to use it to my advantage--to best understand my viewpoint and positioning in the universe, but i'm going to try my hardest to leap over my pithole, and keep my head up looking at whats in front of me, not at what i just left behind.

eventually we all gotta learn to live and let die.

blueprints

2007-11-01T21:02:00.000-05:00

throughout life, we are constantly formulating a plan-- an ever-changing blueprint to where we want to end up. We're looking for happiness and fulfillment. Even those brave people living day to day and not thinking more than two hours ahead have a plan. Its a vision of happiness. Who, what, and when we run into along our paths dictates how we will begin to approach the changing of our plan.

"The Secret" is a new phenomenon, on pay-per-view if you so please, that outlines the perfect way to approach your blueprint. The secret, the law of attraction, (sorry for spoiling it if you were just on your way to order it) is easy to buy into. Visualize what you want, and think about it, and it will happen--think negatively about something positive and the negative aspect will still happen according to this theory. maybe. maybe we're all attracting the energy of the Mercedes that we so desire, and it'll appear outside one day, or maybe, and more likely, thinking positive will make life a more positive experience and thinking negative makes us all bitter and on a downward spiral. If we obsess over any goal, i'm fairly sure we can make it happen, and if it doesn't, and you're following "the secret"'s plan of positive thoughts, then it wont matter if it doesn't come true, because you've already changed your blueprint because something else positive has happened and you're only seeing positive things anyways.

I'm a strong believe in astrology, i think as beings in a universe this big energy and the mystics of the sky have a creepy something to do with how things work. I believe in spirits. My explanation there is God in his creation of the big bang and universe was much more efficient than the regular person gives credit for. Why wouldn't he have made a system to create certain aspects of a person's soul born on a certain day, and allowed this to intermingle with the genetics and environment of every individual to make us each our own person. It makes sense to me, and it seems far more efficient in general.

We are in control of certain aspects, however, and if thinking about each thing you want until your head hurts is your way of working with it, then good for you, i hope that Mercedes comes, I'll try to go with the more efficient method of coming up with a plan can adapt to what i want--it's all about perspective. If you are looking for something, and are unsuccessful and increasingly embittered by the lack of appearance of that something, then when you look in the next place, your predisposed expectation of not finding it will most likely come true, not because its not there, but because you don't expect to see it there, and as a result, your eyes may trick you or overlook anything that IS there, clouded by the messy thoughts covering your eyes. I find this applies in our relationships, in our goals, in everything that we face in life.

the moral: don't underestimate the mind, don't underestimate the universe, and don't underestimate your surroundings. Your blueprint will fall to pieces if you expect that it is happening already.

The Streets are Going Soft

2007-08-26T21:50:00.000-05:00

This post was really inspired this weekend during a quest to find something decent on the radio. I don't generally listen to the radio, and as such, i had no idea what had become "popular"...i enjoy my booty rap and hip hop though, and as such, i was ready to hear something good. so there we are, after what feels like years of radio station ADD trying to find THE song... i hear the excited shriek i'd been waiting for. Only what i was expecting to hear didn't come out of this pop icon rap guys mouth... he was singing about love and 'be my girlfriend' yada yada blah blah blah. i have to say i was a little upset. if i wanted to hear about love, i would have put on some celiene dion and called it a night... i wanted to hear what rap used to be about... rap was about MO' MONEY not being broke and not being able to buy their girl flowers... no no no... rap is about buying rocks and drinks for all your hos, bein in your gold plated hot tub, wearing a royal robe and crown, gettin your share of ass for the night from your choice of booty hos--a few times, sippin' on your gin and juice, pourin a little out for your dead homies, and passin out until the next day when you do it all over again.

shit... whats happened to the rapworld today... its all goin soft. please, if i wanna dance to something, i don't want it to remind me that i work hard, or that i'm broke, or that i want a boyfriend who will treat me right... i want it to transcend me to the world of booty-shakin, drug-takin, money-makin hos and bros that i will never know.

comfort and happiness

2007-08-23T04:59:00.000-05:00

The dictionary defines comfort as "a state of ease and satisfaction of bodily wants, with freedom from pain and anxiety."
The dictionary defines happiness as "a state of well-being and contentment."

Growing up, guardians are those who put us in a positions to be as comfortable as possible, they put us in a position to learn to make ourselves happy. They must make decisions for us, as children tend to be so open as to listen to their hearts over all reason. Sometimes we hate out guardians for what they do to us, but often, later we realize that it was in our best interest, and we appreciate their actions. We resent not being able to spend the night at a friends house, for not getting the candy or food that we want, for not being able to stay up late talking on the phone...

Some might consider contentment and comfort to be synonymous. Maybe that's true or maybe that becomes true for an individual when they reach a critical point of numbness. We make decisions in dealing with people everyday. In order for these decisions to be sensible and solid decisions they must be approached by two methods simultaneously, by using your heart and your mind both. At times, the decision must be based not on what both your heart and mind want but what is best for both of them.

Therefore we reach a point in life, and often we dont realize when this point hits, that we must act as our own guardians. We have to protect ourselves from damage and put ourselves in the best position to be comfortable and in the best position to learn to make ourselves happy. This means having the strength to make decisions that may make us miserable at the time, but are the best for our interests in the longrun.

While happiness may never be reached, contentment and felicity may never be attained, in this situation, although numbness may consume our minds and bodies for a while, a state of well-being and comfort will be reached eventually. This comfort isn't the sort you feel in the arms of someone you love, but rather a comfort with yourself that you feel only when you learn to live with yourself and the numbness and/or situation that surrounds you.

acting as your own guardian sometimes comes as the hardest thing to do. Sometimes it means breaking your own heart so someone else doesn't do it first, sometimes it means knowing to break off a friend before they hurt you socially, sometimes it simply means not allowing yourself to indulge in food or behavior that you may want, but that is only damaging to yourself.

we don't always want to grow up, but sometimes we're forced to... we have to mature eventually... and this is done by having the strength to become the guardian of your own heart, mind, and self. The outward look of contentment is why we may feel that some people who "have it easy" seem totally mature, and others who seem cold and bitter are completely immature, but please, make a decision about these people using both your heart and mind. you'll find that maturity isn't defined by contentment, but rather the ability to become our own guardians and consequently the ability to live with the misery--turned to numbness--that comes from the informed decisions we must make for ourselves.

the curse of the mcat

2007-08-10T16:37:00.000-05:00

mcat 1: mouth surgery a few days prior
mcat 2: my car didn't start, and i had to get a cab, i was late
mcat 3: my computer froze and wouldn't boot back up. i got rescheduled to take it on vacation.
mcat 4: my dog died. my baby died. my stella bella died.

thank you to my mom for not telling me until after my mcat on the last time, but i'm so tired of taking the MCAT and i'm tired of increasing horridness of every mcat day.

we never know whats going to happen. i didn't even say bye to my little girl because i was afraid she would get upset that i was leaving... because she always got upset when i would leave... i didn't think... i mean...

i can't always keep thinking i should have i should have... it wasn't anyones fault. she just hated being alone.

we spend too much time thinking our what ifs.

it sucks that she's gone... i don't really know what to do or think... i think not only am i devastated that my stella bella is gone... i think i'm finally realized that my mishka is gona as well... i shouldn't ever leave town.

:(

v-fest: take deux

2007-08-06T10:26:00.000-05:00

i'm sore, oh so sore... here are the highlights:

*CSS get the award for most creative set. it was noon, and they had trees dancing on stage and there was a rainbow spandex suit over another spandex suit, all in all--awesome. they're great quote "this is the greatest day of our lives dancing with these trees onstage."
*regina specktor was only more than i hoped for. she was the opposite of amywinehouse, SO excited to be there and she had a cute little purple ruber snake.
*Panic! at the disco! and spoon were both really great sets that i didn't realize i was looking forward to.
*the yeah yeah yeahs held their position in my books. NOBODY rocks out like karen O. it just doesn't happen. i want to very badly, i think i may need more eyeliner and better tights.
*The crystal method was insanity. three words: sweat, heat, adreniline.
*Interpol put on a good show from the 2 songs i saw of it, but i was pretty much not paying attention and using the time to soak in the rain and relax after the crystal method
*Smashing Pumpkins was cool too see.. yea billy corgan! I like your shirt! i'm not gonna lie... when he said "the world is a vampire" i agreed and tried to show it despite my body rejecting itself by this point.
*311 put on a great show and you knew everyone in the crowd was having just a stupid good time. most amusing parts of this show: the dude running around in the back hitting everyone's butt and going straight up wild.

all in all the weekend was totally awesome, i couldn't have rocked harder or my body would have cracked into pieces. we ended the night going to eat at a place called paper moon with creepy dolls and toys glued all over the walls in the creepiest fashion i've ever seen. The place is 24/7 and i'm convinced it is so due to the fact that they are terrified these creatures will come to life if they close. picture it this way: the spiderbaby contraption from toy story along with all the other toys that creepy kid made everywhere all over the walls staring at you. good food. just creepy.

v-fest: take one

2007-08-04T23:57:00.000-05:00

so here are some of the basics of day one:

*the fratellis rock my socks off
*sasha and digweed caused us all to maniac (a sort of dance) for a good hour or so... earning us some new friends and causing us all to lose at least 2 lbs of water as sweat and like 8000 calories
*amy winehouse was SO not interested in being there and as much as i love her voice and her music... she lost a little respect for her performance. don't get my wrong, vocally it was not a bad performance. she just didn't wanna be there... biggest disappointment of the day goes to her.
*sting sorta reminds me of kevin jones
*i really wanted to see modest mouse a little more but by the end of the night i practically passed out from lack of water and food and too much heat
*the beastie boys, gray hair or not, rock so many times over...
*the lead singer of incubus reminded me so much of pauly shore, that i had to stop watching the screen and just dance because i was convinced he was gonna turn around and say something like "you likes?!" after each song
*lets just say we got so dirty i would have been better off wearing mud for shoes.

oh baby, i'm so tired.. i'm waiting for the laundry to finish so we can go to sleep, wake up and do it all over again. OH YEAH!!!

it rocks.. i really don't think there is another word that better fits out.

inspirational posters and tea

2007-07-27T12:22:00.000-05:00

today is the first day of the rest of your life...
sure... its a poster we all saw in elementary school with a picture of a lion on it... or a road... or whatever inspirational photo the people at the i-make-inspirational-posters-headquarters decided on. but every now and then, that lion or road or whatever it was will haunt you. you wake up and you think... "shit. today is the first day of the rest of my life" no, i didn't think that this morning, as a matter of fact i didn't wake up this morning, but had i woken up and not been awake studying, i would have thought a phrase that goes a little more like "today is the last day of the past of my life" i'd been dreading and waiting for this week all summer. finished classes... and i was supposed to be done completely, but of course... my mcat earlier this week had a bit of an IT computer crash tech problem and i'll be retaking it in about 2 weeks on vacation in baltimore... but other than that... small burden lifted, heavier one climbing into its place.

its time to be a big girl. get life together... get the big girl job... apply for the next level... finish things, and get things started. its a very weird feeling.

we don't really ever know where we're going to be tomorrow or who's gonna be hanging out with us when we are figuring it out. but all in all, it should be an interesting ride.

we've only got one life... if we keep waiting to live it, it'll pass us by... so move to london if that's what you want to do... go back to school and be a botanist if that is what you want to wake up every morning doing... make sure when you are waking up, you aren't saying "today is the first day of the rest of my life" rather be saying "it friggin rocks that i get to do what i do today"

the perfect summer evening

2007-07-13T23:50:00.000-05:00

so here it is... of course i should be studying. i've intermittently slept 4 hours in the last 50-some hours... oh that sounds familiar. rather than pass out when i got home, i decided rather to ride the wave... keep going... and have an evening of doing something that I want to do...something to relax by... and what did i end up doing? thats right, i ended up sitting down, listening to NPR podcasts, and clipping newspaper articles and catching up on some information seeking and stories i've been needing to read. we all need our quiet time, personal time, at least i do. And having NPR, and a newspaper and whatnot was just what the doctor ordered to get me through the next weeks.

1 year ago, kathleen got married... wow that went by fast. geez.
10 days until my MCAT.
100 times i've tried finishing this blog and have fallen asleep.

summer.goals

2007-06-24T09:56:00.000-05:00

in one summer, i have a lot to accomplish.

1. ace the MCAT.
2. finish organic chem 1 and 2 and physics to fix my past mistakes.
2a. master all biological sciences
2b. master all physical sciences
2c. master all other sciences
3. teach stella to shake
4. be good and take all my medicine and vitamins
5. fix my laptop
6. memorize all the lyrics that i don't already know to every song by every band i want to see at v-fest
7. become an underwater basketweaving champion
8. fix my curtain rod and curtains so my apartment doesn't look quite so ghetto
9. fix my screen where stella tried to commit suicide and jump out the window.psychodog.
10. rearrange my apartment again
11. get a "big girl" job at a hospital or lab
12. erase a few things
13. write 1 poem every night
14. tan
15. work out
16. make the greatest dance and party cd known to man
17. make the greatest 80s and 90s dance and party cd known to man
18. take down my ceiling
19. summer cleaning
20. reteach myself flash... again
21. teach stella to do her rubber chicken/snake in the grass routine on command
22. shampoo my carpet
23. dye my hair aquamarine green
24. convince elie to come to baltimore or at least tell me where he's going in canada so i can stalk him there
25. go for a walk in the rain
26. fall in love, fall out of love, get another punch on my card
27. be fabulous, diet, study, and hope it goes by fast enough i don't forget what the outside world is like

stella artois and the forbidden summer of fun

2007-06-14T00:41:00.000-05:00

is it summer? i wouldn't know... i don't even realize whether its weekend or weekday or day or night or whatever comes in between those. here i am again, pretty much where i was one year ago, smashing away at the MCAT while trying to master scheduling in doing amazing in two summer courses, volunteering and working. all in all... i'm busy. and i've been terrible at keeping up with this. my baby puppy mishka died a couple weeks ago and the far too young age of 11.5 years old... and out of nowhere, just as i decided i would wait a long while before getting another dog, a little puppy waltzed into my apartment (fell over into it more like) and was a practical carbon copy of my first baby... she's a sweetheart and apartment perfect. for all of you who keep saying "she'll never be mishka" no of course she wont... but shes wonderful too, and she can't be mishka because she's miss stella artois... and stella is sorta like... the puppy mishka sent to take care of me. :)

i have one month. one month to pull it all together, to perform. to prove myself to the MCAT, to the med schools, and to myself. maybe i don't get a real summer... but i do get a real year. a year i didn't think i was ever going to be able to have... i will be working, volunteering, playing with my dog, and having a non-academic life...it'll be a nice break, and hopefully get me sick enough of it to become motivation to do amazing in med school... on top of that, i'm starting it all off by going to V-fest in B-more.

wish me luck... and if you want to hang out at all, bring a book and come hang out at the library that was once my apartment.

surprise of surprise

2007-05-05T18:45:00.000-05:00

namaste

2007-04-19T21:48:00.000-05:00

namaste is a hindu expression which has many meanings in context... here are a few of them:

The Spirit in me meets the same Spirit in you.
I greet that place where you and I are one.
I salute the Light of life in you.
I receive the free spirit in you.
I recognize that within each of us is a place where peace dwells, and when we are in that place, we are One.
My energy salutes your energy.
The life in me sees and honors the life in you.
May the life within you be strong.
The light within me sees and honors the light within you.

we're so sheltered in america... there are wars going on in other countries every day, but we don't see it, we don't feel it... at least not on a daily basis... perhaps its on the news, but we learned to tune that out years ago when our fathers had it on all night long...

12 years ago, on april 19, 2005-- i was a little fourth grader on the way to a building very near to the alfred p. murrah building.... i'm pretty sure i have the full story of that day elsewhere on this blog... and when the bus i was on jumped, and we were informed there was a bomb, not one of our little fourth grade minds could fathom what actually happened. Here we are again... mid-april... and we can't fathom what has happened, in another small college town, very similar to my own norman... the quiet kid in class that no one ever would have suspected ended the lives of 33 people he didn't have anything to do with... Beautiful, smart, senior-itis infected, or fresh-to-college wided-eyed kids. We never realize it could happen to us-- until it does... and then we just can't understand it...

i know this may sound a little wierd, but its something that has sorta stuck with me in my head. in eighth grade, we read this poem about a mushroom that was quietly looked over every day, until one day he got a whole mushroom army together and conquered the world. the moral of the poem was something along the lines of don't disregard the quiet ones, they'll take over the world... or that they are plotting... or they're terrifying... anyhow... scary quiet mushroom army... we used to make fun of the poem saying things like "oh...so and so is being quiet in class... they may be plotting to take over the world... beware!" yeah, we were dorks... anyhow... that poem sorta came into my mind again when i heard about Cho Seung-Hui. Quiet kid, dark writing, but no darker than anything the video games all the kids plays has instilled. then all of a sudden, he cracks, and kills himself, proving nothing, because all we know is he was on a blood-mission... there was no point... if he was sick of being overlooked, he would have done better doing a tap dance in front of the buildings, then he would have been alive for everyone to recognize him.

its scary... its scary to think of how we interact with people and whether we disregard them or whatever... how that really affects them in the longrun... and what those desperate people are capable of doing.

virginia tech... i've never been there, i know some people who have gone there, i've seen the faces of those murdered, and although i've been in the surprising situation as well, where too many people die for no reason at all, its still unfathomable to me.

students at virginia tech-- i hope you can go on from classroom to classroom in peace... i hope you will keep the memories of your wonderful friends alive... and i hope you will see that we are all against this vicious and ugly murder... and i hope you will begin to speak out against murder and war in all senses and all over the war. its never okay and its never going to be understood.

so... may the life within you be strong.

namaste.

falling far out of sight

2007-04-15T17:46:00.000-05:00

insecurities can be overwhelming. they can destroy connections, they can destroy relationships, they can destroy people. truly know the people you associate with, otherwise misinterpretation can ruin you both. i have a tendancy to watch people. i have an obsession to communicate. i have more insecurities than anyone will ever know about. and the times that this becomes obvious are when you are making yourself something you are not-- when you put yourself out there where you shouldn't be, and you know you shouldn't be there and you are hurt and insecure, but you stay, and you think there is something wrong with you. then all of a sudden you are standing at a bar and you look back at your table, and you notice your toes aren't cold anymore, your arms aren't crossed, the people looking back at you love you for who you are, for what you look like, for what you believe. they love you more for your faults, your insanity, for you, the love they exude makes you warm, makes you belong. you are all of a sudden completely comfortable and you look in the mirror behind that table and for the first time in what seems like an eternity, you don't hate what you see staring back at you, maybe you even like it.

what i love about the hilo, and i tell everyone this, is that there is no judgement there. the quiet kid in the corner isn't creepy, the guy with the crazy hair dancing to whatever song is playing on the jukebox is just satisfied with life and letting himself free, the table of people laughing are inviting and interacting with anyone who passes by or doesn't. its like one big comfort zone whether you've never been there or you are a regular. i wish i could take the atmosphere i feel when i'm there elsewhere with me.

maybe the girl who didn't say hello was worried you were busy and she didn't want to interrupt you, maybe she was scared you wouldn't return her hello, maybe she didn't want to make you uncomfortable, maybe she tried and you just missed her subtle motions, maybe she was hurt, maybe she thinks she doesn't belong, maybe she's just misunderstood and maybe if you said hi to her, you'd make her night.

i'm tired of everything that surrounds me... maybe it would have been better for me to leave this year... get away from everything, but i've already made the decision to stay, and i can't change that... so... here i am. i'm losing my mind... i'm losing you... i'm losing myself...

"i want to leave today... the sky is big and my life is small" -vast

some pig

2007-03-10T15:39:00.000-06:00

check out the vocab from the old school charlotte's web seriously... it explains a lot... we don't have lyrics like these anymore...especially for little kid's movies.

I can talk
I can talk
I can actually, factually talk
Isn’t is great, that I articulate
Isn’t it grand, that you can understand?
I don’t grunt, I don’t oink, I don’t even squeak or squawk
If I wanna say a something, I open up and talk
I can talk, I can talk talk talk, I can talk

I’m popped with perspicacity
I’m loaded with loquacity
My vocalized veracity is tops
Grammatically each pit of me is the verbalized epitome
My plethora of patter never stops

Isn’t is great, that I articulate
Isn’t it grand, that you can understand?
I don’t whock, I don’t wheak, I don’t even sqeak or squack
When I wanna say a something, I open up and talk
I can talk, I can talk talk talk, I can talk

Its wondrous and mystical
Im hardly egotistical
Because of this linguistical aplomb

But speaking quite pragmatically
My self esteem emphatically
Dramatically improved since I was dumb

Isn’t is great, that I articulate
Isn’t it grand, that you can understand
I don’t honk, I don’t heek, I don’t even squeak or squawk
When I wanna say a something, I open up and talk
I can talk, I can talk talk talk, I can…

Spoken: (sheep) – why don’t you keep it down

I can talk!

Oh yeah, I'm fine.

2007-03-06T23:32:00.000-06:00

So here I am... just as i expected, i'm nowhere i expected to be. I got the interview, I'm graduating, blah blah blah... but then, i didn't get in, rejected--not waitlisted. Mishka is going to die in a couple of weeks, and its like i'm losing my best friend. Shes been there with me for everything... blah blah shes a dog, shes more than that.. i mean... shes been in the family half as long as i have... There have been other disappoints, other shortcomings, and other good times. people have come and people have gone, hearts broken, hearts won. And here i am... but i'm not upset... this year was given to me as an opportunity, and i'm going to take it for all its worth. on that note... i'll leave you with this song... Lily Allen knows whats on my mind, and this song is perfect for me right now... i'll give more explaination as things unravel. I'm just content for the time being-- and actually sorta happy i didn't get into med school this year. it explains how i feel about you, and me, and about everything in between... i suggest you download the song as well.

Everything's Just Wonderful - Lily Allen

Do you think, everything, everyone, is going mental,
It seems to me that it's spiraling outta control and it's inevitable,
Now don't you think,
This time is yours, this time is mine,
Its temperamental,
It seems to me, we're on all fours,
Crawling on our knees,
Someone help us please

Oh Jesus Christ almighty,
Do I feel alright? No not slightly,
I wanna get a flat I know I can't afford it,
It's just the bureaucrats who won't give me a mortgage,
Well it's very funny cos I got your fucking money,
And I'm never gonna get it just because of my bad credit
Oh well I guess I mustn't grumble,
I suppose that's just the way the cookie crumbles.

Oh yeah, I'm fine,
Everything's just wonderful,
I'm having the time of my life.

Don't you want something else,
Something new, than what we've got here,
And don't you feel it's all the same,
Some sick game and it's not insincere,
I wish I could change the ways of the world,
Make it a nice place
Until that day, I guess we stay,
Doing what we do
Screwing who we screw

Why can't I sleep at night,
Don't say it's gonna be alright,
I wanna be able to eat spaghetti bolognaise,
and not feel bad about it for days and days and days.
In the magazines they talk about weight loss,
If I buy those jeans I can look like Kate Moss,
Oh no it's not the life I chose,
But I guess that's the way that things go.

state of the union THE GAME

2007-01-23T21:06:00.001-06:00

we should really make the state of the union into a drinking game...

-when everyone claps: everyone has to drink for as long as the claps continue
-everytime he does the puppy-dog blinky face: everyone has to take 2 drinks if he's look right 3 drinks if he's looking left and 5 drinks if he's looking straight ahead
-everytime he says terrist: any arabs have to drink
-every time he mispronounced a word: everyone has to take as many drinks as difference of the syllable change (i.e. terrorist is three syllables terrist is one syllable therefore everyone would have to take 2 drinks)
-everytime dick cheney falls asleep, the oldest half of the people in the room have to take a drink
-everytime bush repeats a word everyone has to take a drink
-everytime you think bush is lying about what he plans on doing... you drink
-every heart warming story gets a drink
-oh and every time someone in the room has a coughing fit... everyone has to drink for as long as it lasts

i could go on and on with these rules... but if you survive this far in the game... then... dammit... you win... but you probably wont have much of a liver left...

reacquaintance and the iceocolypse

2007-01-14T12:19:00.000-06:00

sometimes it sounds like snow, and it looks like snow, and when you step on it, you expect that you are making an effect like you would in snow...but you turn around and not one track can be seen.

sounds like an ice storm... but its not so rare an occurance when you think about it.

here we are... reunion weekend... with no reunions going on due to an "iceocolypse" that is supposed impending doom, but all in all, not so bad as of right now. what does this all mean? it means a reacquaintance... i have to get used to myself all over again. how weird is that?

it's a new year. a lot is changing, a lot is staying the same, and i will make an honest attempt to realize all of it.

a webster hall new years

2007-01-03T09:00:00.000-06:00

night of the living deadweak

2006-12-07T15:15:00.000-06:00

In the last five days:

96,485: Faraday's constant
6480: approximate number of minutes until my first final begins
1760: number of total points i need in quantitative analysis
397: number of times i've thought about my winderchill mix and thanked my lucky stars that at least somaFM on itunes has a similar feel
107: number of pages of notes are spread all over my rooms and walls
53: approximate number of hours spend studying and writing papers
31: number of consecutive hours i have been awake and working like a mad woman as of 18 minutes ago
27: number of times i've wanted to go pepper-spray the construction workers outside for being so loud while i'm trying to study/write/sleep(which would be possible now if not for them)
19: number of times i've lost feeling in my body
17: number of days left until christmas, of which i've thus far done nothing in the arena of preparation for...
15: number of hours of sleep i've gotten
11: number of times the weather has drasticall changed
8: number of hours i have to work tomorrow
7: number of days left until my finals are finished
6: number of pens that have actually run out of me this week... cheap stupid pens.
5: number of zombie-like shades of colors my skin has turned
4: number of tests still to come in the next week
3: number of papers i've written
2: number of tests i've taken
1: number of headaches i've gotten
0: time left until my nap

i would say come rescue me, but i don't have time for that, i need to study. :)
good luck with all of you who have finals, and to the rest of you who do not... good luck in dealing with those of us who do.

"you're either with us or against us" rant

2006-11-29T19:02:00.000-06:00

so, this week, i've been writing a series of papers for my US and the Middle East relations class... i previously had knowledge of iraq and neoconservatives and US foreign policy, as i've minored in it and have studied it fairly intensively for almost 4 years now... but honestly... i don't think i had any idea of the extent of what is going on... and i don't blame this on a lack of information or studying... i think this had to do a lot with the fact that i'm not sure i hold the capacity to believe that people can actually have the beliefs that i have found to be the dogma of a neoconservative government.

Quoting an article i read today, to a neocon, a perfect world would be one in which:
1.the United States is the unchallenged superpower, immune to threats
2.the US would maintain an empire of sorts by helping to create democratic, economically liberal governments in place of "failed states" or oppressive regimes they deem threatening to the US or its interests
3.the entire Middle East would be democratized in the belief that this would eliminate a prime breeding ground for terrorists.
4.the world can only achieve peace through strong US leadership backed with credible force, not weak treaties to be disrespected by tyrants.
5.Any regime that is outwardly hostile to the US and could pose a threat would be confronted aggressively, not "appeased" or merely contained.
6.The US military would be reconfigured around the world to allow for greater flexibility and quicker deployment to hot spots in the Middle East, as well as Central and Southeast Asia.
7.The US would spend more on defense, particularly for high-tech, precision weaponry that could be used in preemptive strikes.
8.It would work through multilateral institutions such as the United Nations when possible, but must never be constrained from acting in its best interests whenever necessary.

maybe its just me... but that is a terrifying dogma. Already the US acts as it wishes with or without the United Nation's approval. (remember the beginning of the iraqi war? yeah... the UN did not support that at all, but did that stop anyone?) The forces of the UN in iraq throughout the war thus far have been small, but what presence was there was discounted. The United States has already not accepted the Committee Against Torture (CAT) and now, elbow-deep in an iraqi catastrophe, there is no respect for civilian life, no communication, and no turning back... the plan is to keep on with the original plan of democratizing all governments in the middle east... i don't even understand why they would want to do this... with the behavior displayed by the US thus far, Anti-American sentiments are higher than ever, people aren't against democracy, just american foreign policy; however, if democracy was to become an institution in each of the middle eastern states, the countries would reach an even greater height of non-cooperation with america. why? b/c in a true democracy, majority opinion is what is represented and the majority of any place would not be American approved or Pro-America.

I'm watching The world fall apart... Iraq, shattered; Lebanon, shattered; West Bank and Gaza, still shattered... these are the places of the beginnings of civilization, beautiful countries with beautiful cultures and beautiful people, all falling into shambles... and it makes me want to scream and cry and throw a 3-year-old's tantrum.

This movement of neoconservativism is terrifying... as it grows and discounts the United Nations, it turns into everything it is supposedly fighting for. It becomes a WORLDWIDE authoritative dictator. What is the difference between any "evil" dictator of history and these Neocon idealists? crushing anything that may interfere with their self-interests including use of extreme force... the United Nations must not only be respected but must be the highest authority on the planet. Peace isn't decided and kept by one nation... it is decided on by a compromise of all cultures and people, everyone working together. World peace can only be attained by a more powerful organisation of United Nations. If this was the reality, then genocides like that which occured in Rwanda could be opposed more easily and effectively. And yes, i think even an israeli-palestinian peace could be more readily attained if Israel wasn't backed whole-heartedly by 'the World dominator'. How can a person face the american people and make a speech, convincing them that they are saving the Iraqis, that they are liberator, while they turn their back on dictatorship and genocide elsewhere. shut up... seriously... if democracy is all america wants, why hasn't it bothered Saudi Arabia or Jordan, two major countries ruled authoritatively by a royal family? oh, what was that you say? they cooperate with america and Saudi agreed to house billions of dollars of military equipment and bases to make America's deployment elsewhere in Eurasia fast and easier... no... that would be silly... we are religious(oops, i mean secular),right(oops, i mean moral),and tolerant(well, as long as you agree with us, that is) humanitarians, working to uphold democratic ideas (ours only) throughout the world. geez... how silly am i... i think i'll go hop in my SUV and get two supersized mcdonalds meals (one to throw away and one to keep) and go cuddle up in with big brother and watch a few healthy brainwashing hours of fox news... yeah... that sounds like fun... and hell... as americans, we deserve it... keeping peace and saving backwards countries and their people is a hard and tiring job... we're heros...it really is a shame that it's all in vain... i mean... all those muslims are going to hell anyways, right?

god, i hate ignorance. the world has gone mad, and its a frustrating and sad thing.

on a more positive note, i'm so happy with how the comedy fundraiser went on monday. The Arab Student Association, Students for Peace in Palestine, and the Arabic Club raised 500 dollars for a hospital in southern lebanon. That warmed my heart just a little bit... i only hope we keep it up and do more...

docBlog

2006-11-22T03:50:00.000-06:00

so everything around me is changing... who knows where i'll be in one year... sure, you can say that every year, but honestly... in 1 year... i might still be in oklahoma, i might be elsewhere... i might be in medical school or maybe i'm just working in a lab or something else... everything is so unsure in my future, more so than with most graduates i think, and i say that because all graduates are anxious when they are graduating of what will happen next... but i have nothing... i have given myself a certain path, but whether or not there is a giant roadblock there right now, i don't know... i do know one thing... i want to be a doctor... i want to be a doctor with everything i've got, and i'm terrified right now...

its sorta like blowing on one of those weeds with the little white stems and then they go everywhere, but no one really knows where they will land and take root... or just keep flying, or make it to the ground, but not at the wrong time... then she will just have to try again.

foggy norman

2006-11-07T02:30:00.000-06:00

foggy norman made me think of you...

concert list

2006-10-31T10:52:00.000-06:00

the follow is a working list of the concerts i have a desire to attend in november. if anyone has any interest in attending any of these with me... please apply within:

9th - Regina Spektor - Gypsy Tea Room, Dallas - $15
10th - Rachael yamagata - Gypsy Tea Room, Dallas - $15
16th - Islands (ex. Unicorns) - Opolix, Norman - $12
19th - Jurrassic 5 - Cain's Ballroom, Tulsa - $?
22nd - Lady Sovereign - Gypsy Tea Room, Dallas - $15

that's all i got for now...

tid-bits

2006-10-26T00:40:00.000-05:00

perhaps some bridges are better burned. you can always find another way around. obviously someone before you did, or the bridge would have never been built in the first place.

whatever problems either me or you or anyone else discloses to the outside... are only tip of the iceburg.

sometimes in life... you are given a moment, and you know that its your last of the kind for a long long time. and you get to hold in that moment... and its perfect but really upsetting, because you know its gonna be over... next thing you know the phone rings.

the worst headache is the small persisting one that haunts you indefinitely.

even if you wear a wig, a mask, and a costume on halloween... its still the same person going to the masquerade.

don't get scared when you look in the mirror, but if you do... don't stop looking...

find out how many buyer's guides will fit in your mailbox. but don't let this study hinder your space for possible secondary med school applications.

no one ever stays... but then... no one ever really leaves either do they?

impacts

2006-10-23T00:03:00.000-05:00

we never realize the impact people have on us until they're gone... and sometimes, we find out the impression we left on them. its comforting to know that sometimes we aren't just another breeze drifting by and forgotten, but rather something that is remembered, something that made an impact...

its nice to know that someone thinks of you when they go somewhere or see something... often we think that once we're not in someones life consistently, we disappear from their minds... its nice to know that isn't the case.

i think leaving an impression on people is as important as any task that can be done. a lot of us are afraid that once we "expire" we are gone and forgotten and that is that... the impact we leave on people is as equivalent of leaving your mark on earth as any great task that can be done. i mean... when we have aspirations of doing something great to leave a mark on earth, we're just trying to impact as many peoples lives as possible, guaranteeing eternal life through impressions, right?

oh no.

2006-10-03T23:41:00.000-05:00

i think i'm gonna throw up.

half-life fads

2006-09-27T21:11:00.001-05:00

mouse count: 4

so it turns out that i'm a fad... people meet me... i'm new and different... refreshing... people are somehow able to be themselves around me... but then... the half-lives start kicking in... and the fad fades out... i'm always there... into infinity... but somehow i get smaller and smaller and i just fade away...
phase one= "favorite toy phase" you play the game every waking moment, you miss it and think about it when you aren't with it, you love it and its the best time you've every had.
phase two= "show and tell phase" you don't play the game all the time... but when it comes up you tell people that don't know that you have the game... and you bring it around to show them... you monopolize it when the they come over to play... because its still your favorite game.
phase three="closet space phase" you're really busy and don't really think about the game that much... and eventually you're cleaning one day... and you really just don't have room for the game anymore... you'll see it when you shove other things in the closet with it... and you'll think... i should play with that some time... *smirk* and go about
phase four="remember that one game? phase" game's still there... but not played with... just remembered that it was fun one time... a lot of fun... but that was a long time ago...

so i've got half-lives... never fully disappearing... but fading slowly... i'm the old favorite game... and i'm the passing fad.

don't get me wrong here... this sorta sounds depressing... but its not... i'm not upset about this. it actually helped me a lot... i was able to let go of things that i had been holding on to... they moved on and so should i... i was holding on to nothing and this little realization helped me to get that...

:) it's getting better all the time

privacy invasion

2006-09-23T01:42:00.000-05:00

gmail is creepy. so i realized this today after katie, one of my pharmacists, pointed this out to me... and i varified it was true... gmail finds keywords in the emails we send and filters "sponsered advertisements" to those keywords... for example... one of my recent emails discussed college entrance essays and MCAT scores, and i had a bunch of advertisements on the side of my bar offering MCAT studying, writing improvement, etc. i'm sorry that's just creepy.

so here's my question...

how far should advertisers go? how far should companies dig into your privacy to specialize results to your specific interests? is this helpful or just creepy?

er... i suppose it could be helpful... but honestly... i just feel a little violated. supposedly they are not providing other companies with my person information provided in emails... but who's to say that if they aren't now... what going to stop them? and yes, i know blogger is in sync with google... it just still all creeps me out. i just thought i'd let you all in on something i realized today...and see what you all thought of this as well...

presenting to the jury

2006-09-15T23:16:00.000-05:00

exhibit a. i'm in a class called US and the middle east. and one of my professors told us a story of a class he took while in college... the class was something along the lines of israeli history or jewish history... and the professor walks up to the front of the room the first day of class and says simply, "by a show of hands, who thinks it could happen again?" everyone in the room except the two white kids in the room, my prof being one of those kids, raises their hand.

could what happen? well... that answer is clear. obviously the professor was talking about the holocaust. and went on to suggest a certain level of uncertainty and fear expressed by israeli/jewish people, and how their level of "security" is a direct reflection of that fear.

now... here's the catch... how can you pose the question "could it happen again." the could in this sentance suggests a future possible occurance... it IS happening... its happening all over the world. its happening right in front of their eyes, only this time its not their specific ethnicity. its even caused by many of them. I am a firm believer that israeli and jewish people should be at the forefront of a war AGAINST violence and pushing people from their homes. they know what its like, how painful and unfair it is... so how could they be so blind? how could they ask if it could happen again, when its all around them. i dislike selfishness.

please don't get me wrong. I don't hate jewish people or israeli people. i'm not anti-semetic... this is impossible, as arabs are a semetic people as well... my passport says israeli citizen... and i have jewish friends. i dislike violent people.

exhibit b. i attended a lecture on tuesday presented by an israeli professor. He was against violence in the middle east and i really appreciated his lecture. it was realistic. no one can get rid of anyone else. its not going to happen. a compromise must be found... towards the end of the lecture, as questions were allowed on the floor, a certain sir expressed his opionion that an example must be made... arabs must be taught respect and nothing else can ever solve the conflict. they are merely terrorist that want nothing but death to israelis and israel...

now really? no. they are all in all a peaceful people. what THEY want is justice. their homes back... peace... not having to live in fear or discrimination... arabs have a strong tie to their family and land... these are things that have been taken away from them... just like the jewish people during the holocaust. so why are jews/israelis protecting themselves and arabs are committing hostile acts of terror. i dislike double standards.

exhibit c. i was watching an interview on sky news that i blogged about previously, i believe... anyhow, one of the arguments made was in regards to perspective. sure, america and israel views hezbollah and hamas and other organizations as terrorist organizations... but if you swith glasses and look at it as a person expelled from say... your home in the west bank... or maybe you are just a resident in the region, perhaps a civilian in the recently devastated lebanon, and see the happenings that occur each day... you would probably view israel and america as the terrorists... attacking civilians everyday for whatever "cause". i dislike closed-minded individuals.

you be the jury.(i loved those books growing up)

throw out the leftovers

2006-08-30T00:12:00.000-05:00

at what point do you give up friends for beliefs? or should it be instantaneous in any situation? those you are closest to should have the same ideals as you, correct? is that not one of the main connections between people? but then you have to consider differences as beauty, as the stuff that makes us special... unique... and the acceptance and tolerance of other people, especially friends is a foundation for friendship, is it not?

so at what point do you end a friendship, no matter how strong, based on deviation from values you hold dear and true? and if you do this, will there really be anyone left to be a friend?

difficult thought...

giant baby steps

2006-08-23T01:18:00.000-05:00

While at work today, i began thinking about the different people who have influenced me-- people i trust and/or that i would want to recommend me to the medical board for medical school. i believe i will choose 4 as references, although, there is not as far as i could see today, a place for references on the page, i'm pretty sure i need them. anyhow, i haven't decided but the following is a list of influential people that i am considering:

High School:

Melissa Lehmann
although the people i talk to think that using a high school teacher as a reference is silly, this is a teacher that is honestly the reason i went into microbiology and decided to become a docter, without her support and influence, i really would be doing advertising, politics, or some other thing. She was my first anatomy teacher and would allow me extra time to come in and focus on dissections, etc. She really had a passion for teaching and for anatomy, and she really cared about her students. she really made a huge impact on my decision, so i feel it would be appropriate to have her referral.

Jim Waddelow
i will most likely not be using waddelow because the field of music is a bit far off from medical sciences and high school is a reference i am trying to avoid in general. I would consider him for the fact that he is a teacher that knows me very well and could vouch for dedication, leadership, yada yada yada...

College:
the problem with college references is that most of my important classes for medical school are huge, hurting my chances for a teacher that knows me well enough to write a good recommendation.

Dr. Tracy
i will most likely use Dr. Tracy. I think she's really brilliant and i loved her class. I think the class i took with her is appropriate (History of Modern Medicine) and as it was a discussion class, i think she got a nice feel for how i work and how much i appreciate and find interest in medicine.

Dr. Al-Hawary
I had Dr. Al-Hawary for 2 full years of school... He was my Arabic professor, my arabic lit professor and my middle eastern studies advisor. I think we have enough of a personal relationship that he could easily write me a nice recommendation.

Other:

Paul Skierkowski (p-ski)
this is one of the pharmacist i work with. He has also been a professor and has a PhD. I think paul is probably a great writer, and has worked with me long enough to know my strengths, he realized i'm not an idiot, and i think he would really write me a great recommendation.

Charla Bohnert
this is my boss/head pharmacist. Charla knows my competance and could vouch for my work ethic and dedication. i think it would be healthy to have my boss write me a recommend, but i'm not sure.

Saba Bahouth
Family friend that is a professor at the university of oklahoma, Phd. He's known me since i was little and could do me justice.

Miziana Abyad
i'm not sure whether or not they would appreciate a peer recommendation, but if they are interested in anything like that, then mizi would be the one for it. she knows me completely and has seen me work over the years from the AP tests in high school through the MCAT studying last week.

this list is still growing, and is really only on this blog for my personal benefit, however, if you care enough to read it, power to you.

its so weird that i'm applying to medical school right now, putting in my courses, the schools i want to apply to, all the info... just made it so serious. it's really kinda terrifying and so final.

i have to write an essay soon. so i'm going to bed now so i can store up my charm for that.

running for my life

2006-08-15T20:22:00.000-05:00

i'm in this rut.

my heart is racing.
i get no sleep.
i study.
sex and the city is my dinner partner.
i'm all anxiety.

its almost over.

then there is about 8 weeks when i don't breathe... and next, the rollercoaster starts all over again.

i'm really tired of this, but there is nothing else i can do right? its sorta like i'm running from some serial killer... i'm running for my life... and i'm so exhausted of running, but i know that if i stop running... i'll be caught and die.. so i only have one choice right? keep running.

cedars falling

2006-08-12T13:13:00.000-05:00

when i was younger, i had a little white cassette tape, and although i couldn't read the writing on it, i knew the tape and i listened to it over and over. The tape consisted of a group of children, singing songs about life, some were cute about be a "little angel and a little star" and some were devastating, asking for their childhood back, which was stripped away by war. when i asked my mother the group name, she told me "atfal." that seems utterly appropriate, as its not a specific group of children, but all children, any children. all children want to dance around singing about being a star one day, all children want to enjoy life with their friends, and any child would be devastated to have all that taken away. I wish to god that i could find that tape, or collection of songs now, but hours of searching have been fruitless.

the devastation that is war going on in the middle east right now is not okay. its not justified. Of course i worry about my family and the rockets being dropped on their hometown of nazareth as well as haifa, tiberias, and all the other citites in israel... but at the same time, i think israel's "retaliation" is... well... its bullshit. not only had they already planned this very attack for 5 years, but why in god's name are you destroying the infrastructure of an entire country because of a front of 2 soldiers dying. that doesn't happen, revealing Israel's preconceived plans. this is a video i hope anyone who reads this will watch. George Galloway is arguing with a skynews television reporter, and his arguments are those which are rarely broadcast. this is a british program, but the frustration he goes through and the struggle to get his opinions across is one we face everyday here in america (especially oklahoma) sure, i'm biased as well, but at the same time not really. i don't agree with war in general. how can i be biased? my own family has been close to attack from the hezbollah rockets... but i don't support one member of the israeli military force.

he makes some excellent arguments, stating, that this is ISRAEL infact invading LEBANON and not vice versa, and beyond that, please think beyond 4 weeks ago when trying to figure out what all this war is about. please realize that although many people don't support hezbollah, they do support their causes... even if every member of the hezbollah party were killed by israel in the next 2 weeks, nothing would be accomplished. you can't kill the sparkle of hope in the eyes of a palestinian that they will have their land back. you can't kill that determination. you couldn't do it with the jewish people after world war 2, they achieved their goals, and wont give it up, why would another people, of the same blood and region even, give up their goals, and their home?

no. if hezbollah is crushed in the next few weeks, nothing will come of it. because the resistance isn't in hezbollah, it isn't in any extremist group or isolated country. it is in the hearts of the arab people, and has spread into the hearts of the just people of the world. the people who loathe and oppose hate. the people who have seen the atrocities committed against the arab people, the palestinian people, these peaceful, civilian people.

if you want to learn more about the actual history beyond these people, try some of the following books:

we belong to the land (Chacour)
A concise history of the palestinian-israeli conflict (Bickerton)
Operation Peace for Galilee: the Israeli-PLO War in Lebanon (Gabriel)

or if you care more for my own research and opinions, i can lend you the books and/or papers i have written.

throw away that key!

2006-08-09T00:38:00.000-05:00

i'm pushing myself. its hard, but who said it would be easy? i thought organic chemistry was going to be the worst part... yeah, turns out i was wrong, physics wins. i don't understand and it is taking all efforts to not pick the book up and throw it across the room... its so frustrating when i can do something a thousand times and still not understand it. totally logical right? so why can't i do it!?

i've officially finished 2002 chemistry problems in the last week, and i thought THAT made me restless. i can't wait to get to biology. that just makes sense to me. this stuff... well lets just say... i'm hoping for a physical sciences miracle... which according to newton, just isn't going to happen.

i need to be locked in a room with these books. anyone have a spare box with a lock or five on the outside and a key that they are willing to throw away?

logic v rationale

2006-08-05T15:44:00.000-05:00

log·ic
n.

The study of the principles of reasoning, especially of the structure of propositions as distinguished from their content and of method and validity in deductive reasoning.
1. A system of reasoning: Aristotle's logic.
2. A mode of reasoning: By that logic, we should sell the company tomorrow.
3. The formal, guiding principles of a discipline, school, or science.
Valid reasoning: Your paper lacks the logic to prove your thesis.
The relationship between elements and between an element and the whole in a set of objects, individuals, principles, or events: There's a certain logic to the motion of rush-hour traffic.

i've decided its absolutely irrational to say someone is illogical. how can any one person be the decisive factor is saying what is and isn't the proper deducement of a conclusion? perhaps in physical and mathematical sciences, a more absolute path to a more absolute answer is possible. but when it comes to a person's thoughts and emotions, no label of "logical or illogical" can be used. i can accept irrational, because the word irrational denotes more of a bias/opinion. but illogical... there is no way in psychological terms to objectively deem a thought process logical or not. example...we'll say person A is over-analytical and paranoid. person B is a more straight to the point sort of person. person B may think person A is completely illogical in their train of thought, and may laugh at their... ridiculosity, if you will... but if you put yourself in person A's shoes, and go through each step, the conclusion may seem perfectly reasonable. in the opposite situation, person A may consider person B's deducements to be lacking and overlooking very important factors in the train-of-thought-equation.
all in all... i've decided to completely disregard the common misuse of the term illogical, unless applied to a situation completely ruled by physical or biological sciences.

i was listening to "why can't a woman be more like a man" from "my fair lady" and it brought on this spew of thoughts...

so how does that make you feel?

2006-08-04T14:20:00.000-05:00

how does that make you feel:

:: god, it hurts.

~rewind~

how does that make you feel:

::frustrated; how is it that our universe is all encompassing but still expanding into NOTHING... and how is it that black holes lead into nothing but are throwing something back out into our not-so-universe??

~rewind~

how does that make you feel:

::terribly frightened; how can i be expected to remember all these greek letters when each one means five different things??

~rewind~

how does that make you feel:

::sad and alone. a little hopeless, and that everything is totally futile.

~rewind~

how does that make you feel:

::totally overwhelmed and empty all at the same time.

~rewind~

how does that make you feel:

::warm and content, able to peacefully sleep and never to want to lose a minute.

so where does that put you now?

::totally lost.

equilibrium

2006-07-31T21:55:00.000-05:00

isn't it amazing that no matter what our environment or what we put our bodies through, it takes it. it maintains equilibrium, it stays at 98.6 no matter how much sun we're in... it corrects whats wrong. the equilibrium of happiness is reached through honesty. as long as honesty is in the picture, happiness will gladly and willingly appear in life. when you can be honest yourself and look into another persons eyes and see matching honesty, you'll be content. if you can't look someone in eye and feel that, you can't reach the mental equilibrium that is necessary to balance your body's natural equilibrium.

i'm so amazed by the body that it is driving me to go to medical school. i've been thinking about what i want to do with my life a lot lately. in high school i swore up and down that i wouldn't do it, i wouldn't give in and be a doctor. i took an anatomy class for the reason that as a human, i think i have a duty to understand how my body works. i fell in love with the efficiency and extent to which it works. what do i want to do with my life? most of you have heard my lofty political goals, but on a broader base, i want to learn. i want to learn as much as possible about the world around me, but how is it possible to learn about the world around me if i don't know about my more immediate environment. i have to understand the external equilibrium, but in order to best understand that, i know understand that i must realize and understand the internal equilibrium that is me. so on that note, i'm going to study for my medical college entrance exam.
maybe once i better understand how my body works physically i can work on the mental equilibrium and reach a better height of honesty that will lead to a content and less restless existance.

cold candlelight wonderings

2006-07-17T23:54:00.000-05:00

as i sit here day after day unable to sleep, keeping vigil watching the news, looking up articles, and thinking, i lose hope.

i light a candle every day for peace. but i'm beginning to wonder if its possible.
i want to dedicate my life to a better world, but i'm beginning to wonder if its futile.

as i sit here, studying for my MCAT, and watching the news, i am torn. torn because i feel a coldness replacing a passion in my heart. i feel the hate growing in the world. and i feel like my own efforts that i am working toward through the medical medium i have chosen are almost laughable.

people come into the pharmacy every day, and a few times a day instead of how's your day, or "scorcher we're having isn't it?" the small talk that i am offered goes along the lines of... God bless our troops... those terrorists need to be stopped... i'm glad i'm safe here... i don't know how to respond to these people aside from a small smile and some talk about whatever pill they've been put on to better their lives and their pain. if they knew i was palestinian, some of these people, i'm sure, would judge me as a terrorist, as a terrible person, and as a threat.
yeah, and that hurts.

the violence i'm watching every day has gone too far. there is an entire race of people who have been silence and overlooked. larry king tonight mentioned "[hezbollah] kidnapped two soldiers, what did they think was going to happen?? did they really think that violence was going to get them anywhere??" the man he was interviewing, an editor for the hezbollah station retorted with: "they were wanting a swap, they were not looking for a war, their own people had been taken hostage for 28 years, and they wanted them back. they weren't being heard any other way."

the people are silenced. i don't agree with violence on either side, and i know in my heart that these people could all live together if they could just respect each other. no one is going away, the israelis took palestine almost 60 years ago and they aren't leaving, but the arabs have a home there too. the only chance for peace is coexistance. stop killing. stop trying to rid the world of arabs. thats not the answer. of course when squeezed and approached with violence, with bulldozers, with hate, a people are going to respond the with the same vices. there is only so long that a being can just sit back and take it. these are a people screaming to be heard and only being overlooked. these are a people with nothing to lose.

i wonder if there will be a middle east for me to open my hospital in. i wonder if i can take my future children to the dr. hart resort and to the mediterranean sea that i've loved so much, i wonder if they can eat at the pagoda, watch the nightlife boat that rides by playing coco jambo and sit on the edge of haifa, eating bizer and overlooking the harbor. or maybe all that will be gone... if not gone, changed forever from the childhood that i know.

i wonder if my own attempts are futile, if i should get rid of cable all together and forget about the news, about the world... i wonder if i could turn my back on the very thing i'm most passionate about, and i wonder... if i don't... will anyone listen anyways?

things i don't undersand

2006-07-16T23:05:00.000-05:00

it seems impossible for me to comprehend the following, so if anyone could answer these questions for me, i would really appreciate it.

1. why would you bomb a christian city when you are looking for "muslim hezbollah extremists"?

2. why is it that hezbollah are the only terrorists when israel is killing a hell of a lot more people than hezbollah has?

3. how can you be okay with killing a minibus of people fleeing from a city to safety?

4. why can't governments just tell the truth. we know you aren't in lebanon because of two soldiers that were captured. just tell us.

5. why did bush say he looked into putin's eyes and saw his soul? thats just odd.

6. why does richard engel not call me when he's lonely at night?

7. why do people seem to be pushing for and wanting a world war?

8. i don't understand hate. i don't understand war. and i don't understand how so many people okay with it?

one last thing, richard, if you're out there... email me, lets talk, i know you'd like me if you met me. :)

i'll have an actual commentary on all of this later. i need to let it soak in a bit more.

relating the species

2006-06-27T06:14:00.000-05:00

every little kid kicks over an ant hill every now and then. whether its to see them squirm and run about in confusion and fury... or if its out of pure ornery-ness... or if its out of curiousity... every little kid has done it. i kicked over an ant hill today. why did i do it? to get back at them. to make them feel the way i do.

ants are amazing creatures. they carry insignificant crumbs and bits of dirt on their backs, that are very significantly larger than they are, very insignificant distances, which would be many miles if compared to our own sizes. they do this with all thier tiny being, with all their "heart"s. they are dedicated and hard working. yet when we see their intricate home, we kick it over with one swipe and don't think another thing of it.

so what?

right now. i'm the ant. i'm the one giving my entire heart... giving my entire being to very specific purposes, and i feel like once i've earned some sort of credit, and done something... its all kicked over with one clean swipe. and as for the offender... the offender will never harvest another thought about it. and i'll probably have to work the rest of my own short life to regain that determination, the motivation, and the progress i'd already made.

but like the ant, when it happens... i'll start all over again. i've got nothing better to do with my life, and neither does it. we're not so different the two of us. maybe from a different genus and species... but those aren't so far apart as we think.

as for the june bug. his life is insignificant. i would exterminate them with umbrellas. i'll give the june bug props and recognition for the fact that he has a similar, but far more superficial meaning to his life. the june bug's one goal in life is survival. germinate... fly around for a bit into things, reproduce. die. worthless in my eyes beyond the recognition of props for surviving so long.

my favorite mistake

2006-05-23T23:40:00.000-05:00

Kevin and i were working together this weekend, and of course listening to our favorite soul and crushed love music... and he turned to me and said "favorite mistake: i define that as on the list of things you wished you hadn't done or wouldn't do again, this thing would be your favorite. and your favorite mistake would be?"

well, i think for me to wish i hadn't done it or would not repeat doing it, it would be a regret. i don't believe in regrets. why would you regret something? because you got hurt in the end? no. what i told kevin at the time is i don't have regrets. everything i did, either mistake or not, has either taught me something or ended in a great story.

some people go through life trying to prevent ever getting to this point. you can't regret someone, and you can't get hurt if you don't put yourself in a position to be hurt. right? no no no no. you can't ever feel great until you've felt terrible. everything is normal unless you've had bad to know good and extremes of either feeling. and sometimes that hurt is worth it. sometimes even if you know its going to kill you for months or even years, one night that you know is going to end up hurting, is worth months worth of nights that felt neither great nor terrible. for me. its worth it. for me the pain, the depression, the tears... its all worth it.

regrets have no place in life, but pain does. there is nothing wrong with pain, it shows that we aren't completely numb. there is wrong in avoiding pain at all costs. what good is life without the times when you are truely happy, and what are those times if you don't have the pain that distinguishes them?

assurances

2006-04-30T23:21:00.000-05:00

a few things you can be assured of:

1. people always let you down

2. politics are corrupt

3. there is always laundry to do

the lessons no one taught you.

2006-04-20T02:39:00.000-05:00

in order to make it through life:

1. chill the hell out. just keep working and stay relaxed. everything will fall into place.

3. laugh at the people wearing... i don't even know WHAT it is that they're wearing, but it's amusing either way.

5. laugh at yourself, wear your hair crazy and mismatch every once in a while.

7. lay in the grass

9. read a book

11. watch people and make up your own story about their life at that moment

13. drive around and sing as loud as you can (this also should take place in the shower, and while skipping down streets)

15. take a midnight or dawn walk and don't talk to anyone, just notice everything around you

17. stare into the sky and realize your insignificance and the significance of who and where you are as a result, geographically, in life, in the universe, immediately and in the long run.

19. spend time doing absolutely nothing with people (both that you don't know and that you care about greatly)

21. do the hokey pokey. c'mon. you know you want to. no one is watching... put your left leg in.

*shrug* i think these things help me anyways.

medical anomale part C

2006-04-06T14:59:00.000-05:00

it seems that anytime in my academic lifetime that i am under great about of pressure to perform well and get a vast amount of "stuff" done, i undergo some sort of odd medical condition... so here i am... MCAT coming up in a couple weeks, labs taking over my life, classes becoming perpetually more intense... and what happens... EMERGENCY SURGERY ON MY FACE. geez.

lemme preface a little bit.
about 4 years ago i, being genetically prone to cavaties, had many cavaties in my mouth. i went into the dentist to have them filled. only i did one half at a time. i did my right half one fateful day, and i never ended up doing my other half. the half that i didn't do has never given me one problem, however, the half that was "fixed" has repeatedly given me pain and sleepless nights. this began to happen about 2 times per year... and this week, once again i felt the pain a bit of swelling, only the swelling kept getting worse and worse until the right side of my face was ridiculously huge. i looked like the phantom of the opera (or quasimodo as my mother said). after a complete breakdown, i decided to skip the rest of the day and go to the city to have my face looked at. a dentist referred me to a specialist and i had to consequently have an abcess drained, a nerve removed, an infection treated, and a root canal begun. needless to say, my face hurts. it hurts to laugh, and i look ridiculous if i try to smile. all in PERFECT timing of a week and a month where i can't afford to miss anything. so, don't flinch or ask me "what's wrong with your face," don't make fun of me for not being able to get normal sized food in my mouth...i didn't gain 50 pounds in my face. i just had to fix yet another medical crazy in the life of mary.

and thats where we are right now.
bah.

oh dear.

2006-03-30T08:38:00.000-06:00